To ask why she can’t just be happy for us?

[Placeboooooooo]

Ive recently found out I was pregnant following two M/C. One at 8 weeks and the other at 13 weeks which was absolutely awful.

I’m overweight, have lost a dress size in preparation for falling pregnant, I don’t weight myself as for obsessive with it as a teenager I’m currently a size 18, was hoping to lose more but caught on unexpectedly! I’m currently 15 weeks and have a 4 YO DD.

My DM was bloody awful when she found out about my last M/C after I’d accidentally left a box of pregna care on the work top. I broke down and had to explain that I wasn’t pregnant and had lost the baby. She has always been a cow about my weight and I’ve got a horrendous relationship with food as a result, it’s all or nothing. I have never been able to have that balance of eating enough to be able to lose weight at a steady pace but be full at the same time. I’ve always starved myself and lost a lot of weight in a short space of time. I lost the dress size in less than 3 weeks. I know it’s not good for me. Anyway, 10 minutes after she found out about my M/C She blamed my weight ‘well you really want to be thinking about losing weight if you want to conceive, your body has to support you and the baby and probably couldn’t cope because you had weight on.’ My size 8 SIL miscarried the week after and DM was taking her out for coffee and supporting her yet the same thing had happened to me and she’s bollocking me about my weight.

Myself and DP told my DM that we were expecting again a week ago. We made it clear that she was the first person to know other than ourselves and that we’d kept it quiet for so long due to what happened last time. She just put her head in her hands and told me how I was putting a huge strain on my already ‘struggling’ body (the body that chases sheep and cows up and down hill tops, has already given birth once and looks after DD ) also I’m putting a huge strain on the NHS and that it’s not fair to put an unborn baby at risk by getting pregnant while overweight.

She just can’t be happy for us. My partner asked her to leave our house before she could say anymore. I had a normal pregnancy and birth with DD. I feel as though everyone is looking down on me and tutting because I’ve fallen pregnant while still overweight.

AIBU for being pissed of with her?

Vile woman. Enjoy your pregnancy and new baby. And many congratulations.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't let your mother ruin it for you.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You have a lovely DP and DD, and you will soon have a brother or sister for DD. I'm so sorry for your previous losses.

Congratulations! Great partner you have there.

Congratulations! Ugh ignore her. Could it be masking anxiety? Anyway you don't need the stress!

You poor thing, you certainly don't need her making you feel stressed and worried. Big congrats to you and your DH though

YANBU. Congratulations on your pregnancy, how wonderful! And I'm very sorry for your previous loss .

Your mother sounds difficult, to say the least. I can relate. I love my mother dearly, and she's great in lots of ways, but with certain issues she can be horrible. Strangely enough, weight and MCs being the two main ones. The first three times I miscarried, her response was 'oh well, clearly it wasn't meant to be', then to pretend that it had never happened, to the extent that when I mentioned it months later, she was all 'oh you had a miscarriage? I never knew'. Not even ignoring that it had happened, literally pretending that it hadn't . I didn't tell her I was pregnant the fourth and fifth times, was going to wait until I was well into the pregnancies. I miscarried both times and never told her as I knew I'd get no support.

On the weight front, she was critical of my weight even when I was a skinny teenager. When I went up to a size 16 after having surgery and several months of being forced to be inactive (at the age of 17), she freaked, dragged me to weight watchers, and monitored everything I ate. A few years later I became anorexic (not blaming Mum, but her fucked up attitude to food and weight didn't help). After several years of treatment I was doing better. Then I remember one evening in her house, taking a handful of crisps from a bowl (this was big for me, snacking and eating in front of people had terrified me for some time). I actually enjoyed them so got real brave and went for another handful. Immediately she fixed me with a fierce stare and said 'do you really need more of those?' At which point I'd had enough, and pointed out that that kind of attitude probably contributed to my eating disorder. That did not go down well at all.

Fuck, sorry Placeboooooooo, I have just totally me-railed and turned your thread into my own therapy session . Just wanted you to know that I really do understand.

Congratulations again on your pregnancy. If at all possible, I'd try to limit contact with your Mum (I know it's not always easy). Unfortunately it sounds like she's incapable of feeling happy for you (again, I can relate). And your pregnancy should be a time of joy, and you should be around people who will support you, and be happy for you

Well I don't see a failure, I see a woman with excellent choice in men, who has dealt with a couple of heartbreaking situations and is now happily pregnant and with a lovely young DD too.

