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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my OH lazy?

31 replies

Pingu30 · 19/01/2018 16:52

How do I find the balance between "I am sick of doing all this myself" and "I'm on maternity leave, partner is at work full time".

I'm SICK of being the one to get up to do all the night feeds (do not at all expect him to get up when he's at work, I do however expect a bit of help on weekend) on top of all cooking, cleaning, bottle washing and sterilising, clothes washing, hanging out and putting away, hoovering etc etc.

I am sick of nagging and asking for him to do more. Not sure I'm being unreasonable as he works FT?

OP posts:
Tobebythesea · 19/01/2018 16:56

Have you asked (told) him to help parent his child at the weekend? What does he say?

Tobebythesea · 19/01/2018 16:58

We used to argue about him not cleaning so I hired a cleaner. Stop doing things for him. Everything.

Original poster
Pingu30 · 19/01/2018 17:01

I would love a cleaner but I won't be able to afford one haha.

I have tried the "not doing anything" approach a million times but seeing clothes thrown across the floor etc IRRITATES me and I can't just leave it! :(

He always says he'll get up during the night but then claims to not have heard him...

OP posts:
Tobebythesea · 19/01/2018 17:21

How do you feel about putting them in a bin bag on his side of the bed?!

redexpat · 19/01/2018 17:21

So poke him until he does hear the baby.

Tobebythesea · 19/01/2018 17:23

All his mess in the house goes on his side of the bed after I have asked him to do things/put things away repeatedly. I also cannot deal with the mess! He does it in one big complaining go...

Tobebythesea · 19/01/2018 17:24

You need to talk to him.

AmberTopaz · 19/01/2018 17:26

Even if he doesn’t hear the baby in the night, he could get up in the morning at the weekend and you could have a lie in. Does he? Most couples I know with a small baby have one lie in each at the weekend.

Hallamoo · 19/01/2018 17:26

When I feel like this with my DH. I divide the tasks up, and then I ask him; 'do you want to sort and put the washing away, or do you want to cook the dinner?' It's a choice between 2 options, there's no option to do nothing.

shelentei · 19/01/2018 17:28

Does he have like a gaming computer? With a desk etc. Dump his dirty clothes on his desk and if he moves them put them straight back. I did that with my DP. He left some dirty dishes with food still on it so I dumped them on his keyboard. Or if he has a work uniform, stop cleaning that.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/01/2018 17:33

Sit down and talk to him. It's unfair that you do everything. Draw up a list of what you think is fair for him to do.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/01/2018 17:50

Absolutely no reason for his clothes to be strewn over the floor.
I'd kick them to his side of the bed and leave them there.

You both have full time jobs eg monday to friday 9 to 5, his is going to work, yours is looking after baby.
Outside those hours all household stuff and childcare should be split equally.
But it never is...

SilverySurfer · 19/01/2018 18:17

If he did his fair share before you became pregnant you need to remind him of that. If he was a lazy arse before, why would you assume he would be any different after?

Leeds2 · 19/01/2018 18:20

With regards to laundry, I wouldn't do it unless it was put in the laundry basket. And tell him so.
I can see why you do the night feeds during the week. If he doesn't hear the baby on Friday/Saturday nights, wake him up!

EmmaJR1 · 19/01/2018 18:20

Hmmm not sure my approach is the best... he went and watched the football in the bedroom whilst I struggled with baby, dinner, bottles and washing... so I dumped baby on him and drove off in to the night until he asked where I was then I return and had a full scale melt down at him....

I will say I'm 4.5 months pregnant and my ds is 8.5months so I may be a tad hormonal.....

It's worked though....

Friedgreen · 19/01/2018 18:50

U just have to be firm. If seeing clothes irritates you pile them under the covers on his side of the bed. Basically make him accountable for his work - if he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done end of story. He’ll soon man up.

timeisnotaline · 19/01/2018 18:55

Discussion wise it’s about you both need a break. With night wakings particularly surely no couple intentionally plans for dh to work 9-5 and Mum to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and you have to realise that and address it. Mind you I had to go through this with my dh, my ds just didn’t sleep.

notanaturalmum · 19/01/2018 19:07

When my DS was born, I thought it pointless for my DH to get up in the night.
When the baby wakes for the day say between 6.30 and 7, my DH gets up with him for 30 mins, does his nappy and that way I can get a bit of a lie in. It works wonders.
Perhaps start with that, and then work up to dinner etc.
I decide what dinner we are having and prep the veg etc. Then DH comes home and finishes it off. It feels more teamy this way and he feels useful and gets a buzz out of it.
Nagging got me nowhere.
Maybe your DH doesn't want to do stuff because he doesn't want to get it wrong.
That was my Dh's issue.
Sometimes I have to re-wash stuff up but at least he's trying.

ny20005 · 19/01/2018 19:12

When mine were little, my dh didn't hear them & if I was awake enough to prod him, it was pointless him getting up.

I used to go to bed around 9 & he did the 11pm feed so I got a good 5-6 hr sleep. We also took turns of a lie in at the weekends

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 19/01/2018 19:24

I have a 7 mo who still feeds at night.

I do all wakings during the week.
Dh does all weekend wakings.
We each get a lie in on a weekend.
I do all the cleaning apart from the kitchen which I bloody hate doing - he does that.
I do all the laundry.
He does his own ironing. I don't iron!
We share cooking but I probably do more of the prep as I'm at home.
He does all bottle sterilising and preparing.

There are so many ways that he can help you out, even with him being out the home. And he should be. At the very least could he take charge of bottle sterilising/preparing, and night wakings for at least one night at the weekend?

Cleaning/laundry etc is trickier because it tends to fall to the person who is at home more BUT this doesn't mean he gets to live like a fucking slob. I'm happy to do the lions share of this but only because my dh doesn't take the piss.

sahknowme · 19/01/2018 19:45

At the moment, he does all the cooking and food shopping, he changes the LO's nappy about 30% of the time, washes the bottles every day. He does his own clothes washing/ironing. He also puts the LO to bed around 30% of the time. When I'm back at work, he'll be doing the nursery drop-offs, and I'll be doing the pick-ups. He has a high-powered job and pays for about 80% of everything, so used to think that he could get away with doing less at home.

I do 80% of the daily cleaning, some daily tidying, and look after the LO's appointments/etc. I do all of the LO's clothes washing. Also, gardening is my responsibility as DH hates it.

I give him a break on Saturday morning to spend some time on his laptop. On Sunday, he takes the LO to church, while I go to the gym.

Mitel · 19/01/2018 20:06

Sounds like he does a fair bit. It is all about sharing though.
If he comes in and does housework/looks after your child as you suggest, could you do a job in the evenings?
That would mean he works in the day and you look after the child, and then vice versa in the evenings.
A good relationship is about balance and equality.

LannieDuck · 19/01/2018 20:16

How much does he do at weekends and evenings?

Hint: if he's not splitting the chores/childcare with you at those times, YANBU ;)

stickytoffeevodka · 19/01/2018 20:17

When baby wakes up in the night, WAKE HIM UP and make him deal with it. I know you're awake anyway and that's frustrating as hell, but you need to make him get out bed and take care of his son. Some people are deep sleepers but not many people will sleep through a sharp whack with an elbow in the side!

He has no excuse for not sharing the rest of it, though.

Dscarl07 · 19/01/2018 20:19

My partner is the exact same! Claims to not hear DD, but can roll over with a pillow over his head Angry and do they know where the washing basket is?!

Ask him to do something, his excuse is either ‘I’m at work in a bit’ or ‘it’s my day off.’

Shouldn’t have to nag if they would do it in the first place or do it the first time...

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