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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get involved ?

27 replies

LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:02

I have a younger sister who has been in what we all (the family) think is a mentally abusive relationship for 7yrs. She has 1yr old and a new baby who is just 4ish weeks.

Her DP is the biggest waste of space known to man kind. He does absolutely nothing to help with the children, spends their money on drugs, convinced my sister she had PND and wanted to kill herself after the first child was born and she ended up involved with MH Crisis Team. He leaves her all day while he goes with his friends to do god knows what.. he’s horrific.

She idolises him and I genuinely think she puts him before her kids. Our mum bank rolls them because he spends all their money, the day after she Came Home with the new baby we had to go over late because she had no nappies or wipes for either child. He had smashed the house up and disappeared with all the money.

She lives 3 floors up and has no double pram so can’t take the kids out even if she could manage. They have a dog that doesn’t get out so does it’s business on their balcony or in the house. The places smells of faeces and weed.
My niece is terrified of every bang and crash and I know it because of what she must witness in the house with her lunatic father. The new baby doesn’t make a noise yet my sister constantly asks for my mum to go over to help because apparently baby is up every hour.. when our mum goes my sister leaves her with both kids and sits in her room with the boyfriend smoking weed.

We have a very very shaky relationship, we have extremely limited contact, I’ve tried so many times to help & it’s constantly flung back in my face. My parents are reluctant to get involved and say too much because she just cuts them out her life and stops them seeing the kids. They’re attitude is they would rather know what’s going on in her life.

She needs help, she needs to understand what mental abuse is and see what this cretin is. He told her before she give birth he was leaving as soon as baby was born. He didn’t love her. Yet he’s still there and she’s still putting him before her babies.

I’m at a loss. I don’t understand why her MW or HV hasn’t noticed anything or spoke to her regarding the ness of the house, smell etc.. babies both have thrush / nappy rash. She hasn’t bathed them for weeks so my Aunty and mum done it when they were there. Apparently she’s too scared to bathe new baby.

I want to speak to someone, SS, MH team, HV etc.. to get her additional support or to at least ensure those babies are in a safe, clean environment where they are fed, bathed and not terrified at every bang or crash.

I have spoke to my sister at length about helping her, getting her a new house etc.. she agrees and then ingores me when I try and action anything we have agreed.

I can no longer personally try and do anything, this needs people who know what they’re doing and who she’ll listen to.

Can anyone recommend who to speak to or am I just getting too involved and should just leave it?

I’m terrified something will happen To one of the of the kids. He is never ever left alone with them, the older baby won’t stay with him. She’s hysterical the whole time. Why can’t my sister see this?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/01/2018 21:05

It does sound as if you need to get involved. Poor little mites need help.

Queenofthestress · 20/01/2018 21:07

You need to call sodding social services, stop being a numpty. If she won't help herself then they will help her.

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 21:08

Wtf why hasn't this been reported?!

Snowysky20009 · 20/01/2018 21:10

I think your first port of call is your local social services team and you need to tell them EVERYTHING you have told us here.

This is about protecting your sister but most of all protecting those babies.

I'm sorry you are going through this x

Littlefish · 20/01/2018 21:10

You could phone the NSPCC anonymously and ask for their advice.

It doesn't sound like your sister is listening to your mum.

Those poor children are seeing drug use, aggression and violence. Your sister is being left without money for essentials for those children. She is not putting the children's needs over her or her partner's own.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 20/01/2018 21:10

Ring Ss and give as much detail as possible before you are seeing your dsis babies on a news report.

NewYearNewMe18 · 20/01/2018 21:10

She wont listen to you. You can't make someone see anything.

What you can do is phone her HV/Social services. But you need to keep your mouth shut that it was you who reported her, or she wont trust you when she eventually realises she does need help

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:12

HV is there twice a week. Am I wrong to think she should be doing more to deal with this?

I want to phone social services, i’ll Be honest my sister doesn’t bother me my concern is my nieces.

