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Original poster

Should I reach out or wait? Brother just had his baby

55 replies

ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 13:58

Hey guys,

Need advice really.

Brother just had his baby the other day and after everything went well(thank god) they decided to text people to let everyone know.

Some b/g - I am also pregnant and not too far behind and suffering terribly from Hyperemesis, he or his wife hasn't once reached out to ask me how I am even though I always made sure I checked in with her on her pregnancy. The point I'm trying to make from this is that they seem to be in their own bubble of happiness which is totally understandable and I'm not that bothered that they haven't asked me.

However, when the baby was born they texted around and I heard this through the grapevine. I found it to be awkward that I wasnt told personally but regardless I sent a msg saying " Congrats! I heard the good news" etc...

Now my mum is badgering me and bollocking me as to why I am not rushing over to see them and that I'm being selfish, rude and being petty. And that other family have been around already and offering to do their food shops and cleaning etc...(other family being people who had received the text)

Am I in the wrong to want to wait for them to reach out to make it clear they would like people over? They haven't contacted me and I haven't felt close to them at all. With all the hormones, I do feel disheartened but I know that they are not wasting a minute worrying about me as they have a beautiful baby to think about! So why should I let my mum make me feel bad?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 14:41

I have already texted congrats and that to let them know when is a good time for us to come over but i think you both are right.

Cross posted with this.

My suggestion to “just go and see them” was totally out of order. How is that different from “can I come over”?

MargaretCavendish · 20/01/2018 14:41

And maybe you don't know what hyperemesis so I'll excuse your unhelpful advice but it's not so easy to just jump out of bed to "go and see then"

Well if you are literally bedbound (which you didn't say in your OP) then you can't go see them at all, can you? So why have you now offered to do something you have no intention/ability to do?

bridgetreilly · 20/01/2018 14:43

Ignore your mother, this is not her business. It's between you and your brother.

Send a card and/or a present. And then wait.

NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 14:46

Errr, if you are not that far behind, I’m assuming you are already 7~8months pregnant? With hyperemesis?
And your mum is making you feel guilty that you aren’t going to see them and help with cleaning/food?
I would have never expected you to do any of that because you have already enough in your plate tbh.

Original poster
ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 14:47

@PurpleDaisies I said they were right when they suggested to send a gift.

My only concerns with this situation was am i wrong for just texting and waiting to see what they or is my mum justified in her making me feel rotten because I havent gone over. All your advice is based on the situation of going over which isn't my concern or what I was asking.

OP posts:
NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 14:47

Margaret sorry but I think it’s pretty obvious that even if the OP isn’t in bed all day long, she will pretty crap after months and months of constant nausea/sickness.
It’s not hard to guess really.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 14:49

Read your posts again ziggy. It’s right there. You have asked your brother when it’s ok to come over. My year threes would make the inference that you are capable of going to see them.

TheVanguardSix · 20/01/2018 14:52

Oh just go see them if you're up to it.
Bite the bullet. Just do it, if you're up to it.

saladdays66 · 20/01/2018 15:00

I think you've done enoguh. They sound selfish/disinterested. Ball's in their court.

JanetStWalker · 20/01/2018 15:01

I'm not at all close to my brother (we haven't had an actual conversation for about 7 years, no fall out just not close) but even he texted me to say they'd had a little girl.

I'd wait to be invited, OP, just in case there is some pre-existing issue you're not privy to.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2018 15:08

I wouldn't 'just go'. But perhaps a text saying "Hope you're all settling in well. Would love to see DN when you're feeling up to it. Let me know when it's convenient for you".

Don't play "Well, they didn't let me know personally so I won't go see them grace them with my presence". Having a new baby makes one kind of, well, stupid and you forget what the 'niceties' are in the 'new parent haze'. You'll soon be in it yourself!

