AIBU to think children don't actually speak English

[Soubriquet]

But instead speak a language called kiddish

It's like English but the translations vary between the two. For example:-

Go and get dressed actually translates to run around the room shouting excitedly and play with your toys.

Put your shoes on actually means sit for 10 minutes next to the shoe rack staring at nothing.

Straight still and straight means fidget like mad and move your head.

Some things like it's bath time and it starts time for a nap/bed must translate to torture as it creates sudden screaming

However things like would you like a new toy, or would you like some sweets translates incredibly well!

What do you think?

Oh yea definitely. My kids are fluent in it.
"Stop pushing your brother" translates into Kiddish as "Fuck it, bite him instead!"

It doesn't change when they are teens either.

Hang up your uniform = chick it on the floor and turn on your computer.

Go for a shower = lounge on your bean bag and look at your phone.

I have one child, one teen and yes they definitely have their own 'understanding' of what I say to them.

That said, my teen says there is something called 'parent time' and when I say in a minute I can mean anything up to an hour (and he has a point!)

Definitely a translation issue...parents too!

I’ll think about it (won’t happen)
What do you want for tea (which of the two things i’m willing to cook)
I’m sure it’ll turn up (can’t be arsed to help you look in your pit of a room)

Put your shoes and coat on translates as why not just sit down and have a rest?

Go to sleep I can hear you messing around I assume is just white noise because it doesn’t stop them.

Kiddish is bad enough but teenish??.
I very calmly said to teen dd this morning that i would rather she didn’t open a can of coke and then just leave it on the table as it’s a bit of a waste( last night not actually letting her have coke for breakfast)
This translated into teenish as “ I hate you, you are fat and spotty”
I also asked 9 year old DS what he wanted for breakfast - in Kiddish this meant “ go into the lounge and watch telly”
Someone should invent a translation app

Are kiddish speakers also deaf?

"Go and get your hat"
"Go and get your hat please"
"I've asked you twice to go and get your hat"
"GET YOUR SODDING HAT FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!"

"Mummy wahhhhhhh why are you shouting"

Fucks sake.

And Husbandish: 'could you empty the recycling while I'm at work please' translates to 'play on the x box for a few hours'.

Oh dearshirt that sounds too familiar

Oh wow, I've got a 15 month old. I guess I've got all that coming.

I use a lot of rhyming slang, trying to curb my bad habits so DS doesn't start picking up on it when he starts talking. Better than swearing I guess.

What do you want for tea (which of the two things i’m willing to cook)

Oh yes, I recognise this one

I remember reading somewhere - and I'm paraphrasing - that parenting is just days of shouting into an abyss things like "go and clean your teeth" or "put your shoes on" with no response or action.

Until of course you turn into a raging harridan and they say

"Go-ooooooooooooood Ooooookaaaaaaaaaaay you're always shouting, Go----od"

*Thats God not good ftr.

'Stand still, please, so i can brush your hair' = do your best Micheal Flatley impression.

'Put your shoes on, Pickle' = 5 minutes later and the dog clomps into the kitchen with a world-weary look on her face and ds' runners on her feet.

'Would you like a banana?' = omg mummy bought foam bananas from the sweety shop!

'You can have one bedroom story' = 3 stories and i'll hug you until you nod off.

Parent speak:
'Ask your mum' = no
'We'll see' = no
'I'll do it/get it/make it in a tick' = never
'We might do xyz later' = never

Ah yes parent speak

A well used thing from when I was child..now shamelessly being used on my own

"Mummy can I play on my tablet for a little bit?"
"Oh we'll see. Need to do xyz first" (urm no! You need to do your homework)

Best Parentish I ever hear was on a radio program with Fern Britain
That’s a very minor injury so stop bloody whining can’t you see I’m busy (on Mumsnet)
Translates as “ oh dear, I think we’d better keep an eye on that”
Use it all the time.

We use the

"Here's the magic fairy dust to make the boo boo go"

Really translates to "you big baby! You barely hurt yourself..there's not even a red mark! Stop crying"

'Stand still, please, so i can brush your hair' = do your best Micheal Flatley impression.

Made me laugh so much.

Get dressed = please lie in bed comatose for another half an hour whilst I check on you every five minutes because who knows maybe one day your clothes will spontaneously climb onto your body themselves if you practise long enough!!

I use talc for ds' bruises - takes all the pain away my mum used to rub talc on my sister's legs when she had growing pains.

MadameMinacious laugh away, i have this EVERY MORNING at 8.40 as i'm trying to get ds out of the door. Bounce-comb-bounce-comb!

I've just realised that I have my vocabulary the wrong way round.
I need to say "Bedtime" in the morning to get the DCs down the stairs like lightning. I need to say "Get dressed now" at night so they flounder around in bed.

They'll call my bluff won't they. Sigh.

The words "Socks! Shoes!" Have destroyed any broody urges.

@DearShirt were you in my house as we got ready for swimming yesterday afternoon?!?

"I was happy all day Mummy and now you've made me saaaadddddddd"

FFS

Well DD1 if you'd actually started getting charged the first time I'd asked, rather than me asking a SIXTH I mightn't have shouted!

"Get ready for school"
"I am ready"
"No, you have your t-shirt and underpants on. And nothing else"
"Ohhhhh yeah."

Ooooh yes ... "l'll go to bed in a sec" translates into "... Once l've slaughtered every Orc in the whole space/time continum ie. About 4am " and "l can't find any socks" actually means " l can't be arsed to look in any of the places where socks are to be found so bring me some, preferably pre-warmed, on a silver tray ..."

My dd is only 3 so I have loads of this to come but she was trying to ride the cat this morning and she wouldn't listen to me at all. Finally at the end of my tether shouted her name. I got 'mummy you don't have to shout' She seems to translate bedtime as go run and hide somewhere. I can see it only getting worse.

We used to think dd was french, she has severe speech delay and is currently waiting for an autism assessment, but on YouTube kids she would belly laugh at cartoons in French like she totally understood what was going on. Dh and I were just like, why are we worrying, she's clearly just French 😂😂

It's just like that Michael McIntyre sketch

My DS2 loves to watch "Peppa Pig" in Welsh. He only speaks English. He also hides at bedtime.

His incredibly fierce independent steak means that all I have to do to encourage him to get dressed at the moment is try to help him. I hope this particular phase lasts.

I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but dd almost 17 and STILL clearly can't understand a word I say.

"Hi how was work?" Apparently means "PLEASE glare at me as if I am evil for deigning to speak let alone show concern"

"Can you please put rubbish in the bin and remember to separate out the recycled items" (our council is proposing up move to THREE weekly collections we barely manage with fortnightly) translates to "leave rubbish strewn wherever especially half full bottles of juice without putting the lids on properly so when I pick them up I end up having to deal with a spillage"

"Wear your gloves, we have deep snow and it's freezing, I don't want you having cold sore hands" equals "I want you to look stupid and have people laugh and throw rotten cabbages at you"

"What are you doing at the weekend?" Apparently equals "how DARE you have a social life!"

But must admit to parentish too

"What do you fancy for dinner?" Equals "pick something easy to cook and that I want to eat"

"I'll think about it" - you've NO chance of me agreeing to that but I Cba to have an argument about it right now.