I found out a lot more to the story tonight, which hasn’t prompted me to post on here and ask the question. I’m not in the habit of asking strangers things, usually very strong minded but I can’t ask anyone else this because I think if they knew I was ringing SS they’d judge me for being a crap sister.

I have honestly tried everything. She won’t let me have the kids overnight or anything.

I’ll ring SS. Wasn’t sure if there was someone else I should contact before them.

Thank you. (Sorry for being a numpty)

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 21:13

Why do people always say nspcc surely this should go straight to ss? Whats the difference??

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:14

That sounded awful but I have dealt with a lot from my sister in the years and she’s just beyond help, those babies aren’t.

I’ve cried all day after speaking to my Aunty who visited recently.

Can I ring SS at the weekend?

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2018 21:15

Yes do ring SS
Imagine how you would feel if one of your nieces was hurt by this loser

The oldest one is clearly already suffering from mental abuse. That is what SA is there for

TJ2503 · 20/01/2018 21:16

OMG those poor babies - You have to raise this as a safe guarding issue

Tistheseason17 · 20/01/2018 21:17

People are very good at putting on a front for HV and SW.
Please call them and tell them the truth. A quiet baby is a red flag. Usually quiet as they know that crying does not result in a reaction from their carer. Very sad.

YANBU to get involved Flowers

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:17

Thank you.

I will get in touch. I can’t believe I even had to ask the question. As soon as I read it I knew. Sometimes you just have to see it from someone else’s point of view.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 20/01/2018 21:19

In all honesty the HV has probably already reported it.

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:21

It was the the silent baby comment from my Aunty today that crushed me. I always remember my own HV saying about silent babies.

I have a happy thriving 2yr old who is my world, I wish her cousins had a similar life. Nothing to do with money, just a happy home. A bubble bath and a cuddle on the couch.

My sister has always been impressionable. But she’s not as daft as she makes out she is so you’re right, probably putting on a big front for the HV. I just don’t understand how they can ignore the mess, smell etc..

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 20/01/2018 21:22

Sorry to hear about this, OP. Please call social services.

Proudtrout · 20/01/2018 21:24

I agree with everyone else- get SS involved ASAP. Kids come first, you might not like your sisters choices but she’s an adult.

Also wanted to send you a massive hug, must be heartbreaking seeing your sister locked into an unhealthy relationship, it takes real guts to do what you’re about to do. Flowers

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:30

I am absolutely contacting them and I will come back and let you all know the outcome.

I just feel like the whole family have done everything they can, we can’t take the babies and look after them. She won’t allow it. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her life.

I can’t thank you all enough. X

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 20/01/2018 21:33

As well as the help so accurately put above,speak to her about rehoming the dog,for her sake and the dogs.it will be one less worry and tie for her.

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 21:33

I wouldn't rely on the Hv "probably already reporting it" if the visits are arranged and not unnacouned then it would be easy enough to cover it all up for the visits.

Original poster
LemonadePockets · 20/01/2018 21:38

ThisLittleKitty - I don’t think the HV has done anything at all, most likely because of what you and a pp have said, planned visits allow her to put a front on.

KarmaStar the dog shouldn’t even be in the property. They’re in emergency homes less accommodation and no pets allowed. Tried to get them to re home her when they first moved and they wouldn’t do it.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 20/01/2018 21:38

Sometimes it just takes that little nudge in the right direction when it comes to calling social services, if you've exhausted all your options then they're the next port of call when it comes to safe guarding
I couldn't find my local team (ne lines) nice enough when I needed their advice about my ex, they're not the big bad people they're made out to be so they will think of your nieces first x

Littlewhitedove · 20/01/2018 21:42

Definately contact Children's services. Sounds like a child protection issue to me xx

ColourfulOrangex · 20/01/2018 21:46

Definitely a phone call to social services, those poor babies, well done OP for putting your nieces first Thanks

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