Jealous of friends new friend (yes I know, it’s pathetic)

[Pettyspaghetti]

Not so much of an AIBU as I know I’m being so immature and pathetic. I just want advice on how to get over it!
So my friend (I’ll just shorten it to BF) has made a new friend via her DC at school. BF has been seeing her new friend (I’ll call her sally) a lot recently. Last night BF invited sally and her family to hers for a piss up, I saw a lot of it on social media and it got the green eyed monster well and truly going
I’m not usually jealous of BFs other friends, but this one has made me feel like a school girl. I’m in a foul mood whenever I know they’re together, and feel like I shouldn’t talk to BF when Sally’s with her (not that I get a reply anyway).
Please give me some advice to snap out of this? I feel so stupid for being jealous! I think I feel threatened, but I really don’t know why! I’m not the most sociable of people, and I prefer it that way, and I never get jealous if BF is with other mutual friends. Could this just be down to PMS? I know it all sounds very trivial and I sound like a silly little girl (I’m almost 30 ) I want to get over this sooner rather than later, as BF isn’t stupid and will figure out soon that I’m being a massive drip!
Any tips or advice on how to woman up and get the F over it? Please go gentle on me

Have you met Sally? Could you organise a night out with bf and get Sally to come too?

I’ve met her once at BF DDs birthday party a few months ago. I was helping BF out by handing out the cake etc. I said hi and smiled, not so much of a twitch out of Sally

I’ve met her once at BF DDs birthday party a few months ago. I was helping BF out by handing out the cake etc. I said hi and smiled, not so much of a twitch out of Sally

I think you like Sally. I reckon you’re worried because she’s very likeable. My advice is to befriend her too.

Oh - didn’t see the update. Sally is also threatened by you too.

No I dont think it is silly.

It is hurtful when that happens.

Do you see much of bf Now?

I haven’t seen bf since Christmas, she’s seen Sally quite a few times since then. The thing is, I know when I’m talking to bf that I’m being off, and I try to take a step back and give my head a wobble. The worst thing I can do is spit my dummy out because my friend has a new friend. Even writing it is embarrassing. Just feeling really down and kind of replaced

That's a bummer. Always annoying when this happens, I always remember when my very likeable outgoing bf went to college and I didn't because I got a job, she had all of these new friends suddenly and I hated it. We did grow apart tbh but it was my fault as I didn't want to share her! We are still friends incidentally but rarely see each other.
It's hard for you because Sally is her friend but yours, but she could become your friend too. Does your bf try to involve you, or do you feel that she just prefers Sally?

Not yours that should've read!

Just feeling really down and kind of replaced

I understand.

One of my closest friends has become very distant from me.

Seeing a loser of a man for several years dont ask and now only seems to hang around with him and his sister and his friends.

I hardly see her at all now or hear from.her.

I didn't think she was the type to cut off friends because of a man.

I've deleted her number now.

Sod it.

It takes a while to get there though.

Sorry but friendships change. It is very painful but the best thing to do is go with the flow. Be yourself and keep being that way eg cards, texts presents etc but make some new friends. My best friend from uni has been cool to me for some time now. I looked back at the over 30 year friendship and realised that I was always there for the bad times but only on the edges for the good times. She is in a good patch now. Now I have seen the pattern I am being more restrained myself. It is a shame.

Well I’m really glad that you’re all being so lovely, I thought I’d get absolutely flamed for this!
bobsters sorry to hear about your friend, growing apart is so sad. unfortunately bf hasn’t made any indication that she wants me and Sally to be there at the same time. It’s very much a her and me situation.

Niki thank you for understanding, I feel so bad for you for what your friend did. To put any man before your friends isn’t fair at all!

green I’m so sorry to hear that I really think that when a woman’s friendships ends or fizzles out it can feel similar to a break up. It’s sad.

Bf has spoken to me, and I (stupidly) asked how her night was. I was trying to brush it off and be supportive of her friendship. All I heard after that was how Sally’s so funny, and Sally’s so pretty, and bf laughed so hard her sides hurt. Kind of wish I didn’t ask. It’s just got me thinking, why weren’t me and DH invited round? I know I can’t see her all the time and I’d never expect to, but she’s seeing Sally a hell of a lot more lately.

I feel for you. This happened to me as part of an expat community. Along came new lady and someone I thought was my best friend here moved on. It hurt at the time and the new lady was openly hostile to me, deliberately forgot to invite me to things etc etc. Anyhow, the years rolled by and new lady is long gone. Old friend and I are still friends but not as close as we were. It’s hard when you feel betrayed.

Just seen your update. Sounds like she has a crush on Sally!

I don't think it is pathetic. Well, if it is I am pathetic too.