ClementineWardrobe · 20/01/2018 15:10

Nobody ever accidentally forgets to tell a sibling they gave birth or became a parent. Not without a massive load of history..

greenlynx · 20/01/2018 15:11

I think you have a problem with your mother. Your SIL gave birth and her family is around helping, your Mum wants to make a point that your brother's side of the family does care too and nagging you to visit and help. It's nothing to do with your brother.
When I gave birth I expected my sister come and help (we are very close) whereas my SIL would visit. You've sent txt, you could also phone your brother and ask how things are, etc. and mention possible visit ONLY if you are up to it.

Friedgreen · 20/01/2018 15:14

Tell your mum to mind her own business, and wait for your brother to contact you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/01/2018 15:19

Your message sounded fine. I might send similar again. Maybe start with a “Mum showed me a photo/Mum said X is adorable”.

Nikephorus · 20/01/2018 15:20

Given how many people on here are desperate to NOT have visitors shortly after the birth I'd have thought that they'd be delighted that you're waiting to be invited! They're probably wishing everyone would sod off with the offers of cleaning and leave them to enjoy their new arrival in peace.
Send another text or ring and say you'd love to see the baby but get the impression they're snowed under with visitors and might not appreciate more so you'll wait for an invite when they're up for it.

Louiselouie0890 · 20/01/2018 15:22

I do t think you should wait to be asked. I would t presume someone wanted to come. I'd just ask hey let me know when it's ok for me to come round when your settled sort of thing. It doesn't sound like your close with your brother so I can't imagine his partner paying much interest

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 15:23

He might have told his parents and expected them to tell OP.

It’s a bit odd, but I don’t think one can infer bad blood.

SoozC · 20/01/2018 15:24

DB and I find out each other's big news through our mum. We don't hate each other, we're just not very close. Not for want of trying on my part, but when someone often forgets your birthday, never comes round to visit (I've stopped asking) and never shows interest in your life it can become hard to continue trying to be close.

But when DB had his DS, we visited within a few days, without being specifically invited. I hold out hope that when DH and I are lucky enough to have a child, DB, DSIL and DN will come round within a week or two without an invite from me. (Whether or not they do, remains to be seen.)

Go and see your DB. I know it feels one-sided on your part but there's always the chance for people to change.

greenlynx · 20/01/2018 15:31

When people are saying "go and see" do they mean just pop in? Genuine question, as I always presume that you need to phone and ask about possibility to visit even if it's a family

HappyLollipop · 20/01/2018 15:32

I'd wait until the flurry of people rushing over to help dies down and your feeling better to see the baby. everyone rushes over in the first few weeks then you don't see anyone again for ages it'll be a lot nicer if people would space out the visits more anyway and I'm sure your SIL would appreciate it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/01/2018 15:39

I think your mum should stay out of it, as she's more likely to worsen things than otherwise.

But I also think you should maybe call your brother or his wife when you're feeling not quite so bad, and say "Hey, I'm not feeling too bad at the moment, would now be a good time to visit and meet my new niece/nephew?"
But as for offering to help them out with anything, fuck that! you've got your own issues going on and your mum needs to pull her head in and maybe think about offering YOU some help instead!

MsHomeSlice · 20/01/2018 15:42

Tell your mother to button it!
Tell her that as far as you know from her precious son the baby is not even here yet
Tell her to keep her nose out of other people's business and suggest she takes her guilt tripping elsewhere.

roses2 · 20/01/2018 15:54

I hate people who are in a bubble and talk as though they are the only people who've experienced xyz. Whilst they may not intentionally be self centred they inherently are and i have more important things to do with my time than to pander to their needs whilst they ignore my well being. You've sent a text. Unless you really want to go out of your way to see them then leave it at that.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/01/2018 15:54

I think they are probably tired etc (as you will be) and texting you back to book a time to come over probably isn’t popping into their heads. That’s why it’s on you. If you want to see your new niece/nephew then book it in. We don’t know your relationship.

Sure, your Mum shouldn’t make you feel rotten but she might have a point depending on your relationship.

With your replies here you sound quite defensive and sharp, whether that’s hormones or your normal nature I don’t know but it seems like it’s the barrier between you and your family for now at the very least.

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