You don't need this bloodsucker. That's what she is - she gets a kick out of seeing you down. Nasty, jealous, small-minded.

You sound as if you have a wonderful family. Enjoy them.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

You mother is a dick.

Plus, plenty of women larger than a size 18 get and maintain pregnancies all the time. My sister was over size 22 for all three of hers, the only problems she had were with the two little blighters who decided to lodge themselves towards her back which made scans difficult a couple of times.

Please don't let her stress you out- you see her behaviour for what it is, and have a supportive partner who is willing to call her out on her bullshit, you will be fine if you lessen contact.

Op, she sounds exactly like my mother, are you sure you're not my sister? I'm so sorry you're going through this after all the loss you've suffered .

It's awful to have vile and unsupportive parents. I have very little contact with my mother (she strongly contributed to the failing of my mental health, and my sisters') and would have none at all if it wasn't for my dad. She also takes issue that I'm not 'proper', thin or 'together' like she is. Oh and that I'm divorced (which to my mother is obviously because I'm fat and lazy...)

Just know that you don't have to see her. You have no obligation to put up with that kind of treatment and don't need to pander to it. You are allowed to be strong and protect yourself and your children from that kind of hurt and judgement.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. Enjoy it and don't let her get to you.

Boldkitties I’m so, so sorry for your losses. I really am.

It sounds as though we have very similar relationships with our mothers. I don’t think I could bear to go NC. DD idolises her and as you’ve said about your own DM, in many ways she’s great. And she truly is in a lot of ways. Her DM (my gran) is exactly the same about weight etc. At Christmas time she humiliated me in front of my family about my weight. I was so upset, my auntie came to console me and said that she used to be horrified how they bullied me about my weight as a child. She told me that she was proud of me whatever size I was. Funnily enough herself and my DM don’t get on.

and please don’t apologise about telling me your experiences with your DM. It actually help me to realise that this behaviour and reaction from her means that she’s the one with the problem not me.

what FizzyGreenWater said. Said perfectly! .

Congratulations OP

She's awful. No-one will care about your weight and it's hardly like size 18 is enormous anyway, isn't size 16 the average for UK women? Good luck with your pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and your DH sounds fabulous. Your mum, on the other hand...what a cow. However, you have to ignore the nasty bullying weight-obsessed side of her and concentrate on her good points, the fact your DD adores her for one thing.

Eilasor I’m sorry to hear that your mother has made your relationship a strained too. It must be women of a certain generation who feel as though it’s imperative to be slim to be successful in life (and love).

Initially perhaps my mums concern came from a place of good but I’m not so sure now. I actually had a stand up row with my step dad a couple of weeks back after he called my DD fat. She’s not fat in any way shape or form. As confirmed by the school nurse a month ago. Perfect weight for her age and height.

The thing is that I was a similar age to DD when I first remember being called fat and no one stood up for me or reassured me that I wasn’t. So I let rip. She has become a different person since he came into her life. She’s lost a lot of friends because she’s become so opinionated and holier than thou. It’s like she doesn’t have her own mind anymore and just agrees with and repeats everything he says since she’s been with him.

My DP and step dad have disliked each other for years, before we even got together. An ongoing dispute, a court case (in which DP and his DM were cleared of all charges with step dad and his boss ordered to pay all court costs) and really just sour grapes (all farm related over land that OH and his DM rented and step dad’s boss wanted to buy but were refused so they fabricated stories about sheep being out of fields etc in 2001 which, if it were true would’ve been a big deal due to foot and mouth at the time). Anyway due to this DM has never really tried too hard to get on with DP. Has told me often enough that he may not find me attractive due to my weight and might leave me.

Ah, thank you Placeboooooooo. You really are lovely.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Mum can be awful re certain issues, but unbelievably wonderful in other ways. I could definitely never go NC with her. Interestingly, my Nan (Mum's Mum) was also very hard on her re her weight. Very quick to point out when she'd put on weight, very critical of her appearance, and never complimentary when Mum dressed up / looked well / lost weight. And again my Nan was a truly wonderful woman, she was just harsh around this particular issue. Who knows, perhaps her Mum was hard on her and critical of her weight / appearance. I guess these issues can be passed down through generations. Weirdly, one Christmas years ago, Nan also humiliated a cousin of mine by commenting on her weight.

