How to support stressed husband?

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

Money is tight in our household atm, very tight. We’re making some big changes to the way we live to try and accommodate this, including moving away from our area to a new one to save on rent. The initial outlay to move (fees, removals etc) is quite costly, but we look set to save about £575 pmth in rent once we’ve moved. So hopefully after a few months things should calm down a bit.

I should point out here, so as not to drip feed, I’m a SAHM to our DS(3), who has additional needs. I’m also 19 weeks into a difficult pregnancy with DC2.

DH is self employed and has just completed his tax return for 16/17, and he actually earned more than he expected. So naturally he’s concerned about a giant bill hitting us soon at a time when we have all this other stress going on.

Also, because he’s self-employed in a creative industry he has a constant fear of not getting work - though I have to say this has never been an issue to date.

Naturally he’s stressed. He’s waking early, having panic attacks and is very distant from our home life ATM. I’m picking up the slack with DS as much as I can, undertaking all the move admin and keeping the house running as cheaply as I can. But I feel so useless to him, and I honestly don’t know how to help.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What helped? And what didn’t help?!

Has he been to doctor to seek support for his panic attacks?

He needs to see a doctor re the panic attacks but it sounds like you need to shoulder some of the financial burden too as it's all falling to him and he's obviously not coping with that at all.

SE suits many but he needs to have the means to get through quiet periods and to be able to pay the tax bill when it arrives without worry.

You could consider swapping roles once the baby is born to give him a break or work when he's at home so that he doesn't have the constant pressure of being the sole earner.

It’s v difficult for me to work atm due to the fact that I have hyperemesis and bleeding due to a haematoma. Also, DS is undergoing a lot of diagnostic assessments for his additional needs atm and I have to attend a lot of appointments. Not to mention the fact that in about 20 weeks I’d have to go on maternity leave.

DH is undergoing ongoing treatment for anxiety and has had CBT in the past, once we’ve moved we might look at another talking therapies referral but we can’t afford to go private right now.

I should point out too that DH wouldn’t work less even if I did work f/t. His job is his vocation, and I supported him for about five years while he established himself.

Is there anything you can do to contribute financially? What did you do pre DC? Anything that you can do at home or even as simple as babysitting locally in the evenings?

Otherwise listen and support him. In my experience there’s a lot of pressure being the only breadwinner especially if he’s freelance. Has he seen a doctor? Does he exercise and look after himself to de stress where possible?

It's not necessarily about him working less, it's about not having to shoulder the costs of three, soon to be four people alone.

It sounds like he's bitten off much more than he can handle, a job that's not secure, a tax bill he's not prepared to receive and then added a non working spouse and an extra child to the mix without thinking of the reality.

DH is on antidepressants and has seen drs in the past about his anxiety. I am very very supportive but it’s tiring because I have to constantly remind him to attend appointments or order prescriptions. I’m understanding when he walks out of the house to get his head together, even if I’ve been knee deep in three year old detritus all day. He has hour long baths every morning - I leave him to it. I overlook his smoking. I try really hard not to nag.

I do everything for DS, everything that could come under the ‘practical parenting’ umbrella. DH plays with him and reads him stories. And atm I feel like he’s incapable of doing more. That’s ok, but when DC2 arrives I know life will change.

So I think I pretty much DO work f/t tbh.

I guess what I’m saying is that if I did work (which I can’t atm, so it’s moot anyway) then DH would still be like this and I’d have to work AND do pretty much everything at home. And unless you have a kid with additional needs yourself you won’t know how impossible that would be.

Would your DH consider applying for jobs in his field to take the pressure off? Sounds like alot of the anxiety is from the unknown and it might be being self employed just isn't for him

There are no jobs in his field, everybody is self employed.

I’ve suggested that this eve we go through all the figures and work out how much we’re going to need in the next 3/4 months, and I’ll help go through what we have coming in and come up with some ways to reduce outgoings.

I want to share this burden as it’s our money, and I also want a clear picture in my head.

Worst case scenario here is that we have to take out a loan this year to cover moving costs/unforeseen tax bill. Not bankruptcy, though DH with his propensity to catastrophise honestly thought that.

Then it's a pointless discussion if he won't change jobs and you won't work. The stress of a new baby and the extra financial pressure that will bring is just going to add to the anxiety even more.

I’m not saying I won’t work! I’m saying I can’t work for at least a year because a) ill and pregnant b) new baby c) 3yo DS needs my care

I can empathise - SE can be brilliant (esp if there are MH aspects to manage) but alsovery stressful in many ways.

Perhaps there are two aspects to this - the business finances and the home.

It sounds like that he is not keeping up with his book keeping/ accounts if he has been surprised by the numbers at end of the tax year. Not keeping up with the numbers/ realities can be both the result and cause of anxiety so, I would suggest he look at ways that he manages his books better. There is some very good software out there if he cannot afford for someone else to do it.

