Jealous of friends new friend (yes I know, it’s pathetic)

[Pettyspaghetti]

Not so much of an AIBU as I know I’m being so immature and pathetic. I just want advice on how to get over it!
So my friend (I’ll just shorten it to BF) has made a new friend via her DC at school. BF has been seeing her new friend (I’ll call her sally) a lot recently. Last night BF invited sally and her family to hers for a piss up, I saw a lot of it on social media and it got the green eyed monster well and truly going
I’m not usually jealous of BFs other friends, but this one has made me feel like a school girl. I’m in a foul mood whenever I know they’re together, and feel like I shouldn’t talk to BF when Sally’s with her (not that I get a reply anyway).
Please give me some advice to snap out of this? I feel so stupid for being jealous! I think I feel threatened, but I really don’t know why! I’m not the most sociable of people, and I prefer it that way, and I never get jealous if BF is with other mutual friends. Could this just be down to PMS? I know it all sounds very trivial and I sound like a silly little girl (I’m almost 30 ) I want to get over this sooner rather than later, as BF isn’t stupid and will figure out soon that I’m being a massive drip!
Any tips or advice on how to woman up and get the F over it? Please go gentle on me

I'm going through that now . Similar situation . Bf of 12 years . She moved and had 2 babies in a short space of time . We now live 3 buses from each other . I saw her maybe 3 times last year . She now sees her old friend all the time coz she lives local . Every time she moans at me she don't see me so I arrange with her a day to go over then the night before she cancels . She did it last week too. I don't even bother anymore . Last time I met her she waited til on the day to say is it ok if (other friend) can come too . She sees her maybe 3 times a week , sees me 3 times a year and still we ain't on our own .

It used to hurt , now I just don't bother even arranging anything with her. She used to talk to me on the phone for hours every day , we haven't spoken on the phone for maybe 4 years . She never answers when I call her yet she will drop out she rings other friend every morning when she's walking to nursery ...

It did hurt for a long while but now , I can't be bothered. Friendships move on and sometimes you have to move on with them sadly .

In my case the distance has made me really step back and look at our friendship. And although she's my oldest friend, I think she hasn't really been my 'best/closest friend' for a while. I don't actually feel we have loads in common apart from a shared history. I've had the uncomfortable feeling a few times that she doesn't really get me.

Perhaps the same will happen for you, if not then I expect Sally will come and go and you'll drift back together again.

U2 it definitely sounds like you’re been in the same boat as me! How did you get past it in the end? What’s your relationship like with the newer friend?

Just time I think, for the most part. I have met her new friend twice, she is actually really lovely but I have no interest in making friends with her. Nothing against her at all and if she turns up when I am round I will happily chat to her but I don't particularly want to go out socialising with them. I much prefer socialising one on one.

I think with me it was also because my best friend is quite a new friend and she is the closest friend I have made in a very long time. I was so happy to have such a close friend and I was petrified of losing her. I do have some deep rooted rejection fears though. The thought of losing someone I love, no matter how unreasonable that fear might be instantly brings me out in a massive panic and brings up some shit from my childhood.

I think for the most part it is just time. I carried on spending time with my friend like before and when I realised that her new friendship didn't mean the end of ours it got easier.

Issues, I clearly have them!

Leave them to it. I know it sounds harsh, but you will find yourself someone worthy of your friendship

I'm in a triangle with me and 2 schoolgate mum friends.
We go round each other's houses and have confided some things with each other.
However, I'm well aware it's not an equilateral triangle. The other 2 go round each other's houses and do things at the weekend together which me or my kids don't get an invite for.
I would say I get on with them both equally well and I've made it clear they can ask for lifts (neither drive currently) and can pick up their kids in emergencies etc.
We had a small emergency recently in the bad weather and needed help from someone who lives locally. Neither of them answered calls and texts from me.

If new friend is a school mum friend they'll probably see each other in person a lot which in turn means they make arrangements more often. For example, I see my local friends way more often than I do my closest friends who live further away, simply because they are in my vicinity more often...and I like them.
This friendship doesn't mean there's no place for you or that you have been replaced, just that it's a separate relationship to the one she has with you...which will be why she didn't invite you and your dh round. It won't have occurred to her as she doesn't see a connection that needs to be observed.
If you've been friends for 15 years I should imagine your friendship is pretty solid. Yes she may have a pal crush on new friend but I think she'll still have plenty of regard for you.
Sorry you're feeling jealous - it's horrible. Take care. x

Aw I went through this a few weeks ago. I know it makes you feel ridiculous but I think it genuinely does hurt a little bit.

My BF was out with her Sally and was messaging me at the same time. She'd warned me before that, that her and her Sally were both on BF's phone looking at things. So I really childishly god I can't even believe I actually did this messaged her with 'ohhh you're at X place with Sally are you! Sally, what a name! it kinda goes through me the more I say it, it's so sickly!'
Followed by repeatedly typing the poor girls name, knowing full well she could see the message.