So yes, I absolutely know where you are coming from! And no, it's not you with the problem, it's your Mum. It's still hurtful, but I think realising that really does help. I

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well

Mothers can be strange things: mine never congratulated me on any of my 5 pregnancies, though she's generally OKish. Yours, however, is awful to treat you like that at a difficult time. Or at any time.
I'd agree with PPs about limiting time with her.

I was a size 16-18 when I got PG with DD, I've fluctuated a bit between then and now - but in the range a small 16 to a small 20 (and I aim for comfortably fitting clothes as I think they make you look better than squeezing into smaller label sizes).

Look on this time as a chance to eat normally and healthily - you need sufficient calories etc for your DBaby to grow, you want as many of those to be healthy ones like fruit, veg, and generally healthy foods. And there are certain restrictions on foods anyway due to the PG (no shellfish, pasteurized cheeses, and probably a load more I've forgotten or have changed).

And also keep as active as you can - don't go out starting new strenuous exercise regimes, just do lots of walking, swimming if you enjoy that, and maybe PG yoga if there is any locally. This is as much to stay fit and healthy during the PG and to be able to deal with the end of PG and birth and afterwards as well as possible (when you get to the "I feel big and fat and whale-like, can't see my toes and all my joints are aching" point, - but can still say that "I am slowly, but happily, still walking to shops/appointments/work etc and just keeping myself going at the same time" ).

And tell your "D"M that you are happy with how things currently are, and more importantly, that so too are your team of medical advisors (I am full sure your GP, MW, Obs and anyone else will happily give you that message!!).

You sound lovely and like you have such a strong family unit. Is she jealous of you?

Either way, congratulations on the pregnancy, don't let her get to you.

If you want to you can lose the weight, what's she gonna food about her miserable personality? Tell her to look in the mirror next time she has the urge to criticise you!

I’ve read my mate this thread (she’s staying with me) and she’s very cross on your behalf! She’s had 9 miscarriages herself, and is now overweight, partly due to all the hormonal fluctuations over the mc years.

She suggests mentioning to your mum that you’ve read a recent article in a medical journal about a strong link between mc and genetic propensity... so you and your DSIS might have her to blame for your recent troubles. Might shut her up.

(No idea if there’s such a thing as mc that runs in families...guessing not!)

I have a DM who is very controlling and opinionated, and gives unwanted advice constantly. And yes, she comments constantly on my weight and whether the clothes I'm wearing are right for me. She just says what she thinks. She does it out of a place of wanting to help, I do see that, but ouch! Some things are really hard to cope with. And I've had years of yo-yo dieting as a result. I think some mothers just don't have a clue.

But, like you, I could never go NC. My DDs love her, plus she's 78 and I would only end up worrying about her. At the end of the day, I love her despite everything.

@Placeboooooooo can I suggest that if you have some anxiety regarding eating, that you speak to your midwife about it. One of my dsis was overweight when she became pregnant and was quite concerned about making sure that she was eating enough so that the baby was healthy but was not seem to be 'over eating'.

Her midwife was great and was able to give her advice on eating healthy during pregnancy and really just helping her with her concerns regarding her weight.

Dsis had a beautiful baby boy about six months ago. And has continued to eat healthily since that time and has slowly lost some weight at her own pace.

Oh forgot to say, your DM is being very unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My mum comments on my weight! I know I need to lose some and she can also be supportive, but I don't take crap off her if I think she's been rude or unhelpful. I've learnt to answer back.
I know if I get pregnant she'd make it about my weight though. Could your aunt shed some light on how/why your DM is how she is?

As I'm sure you know, what is important when pregnant is eating well and taking as much gentle exercise as is comfortable for you, not your dress size and not the number on the scale. Ignore her. Concentrate on feeling good and being healthy for you and baby. Getting a complex about putting on weight is the last thing you need and your mum sounds really quite shallow. There is someone in my family like this who bullied my sister about her weight right from childhood. It's not normal behaviour in their part so remember that. And it can have a huge impact on your relationship with food, exercise and body image. Be kind to yourself OP. And congratulations!