At home, we use lists and (try to have) regular admin catch ups so that things don't get away from us. Sometimes the fears are worse than the reality so writing everything down can help to keep intouch with what is really hapening. Even if things are bad financially knowledge is power, however tempting it is to put your head in the sand (especailly if unwell). Also of course he needs to be advertising or putting his name out there. It can be really hard to do all these things whilst feeling unwell, and not everyone has a accurate idea of what is required when running a business (it isn;t jsut doing the work!), the other skills need to be learned.

Use a big planner for ins and outs etc, and keep the figures visible - we find this provided visual reassurance and helps stops the mind running away. This could work really well if/when you are able to put money away as savings. Hopefully if you can build up a savings pot he might feel less anxious, or eve be reminded that things are moving in the right direction.

Homewise, one would hope that as his MH improves so will his mood and level of engagment at home.

The thing is that all these things require his cooperation. It sounds like he is not quite well enough to automatically see the best way to deal with things and this makes your position a bit difficult. If you say nothing, life doesn't get any better, but if you try to intervene he might (unreasonably) see it as nagging. But he shouldn't, he should be grateful that whilst you cannot currently earn, that you do have skills which contribute to controlling the finances. Does he actualy say that you 'nag'? I hope not... It sounds like you are doing everything that he could reasonably expect and more.

Depending on that answer, could you or would you want to take over any of the business admin? Not that you have to of course but it may help to get some good habits in place. But he needs to do with respect for your time, not taken for granted. It does make things difficult as he would need to take your advice or be told what to do even! And that can really test a relationship. But it is all aprt of the team work in my view...

I would also say that maybe him trying a new antidepressent might be worthwhile. My DH has just changed again and they seems to be much better. Wish now that he stuck with the others for so long.

It is really tough to manage MH problems. Finger crossed that you find some helpful tips, but do just remember that you are also doing a tough job so be kind to yourself

Once DS has full diagnosis and statement/EHCP I will probably be able to access a lot more help and support for him (and me) both pastorally and financially.

But we’re at the early stages of all that, and it can take a long time.

So he has this tax bill which he hasn't the means to pay, you are moving home, have a child with additional needs, have pregnancy related health problems, will have a new baby in 20 weeks, he's suffering from anxiety and depression and on antidepressants?

Do you remember how stressful moving and a new baby alone is? If he doesn't get help soon, you guys will possibly be in an even bigger pickle than you are now. He sounds like he's not managing at all. He possibly needs a review.

Also sleep is really important (obviously!) but sometimes MH affects the quality of sleep more than is first realised, not just getting up early or not falling asleep but affecting the quality of sleep, and of course this makes everything so much worse. Some antidepressants are more effective than others for helping sleep so changing meds might help with that.

Who is realistically going to employ someone who is 19 weeks pregnant. She had said she has a young child with special needs so working is out so lay off the OP. Are you good with money OP? Could you help with his books so gig don’t get a large bill at the end of the year? Can you look at budgets in your house? These little things will help. Can you help him to find his next work etc? That might take a little bit off. The main thing is to think this is temporary. Your children will not always be so little.

Snowsky You’re kinda just rephrasing what I said already there, so yes - you’re absolutely right.

I absolutely could do his books, and have suggested I do so in future on a monthly basis to avoid issues like this reoccurring.

DH is an ostrich, unfortunately. But I’m not, so that’s one definite change we can (and will) make.

Going through the numbers tonight is a good idea - if it's all there in black and white he can see exactly what the score is and hopefully that will ease his mind a bit. It's really easy to catastrophise when it's all swimming round in your head. And try and get him to write down what's bothering him generally so you can go through it together and point out where he's seeing the worst.

Ah yes, the ostrich! I know that well! As I said it is both cause and effect.. harsh as it may be for him to hear, he really does need to realise that if he is going to be SE, he has an obligation to the family and his health to put time into managing the finances too. If he can accept help with that then you all have a good chance.

You can (or at least you could last ime we needed to) negotiate paying the tax bill in instalments, esp if MH is an issue, so it is worth getting the figure asap and calling HMRC to negotiate.

Is he having to make payments on account with his tax?

If so, get his books up to date, see what he has earned this current tax year to date and if you expect it to be lower by the time the tax year ends in April (so only a couple of months give or take) see if there is any scope to reduce the payments on account.

And then get his return done ASAP in April for this tax year - with the best will in the world, there is no reason why he should have only found out about his tax bill now with a couple of weeks before the deadline.

Worse case scenario, contact hmrc before the payment deadline and agree a time to pay arrangement.

Thanks for the help re HMRC, DH seems terrified of them but I’ve tried to explain that he can prob work something out with them.

I agree with others - sitting down together and seeing the figures will help and for the future he should d a monthly spreadsheet and set aside money for HMRC.

Are you sure you are getting all the benefits you may be entitled to - child tax credit, any payments for your DC with SN, HB, WTC etc

He earns too much for tax credits... I know! One major issue is the massive price hike in housing where we live. We’ve tried to keep up with it but have just been treading water tbh. I finally convinced DH to relocate last year, and next month it’s finally happening!