How to support stressed husband?

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

Money is tight in our household atm, very tight. We’re making some big changes to the way we live to try and accommodate this, including moving away from our area to a new one to save on rent. The initial outlay to move (fees, removals etc) is quite costly, but we look set to save about £575 pmth in rent once we’ve moved. So hopefully after a few months things should calm down a bit.

I should point out here, so as not to drip feed, I’m a SAHM to our DS(3), who has additional needs. I’m also 19 weeks into a difficult pregnancy with DC2.

DH is self employed and has just completed his tax return for 16/17, and he actually earned more than he expected. So naturally he’s concerned about a giant bill hitting us soon at a time when we have all this other stress going on.

Also, because he’s self-employed in a creative industry he has a constant fear of not getting work - though I have to say this has never been an issue to date.

Naturally he’s stressed. He’s waking early, having panic attacks and is very distant from our home life ATM. I’m picking up the slack with DS as much as I can, undertaking all the move admin and keeping the house running as cheaply as I can. But I feel so useless to him, and I honestly don’t know how to help.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What helped? And what didn’t help?!

You could possibly apply for DLA for your child without a diagnosis as long as you have evidence of his additional needs. Once that has been awarded you could claim carers allowance. This would help your family's finances considerably and if you are entitled to child tax credits those would also increase significantly with the disability element. get help filling the forms out.

Allowing him to withdraw from family life is just about the worst thing you can do, however well-meaning.

No more a avoidant long baths and long walks to mope while you deal with life without complaint.

Engaging with the rest of his life, engaging with a child, cooking a meal, putting socks on a toddler with giggles and tickles, working out how to move that chest of drawers, these are all things to do more of not less of.

Remember that all those solo baths and walks avoiding doing the things that need doing are wallowing moping time. They are likely making him worse not better.

Hi, I'm not sure I have any advice but I wanted to say I understand self-employment and it's stresses, particularly when your work is also your big love and vocation. I'm in the same position and I agree with all of Kinka's practical suggestions. Being more organised, setting aside more money for the tax bill, having more emergency funds available and seeking advice are all good long-term ideas. In the short term, it sounds like your DH needs to admit he needs help in some areas before he makes himself too ill to work. It sounds like a very stressful time and you sound very supportive. If he's not sleeping, perhaps this is the first thing to tackle? I don't know. Best of luck.

I love him. He’s a completely impractical man, but absolutely brilliant at what he does. He is successful in his field. But boy do I have to prop him up at home. It’s exhausting tbh.

Having a sofa day with DS today and struggling to stay awake.

It’s my v strong view that DS’s additional needs are v v like his father’s, tbh. Though DH has never been formally diagnosed with anything...

If DH is SE why hasn't he been putting aside a % of his earnings into a ring fenced savings account? If he then isn't earning enough to live on without having to dip into the tax fund then he'd be better off looking for other employment/a part time job in addition to SE or get onto the marketing side of things in order to drum up more work for his SE business. Is the marketing something you could do?

Ok so there’s been some neglect of DS this afternoon (well, he’s had unlimited iPad access) but progress has been made!

I grabbed DH’s accounts and calculated how much tax, NI etc he’d have to pay. Both in Jan and again in Jul. Then I took it from what we have and what’s coming in the next month, and we’ve borrowed the difference.

DH is going to do monthly taxes now AND move money into the savings account. So no hopefully no more nasty surprises.

I know how stupid he’s been. He knows it too. He lost his DF last year under v dramatic circumstances and has been v traumatised by it - this just all got away from him.

It’s sorted now and we’ve worked out a repayment schedule that we can manage.

Well done OP. My DP is self employed on a very low income, but due to health difficulties it is that or being on long term sick, and I prefer the small income with the health benefits that working provides.

I manage DP's accounts. Everytime he has an income, I automatically move 25% into another account. I do this even when we are broke. When the tax bill comes we always have enough to pay, with a sum left over for a cheap holiday. I have to be really strict to keep this up, but it works for us.

I’m now running myself a nice bath - I might be in there some time!!

Excellent work corkscrew!

I disagree with Rabbit a little bit in that people with MH do need time to be peaceful and recover, anxiety etc can be exhausting in itself. But the problem often is that you cannot get way from your thoughts or fears or worries long enough to actually get any peace and so the withdrawing often does not give the peace that is craved, especially with thigns looming, but it still seems like the answer - just to have a bit of a holiday as it were so try to get the mental energy to attend to the actual difficulties. But then depression/ procrastination/ helplessness can kick in and it all goes a bit wrong. So I would encourage him to balance his quiet time with being constructively involved and trying to relax after 'jobs for the day' are ticked off - that way he might find some real peace.

Especially seeing as he has lost his father in the way you describe. It must have knocked him for six and really that is perfectly understandable. It really needn't be seen as being stupid. He's clearly been unwell, building on perhaps not being the most busniess minded, and that is OK. Things happen sometimes and we can all go off the rails but getting back on track and feeling better is what counts, and sometimes we do need extra rest time as part of getting better.

Making all these steps to manage, reassure and increase feelings of stability and safety and a sense of actually being on top of things, really can help to retrain the brain from reacting with anxiety and helplessness although it does take a bit of time (and your effort), but I think you are on the right track now OP. He is really lucky to have you

I hope life settles down a bit and you all feel better soon

It’s great that you’ve managed to sort out a lot of things today! Also the fact youre moving and freeing up hundreds of pounds every month, is great.

My Dh set up his own company and also stuck his head in the sand regarding money. I learnt to do the books just by being more organised and saving money, it took so much pressure off my Dh. We are a team now, and that means a lot to Dh as he doesn’t feel he's doing it all alone. The business has grown and we employ other people. Dh concentrates on getting the money and I concentrate on managing it.

Incidentally, if you possibly going to work for the business doing accounts and admin, then there are ways to make that tax effcient eg pay you a wage etc that may be helpful to you as a household. It is a legitimate cost to the business as he clearly needs assistance (and so long as the spouse actually does some work!)

There is a lot of info online about ways to do that and it may also be helpful to you in maintaining your National Insurance record - eg don't assume that taking the small earning exception and paying no NI is the best move as is so often suggested, as not paying in can lead to you not being eligible for certain benefits/ pension. With the possible/probable changes to self employed people's NI, it would pay to think ahead and it sounds like this would be your domain corkscrew though maybe one day you will be able to afford an acountant!!

It sounds like a lot for you to take on with your pregancy and DS so I hope this doesn't overload you - there will be lots of time to work out the details and if it would suit you and there is lots of info and links here www.litrg.org.uk at the Low Income Tax Reform Group.

HTH a bit - and doesn't teach you to suck eggs as you sounds really smart!!! Just wanted to pass on what it took us a few years to find out!

Tax vill shouldn't be a suprise - does he not keep the tax ampunt from each job in a seperate account or something to pay in January? That's what I do, i couldn't afford to suddenly find tax money for a whole year at the end of the year. I don't spend it because i think of it as its not really my money

Lazypuppy if you read my post you’ll see that obviously he hasn’t been saving money, so thanks for the lecture

Kink that’s very good advice re the OP taking a wage, for doing the admin/accounts.

OP If you are paid less than the tax threshold, (I think it’s 11,500) then you won’t pay tax. So effectively your dh will be saving himself the tax on 11,500.