See I sound insane. Her name isn't even that bad, I'm just a nasty, territorial, jealous bitch.

Now maybe you feel better about being jealous because you weren't as batshit as I was, you just politely handed out the cake😂

Turned out my BF's Sally is kind of alright, we've met a few times and she didn't acknowledge 'sickly name gate' and after a few drinks she began hugging me and telling me how much of a nice girl I am.

Thanks, Sal. Your name still makes me wince though.

I can relate to your situation OP. I have been there myself.

Totally understand why you feel jealous/horrible. You're right to try not to let it show though. It won't help!

Just wanted to add/expand on what (I think) both Alloftheboys and Pictish have said... You said in your OP that your BF met 'Sally' on the school playground. Are you, perhaps currently childless? Because if so, I imagine your BF kind-of will have school mum's on her radar at the moment for making friends with other mums in order to help cement her DCs friendships and relationships as they go through school.
Also, if you don't have children, I can say that I have friends that are parents (some of whom are my friends because our kids made friends and we got to know each other) and other friends who aren't. Most of those people I've known longer and consider more of a BF than the parent-friends. Although I see the parent friends more often (they generally live close because school catchments are quite small) and we share a lot in terms of helping each other out/lifts/"did you understand the homework"/"when's parents evening again?" etc

Oh I so get this OP. I've been there. My BF got some new shiny friends and a much cooler life (we'd always been kinda geeks together). I started to feel like a pathetic puppy crawling after my BF begging for the crumbs of her friendship. She made me feel like I wasn't important to her anymore. I tried talking to her about it. I told her how her actions were making me feel and she was very remorseful but always slipped back into old ways.

In the end I drew back. It was hard and sad and I missed her so much but my self esteem felt better. We're still in touch but it'll never be the same again.

I think it’s pretty normal feeling like this. It may feel pathetic but you can’t help it.

My BF and I are actually pretty good at not making the other feel pushed out. We will make jokes like “I’m cheating on you” when we’ve done something with someone else that we’d usually do together. Usually, we introduce each other to our other friends so no one feels left out or replaced.

Could you suggest to BF that the three of you do something together?

I have a friend who I thought was my best friend. This was about 5 years ago. She dumped me and had a new bf for a while. Then I watched as she dumped her and moved to someone else. And over the last 5 years I've watched her do it now numerous times. She is still a friend and we sometimes meet for coffee when she doesn't cancel! But I see it and her for what it is now. Says more about her than it does about me!

Can you arrange to meet your BF.

Can you get to know Sally

I've been there too. It is hurtful. In the end I learned to disengage emotionally from her and make new friends. I honestly wouldn't waste any of your time worrying about your friendship. She clearly isn't.

If Sally isn't friendly to you, then could she be trying to make your BF into her BF?

lost 2 friends going NC last year
No idea why !! No way finding out

It’s a fact of life that friendships change as the phases in our lives do. Notwithstanding the length of the friendship, your best friend may find at 30ish with kids she has more in common and a bond with sally. I’d suggest you spread you friendship wings a little wider now

to everyone who has been through this. I have too. Several years ago now, so hurtful at the time. In my case I was actually completely blanked by 'best friend' who had found herself a new best friend after 5 years of our friendship. I came through it, maybe it was slightly easier in some ways for me as i had no choice but to be shut out of the friendship. I have made some good close friends since then and am grateful to her now. I can now see that our friendship wasn't really a good one. But yes it does hurt, doesn't matter how old you are. Good luck OP, try and remain neutral if you can, it may well blow over with this new friend.

Miss jay you sound terribly immature! What age are you?

Keep the friendships separate. I live in a sociable town where there are lots of friendship groups, nursery/school/ante natal/work etc most people know of eachother but we aren't in each others pockets.

I have had a BF for 10 years now. Around the same time we met she also met Sally. Sally cannot stand me. No idea why but on the odd occasion we have met at birthday parties etc she openly blanks me. I smile sweetly and say hello.

So I leave them to it, they see eachother in a separate group anyway. I am always a bit wary of her when there is an occasion but I just ignore Sally.

Wait a minute- you are an adult. Why are you talking about best friends? Surely we all just have friends and socialise with all of them? If you also want to socialise with them then just invite them to do something?

This is why I don't think the model of "best friend" works after school age. Friendships are fluid, wax and wane. I try and live by rudyard kiplings lines:

"If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you
If all men count with you but none too much"

It has happened to me too. There's nothing you can do other than make new friends. Also, looking back, I can see that there were certain important things about me and my former BF than were very different. And I can see how and why we drifted apart, now. But it was really hurt and put out for years when she found another friend to replace me.