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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it rude / incredibly frustrating to not RSVP?

75 replies

Journea · 19/01/2018 11:18

Just that really. We sent out DS’s birthday party invites a few weeks ago. RSVP date has now passed and we are still awaiting at least 12 replies.
Do I just take it that they’re not coming? Would I be unreasonable to send a reminder slip out asking for a simple yes / no..!?! Some people have replied to say they can’t come and therefore we have then invited other children who DS wanted to invite originally but we didn’t have room for. It’s a party where we need to provide numbers beforehand so we really do need to know for sure.
What is the children’s party etiquette? Who’d have thought that children’s parties were so stressful even before the actual event!

OP posts:

Dipitydoda · 20/01/2018 08:18

And I’m going to go against the grain here, give as much notice as possible. We haven’t got a free weekend for the next 6 weeks. Then follow up with reminder 2 weeks to go

LouLouLove · 20/01/2018 08:24

This happens to me every year, some never turn up, some turn up, some turn up with siblings! I have vowed that this year will be an outing with a few good friends!

Boysnme · 20/01/2018 08:28

I hate this too but I have also been a non RSVPer before because the invite hasn’t made it home. At the end of term when trays are emptied we’ve then received the invites for parties that has taken place weeks before!

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 08:31

I do agree that it's very rude, if they received the invitation, it's been an issue every year. But it's not always deliberate, sometimes the mum hasn't seen the invitation. That happened with one of DD2's friends, I asked her mum about it and she hadn't seen the invitation. The friend came to the party.

So any reminders need to be polite and not assume your invitation has been ignored.

There are some who never reply at all, though. I really don't get why it's so difficult to send one text message.

GhostsToMonsoon · 20/01/2018 08:45

Last party my son had he invited 14 and one parent didn't reply, which I thought was a bit rude (her son's birthday is a similar date, and I had asked her if she had any plans to avoid the invite clash we had had the previous year).

In DD's class there are always two parents who don't reply, but I don't think I've ever seen their children at any of the parties.

I find that people often forget to reply but will let you know if you ask them at the school gates/text them/ask on the class WhatsApp group if you have one.

When we get an invite it goes on the noticeboard so we don't lose it and I try to reply straight away. Most people have smartphones now so taking a photo of the invite might be a good idea as many seem to lose them.

Original poster

Journea · 20/01/2018 08:46

Totally agree Dipitydoda I send them out early as looking at our own calendar, it is booked up for the weekends over the next two months.
Next year shall be better... being DS’s Reception year we still don’t know many people so don’t have many numbers. I am going to send a general reminder slip, also commenting on how some invites seem to have gone astray and we are checking to be sure.
It is an issue when you can’t drive yourself to get DCs to places and when you’re needing to organise weekends when DCs are with their Mum / Dad.

OP posts:

ShastaTrinity · 20/01/2018 09:12

And I’m going to go against the grain here, give as much notice as possible.

I agree with that, it's helpful.
Unfortunately, some people will say yes very early, then receive a better invitation and change their mind at the last minute.

pigshavecurlytails · 20/01/2018 09:31

As a veteran of party organising, for future reference do the invites no more than 2 weeks in advance

You'd get no one coming round here. Invites go out 6-8 weeks in advance. My weekends are booked at least a month ahead.

Original poster

Journea · 20/01/2018 11:01

I email or text the parents direct as does everyone else I know. The invite is a fun thing for the child to give out you dont rely on it as communication.

I this really true KERALA1? Is the paper invite a thing of the past? I clearly have a lot to learn!

In many ways, I was hoping DS’s party would be a way of ‘networking’ somewhat and meeting more people. Plus, when doing his invites, DS did make me proud as he said that he wanted to invite them all as ‘they’re all so nice’ FYI we didn’t invite them all...

What’s the etiquette as well in this case as we’ve just received an invite fir an old pre school friend’s party but we’ve not invited him to our DS’s... now I have guilt!