When my best friend became really close to a new friend I felt pangs of insecurity too. Actually, sometimes I felt downright upset about it. I remember smiling whilst she was talking about her just wanting her to stop talking about her.

I hated it because I knew that I probably shouldn't feel that way and that many others would probably think I was pathetic. I felt how I felt though.

I feel much better about it now as time has gone by but for a while I did really struggle and my feelings really shocked me. It did make me decide to try to make my friendship group bigger though, that's a work in progress.

Another one who's been through this! It's not so much the having a new friend, it's the not seeing you so much but seeing loads of the new friend. At least it was for me. I've just taken a massive step back to be honest and I'm cultivating some new friends/making the most of time with family. Not because I'm in anyway angry - a friendship isn't monogamous, we haven't take vows to be together forever - but because it hurts to be honest.

sprinkle that’s awful! Especially when new lady was so horrid to you. I’m glad you and your friend are still friends, but I agree about betrayal being very difficult.

U2 it definitely sounds like you’re been in the same boat as me! How did you get past it in the end? What’s your relationship like with the newer friend?

The last thing I want to do is to push bf away, and I’m not going to tell her that I’m feeling a tad jealous. It’s just bought up a lot of negative feelings for myself, I’m now feeling like I’m a boring, miserable old woman!

Could you invite your BF out for coffee or to do something fun with you so you can spend some time with her, maybe you will feel better about sally if you and your BF spend some time together too.

Don't act off with your friend for having another friend though, you don't own your BF and she can have as many friends as she wants to, and worst case scenario if you start acting jealous with her or act off with her over her being friends with sally, then she may get fed up off your behaviour and start to phase you out of her life,

You need to work out what it is about this lady that brings out your jealous side, could it be that you envy her or wish to be more like her?

Totally get where you're coming from as this has happened to me. Like a pp said, although the new friend moved on after a while, it was never quite the same for me and BF as I was waiting for it to happen again. I too widened my circle of friends and with time, grew a thicker skin.
Found it hard to talk to anyone about as felt like I was back in the playground but it does help to know that other people feel like this. I do think it stems from childhood as there seemed to be a lot of 'you're not my BF now, so and so is'. Boys don't seem to have these kind of dynamics as much within their friendship groups (and nor do men).
It is painful but be kind to yourself.

No you're not being pathetic, OP, that's very hard to cope with. That's why it's easier in a way not to have a 'best friend' as such, but just to have several friends who are important to you. Then you're not totally dependent on them.

I do think it's a bit off that she's not willing to introduce you to her other friend and for the three of you to have a girls' night out. It might be worth suggesting this to your friend?

Yes Aunt! It’s just the feeling of almost rejection when they choose to spend a lot of time with their shiny new friend. I wish I could just focus on making new friendships etc, but I’ve always been the type to have 1 or 2 very close friends over a larger group of friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have mutual friends with her and I do get along with a lot of people. But she’s my closest friend by a mile, and has been for over 15 years. I haven’t got that type of relationship with anyone else, barring DH and DM.

i wouldnt really want to continue being “best friends” with someone who would ditch you so easily, surely she has
noticed!

my BF always has other best friends, so i kind of withdrew because she had so much time for them but never came to visit me. i put my energy into other areas of my life and other friends, while still being friends with her. i just have no expectations or pressure on that friendship.

Hi OP. That sounds quite thoughtless of your friend to be honest. I think her having a new friend isn't the issue, the issue is that you are excluded. It's almost impossible to be generous minded in that situation because you feel rejected. I don't think your friend is considering your feelings as a friend should and she should be including you. Basically she doesn't want to share either of you with each other.
I would just be honest and have a quiet chat with her that you still really like her but feel left out and a bit hurt at the moment, ask her could you all get together a few times so that the ice is broken with Sally and you can get to know her a little so that the group can expand and grow rather than you feeling excluded.

OP there is every chance this new friendship will die a death. Give your BF some space and be amazingly happy sounding when you do catch up. Find some other friends to hang out with for a bit. Give it some time and see what happens. The less Sally works out you're bothered the better it will be.

You've every right to feel upset though.

How good friends were you with BF before Sally came along?

Schoolgate mum friends or BFF's?
It's natural for BF to have other relationships and for her to be excited to have a new person to talk to and find out about.
Friendships can ebb and flow over years and circumstances changing.
At the moment you don't know if Sally is actively trying to separate you and BF or she might find it hard to make friends. (I know BF thinks she is great but BF may have "brought her out of herself")

I certainly don't think you're wrong to feel how you do. I would just sit tight for a while. Sally might be a passing fad and you and BF might become closer naturally.
I would see if Sally wants to become friends with you as well. Talk to her again.