AIBU to think children don't actually speak English

[Soubriquet]

But instead speak a language called kiddish

It's like English but the translations vary between the two. For example:-

Go and get dressed actually translates to run around the room shouting excitedly and play with your toys.

Put your shoes on actually means sit for 10 minutes next to the shoe rack staring at nothing.

Straight still and straight means fidget like mad and move your head.

Some things like it's bath time and it starts time for a nap/bed must translate to torture as it creates sudden screaming

However things like would you like a new toy, or would you like some sweets translates incredibly well!

What do you think?

Oh god yes... 1000 time yes...

DD every single sodding morning

Me - Right everyone time to get dressed
(go dress DS, shower and dress myself)
ME - DD why are you still in just knickers
DD - Oh I forgot
Me - I'm going to do breakfast come down once you're dressed
10 minutes later
Me - Come get your toast it's now gone cold
stomping upstairs
DD [wails] I'm not dressed yet!!!
Me - come and eat your food!
DD - stamping downstairs - somewhere between 50 and 70% dressed
Stares into space for 10 minutes

Me - eat up!
DD - Oh? is that mine? Pointing to "her" fairy plate directly in front of her

finally eats breakfast

Me - we have 10 minutes, pleeeaase can you go upstairs brush your teeth and finish getting dressed

5 minutes later

Me - We're leaving in 5 minutes!

DD - but you said 10 minutes!
Me - that was 5 minutes ago!

Finally 2 minutes to spare

Me - you haven't brushed your hair
DD - you didn't ask me to
Me - you have to brush your hair every day so why wouldn't you need to do it today?
DD - starts sulking "it's not fair! you dress DS"
(he's 3 FFS!)
DD - I can't find my hair brush
Me - where did you leave it?
DD - in my barbie house, but it's not the----rrrrr
DD - Oh! Found it, do I get 50p for finding it?

Me - Shoes and coats, c'mon please we need to go now!

DD gets shoes on and goes through to lounge to put them on
Me - We don't take shoes in the lounge
DD takes shoes off again and then slowly puts them back on

Me - Got everything lets go!
DD - I can't find my special stone/ unicorn key ring/ stupid piece of paper that a friend wrote my name on

Me - we can worry about that later, we're now running late
Muttering to myself shove everyone out the door

5 minutes later

DD - Mummy? Why are you always grumpy in the morning?

FML

elQuintoConyo I laugh because it accurately describes interaction with my eldest when he was younger. You described it well and it resonated - a little glimmer of hope for you - he has improved a bit as a teen (and yes I still do his hair, he is a brand new teen).

I'm going to try 'get ready we have to leave the house in 5 minutes' at bed time now that UrgentScurryfunge has put it into my head.

Oh yes, husband-ish - my phone message yesterday to say, ' Can you please also get some chicken stock cubes - Knorr, that is K-N-O-R-R, not Oxo, do NOT get Oxo or stock pots,' translated into,
'Get Oxo'.

Apparently get dressed or change your clothes as we're going to XX activity in 10 minutes means t-shirt and joggers but never socks or a hoody

Husbandish is infuriating

"Babe can you feed the cat when you go out please"
"Yep, in a minute"

10 minutes later, the cat is still bothering me.

I get up ..

"Where are you going?"
"To feed the cat"
"I said I will do it now sit down!"

Cat finally gets fed about half an hour later.....

MTBMummy- do you secretly live in my house? It's uncanny...

But you don't understand!

Tween speak
"Go and shower, clean your teeth and put on your pyjamas" = "Just put on your pyjamas, in a few days everyone will notice the smell".

Teen speak
"Get ready, we're leaving in half an hour" ="Sit with your phone until everyone is walking out the door, then you'll have an excuse to claim everyone hates you because they won't wait for you to get ready".

AND

"What's for dinner?" ="Is it unhealthy or expensive? If not, I'm not hungry"

Kidspeak
"Get in the car quietly because the baby next door is sleeping" = kid 1 "Push your brother into the car door" = kid 2 "turn around and bite your brother", both "get into the car fighting like a couple of Tasmanian devils". The nephew can apparently count to 100 and recognise any number you ask him. He can read and write and had been signed up for Manchester United already! How my neighbour hasn't put the house on the market yet, I don't know!

On the plus side, I have discovered that this all works in reverse. So now I say what they do rather than what I want them to do. I have 4 faces that look like this .....result!

Managed to copy and paste a sentence from another thread I was reading, that's weird!

Lion I'd just read that thread and then read your post and thought I was having a back-to-the-future moment

Kiddish:
Mummy will you help me with this project for school? = Can you make suggestions and I'll just stand here and say "noooooooo that's not what my teacher meant" over and over again
Can I have breakfast now? = can we fill a bowl with cereal and milk and let it stand for 10 minutes so I can complain it's all gone soft

Teenish:
Yeah i'll do it in a minute mum = keep dreaming it will happen in this century
Are you doing laundry today? = I have a pile of foul stinky clothes in my bedroom and it would be nice if you could wash all of it today

parentish:
Ok maybe = erm no but I can't be bothered to have a long winded "but whyyyyy" discussion about it
Come on we're running late = we actually still have a good 10 minutes but I want to rush you so you're actually on time

"What's for dinner?" ="Is it unhealthy or expensive? If not, I'm not hungry"

Omg this is my dd to a tee! Drives me nuts! Saving grace is she genuinely doesn't like chips (or chocolate very much - weird kid )