OP posts:

Boysnme · 20/01/2018 11:34

@Journea
There is no way I’d know all the parents from my kids class let alone have all their phone numbers so for early years parties we have had to do paper invites.

It’s different now they are getting older and invite fewer closer friends that we do know the parents.

Focalpoint · 20/01/2018 11:53

It is unbelievably hard to coordinate 4 sport playing kids at weekends, even with 2 parents and 2 cars. Nowhere near as simple as "checking a calendar" 3 weeks in advance.

If I get a text at about a party when I'm at work I don't reply immediately because I haven't a clue yet about what's happening on a Saturday afternoon in 3 weeks time - and yes - shock horror - it sometimes passes me by until a reminder text nearer the time.

if consider this a small mistake - not unbelievably rude.

Dozer · 20/01/2018 12:42

Email is far more reliable and easy to chase.

Cheerybigbottom · 20/01/2018 14:59

Well we had our ds's party today and no one who hadn't rsvp's turned up. Though one parent text at 8am to confirm their child would be coming.

If it hadn't been a generic disco in a hall party and I had to worry about paying for any who turned up or had to turn those away I hadn't confirmed for I'd have been more worried.

Original poster

Journea · 20/01/2018 18:20

@Cheerybigbottom
8am RSVP - do you think they had previously forgotten or a last minute decision to come?

OP posts:

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 20/01/2018 18:27

I know people are busy but not replying is inconsiderate. The party is being held for a little person who has feelings. They want to know their friends are coming. I feel this particularly acutely as ds has asd and feels v excluded at school. Knowing people are coming to his party makes him feel v happy.

DenPerry · 20/01/2018 18:50

Not experienced it yet but know I will find it frustrating. I always RSVP in the first few days as I want to get it out of the way!

UsuallyJustLurk · 20/01/2018 19:27

@Journea Well DD's party today was a raging success and the 2 non-RSVP'ers didn't show so the spare lunches and gifts I'd prepared came home

Original poster

Journea · 20/01/2018 21:53

@UsuallyJustLurk Very happy it was a success for you - job done until next year!

@KarlosKKrinkelbeim I very much agree - one of the non RSVPers is one of the friends DS speaks about a lot and keeps asking me if said friend is coming to which I can’t reply... if I knew either way at least I could answer him. They’re only little still and don’t see things as deeply as we do. Their party is the be all at the moment and all he talks about. I really don’t want him to be disappointed

OP posts:

Cheerybigbottom · 21/01/2018 09:08

Journea I really couldn't say if the 8am rsvp'er was a last minute decision to come or someone who'd forgotten. My ds was glad to see him though, so I'm just happy the lad came. Won't be doing another big party until he's 16 I think so it won't be a problem again. Pizza & movies from now on.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/01/2018 09:12

Interesting that threads about lack of RSVP always say that party giver has had less than half the invitees reply, yet every single MNetter always replies

ShastaTrinity · 21/01/2018 17:15

I am more intrigued by all the MNetters who seem to have the contact details of all the parents, phone or email. None of my kids school provide any of those, how do you get them?

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 17:26

Shanta, we have a Facebook group for reception starters of 2017 and for others, there’s usually a contact detail when you RSVP from other parties. It means that I have in my message history several of the contact details. By now, I have enough of a network that I could probably find someone who knows someone.

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 17:27

Sorry - shasta. My phone autocorrect continues to be unhelpful.

ceeveebee · 21/01/2018 17:50

Shasta we have a class rep who set up a whatsapp group. If I remember correctly she managed to get the teacher to pass on her phone number and email address through a book bag note right at the start and then within a few weeks we had the whole class on there. I couldn’t live without it actually as I work FT and letters never make it Home, so it’s often the only way I find out about a lot of stuff at school eg non uniform days as well as parties

Barbie222 · 21/01/2018 21:05

Many places nowadays, soft play, bouncing etc. have a list of the children confirmed at the door, I've always wanted to be a fly on the wall when someone gets turned down due to slack parents not getting round to RSVPing!!

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