Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think he should expect less at this stage

32 replies

inmyshoos · 17/01/2018 10:40

Exh and I been separated a year. He has met someone new. We have a separation agreement that says I can remain in family home until youngest 18 (10 yrs) I also took mortgage and title over in my name and paid off a big chunk of mortgage to make it affordable which means I have no savings now. Part of the reason for this was he wanted to buy elsewhere and needed off the mortgage.
Now he has decided we need a clean financial break. He has been a total shit since meeting new woman and hardly seeing the kids because he is moving on.
AIBU to think that if I could raise some money now to pay him, which might be impossible (moved to remote area for his job, kids now settled in school, extremely limited job prospects for me here as no childcare and he doesn't help with childcare. Apparently he pays me to look after them - child maintenance!!!) Aibu to think he should expect less at this stage than he would get in 10 yrs. I still need a house that fits all the kids for the next ten years!

Ultimately it all depends how desperate he is for a clean break and how much I could borrow if any. I already have him my last 5k savings for his deposit on house he bought.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/01/2018 10:50

How is the wording of the court order? Does he get a set amount or a percentage?

If a set amount it should be discounted for receiving it earlier. If a percentage it may stay the same based on the presumption that it's a percentage at a point in time so the discount is built in.

The order is in your favour. Do not be bullied into doing something you are not comfortable with or can't afford.

Take legal advice as to what discounted amount would be reasonable if you do decide to go ahead.

If he wants you to stay home to look after kids then child maintenance does not "pay for this. Even spousal maintenance does not unless specified.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/01/2018 10:59

I don't even have a choice about staying home. It's lack of job opportunity and childcare. I do work but only in a part time term time only minimum wage job despite being a graduate who previously had a professional job. Moving would be the obvious answer but dc settled in school, one has massive anxiety about moving and I'm not sure we could afford another house to fit us in without moving to somewhere shitty and I don't see why my dc should have to do that.

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 17/01/2018 11:08

Please get legal advice. Under the terms of my divorce my ex (we are still friends and get on well) pays the value of the monthly mortgage amount to me til the youngest child is 20 (two years away). The house and mortgage are in my name now and this is in lieu of any other payments to me regarding the 'children' who I pay monthly money to for food and clothes etc. I also pay for any sports subs, uni and college fees, etc.

When youngest is 20, I will still have to buy a house big enough for all 3 'children' to call home even though they are away at work/uni/college whilst he only has to think of himself and can get a much more affordable property. Yes its a bit unfair but I think ex was assuming I would get another partner and settle down very quickly - definitely NOT going to happen btw!

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/01/2018 12:53

blobby10 i need to see if I would get legal aid. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford it.
Also my experience of solicitors isn't great. I was married years ago to someone else and walked away with very little other than a huge legal fee bill.
Exh has been paying into a pension, I haven't as sahm. I came into the marriage with around 100k whilst he had no capital. It has supported us over the years whilst he (for more than half the time together) worked part time. I feel like I have compromised a lot, supported his career and now I am sort of left in a place where my future is fairly bleak (opportunity wise, obviously I'm bloody delighted about a future without him in It!) I just want this to be reflected in our financial split.

OP posts:

IrkThePurist · 17/01/2018 12:56

Google for your nearest Law Centre and start there, they'll know if you qualify for legal aid. They help people who cant afford a solicitor.

Ilovecamping · 17/01/2018 13:05

He cannot force you to sell up, you have to do what is best for you and your children, You could also have some right to his Pension? You need legal advice.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/01/2018 13:08

I know technically i could claim on his pension but have said i would wave this as long as the divide took into account my capital pre marriage.

OP posts:

TheFrendo · 17/01/2018 13:31

Get legal advice. He may well end up owing you.

Blobby10 · 17/01/2018 13:37

inmyshoes When we were going through the process I was really focussed on not taking more than was 'fair' so didn't claim on his pension but did get the house. It seemed fair at the time and my solicitor agreed. (It cost £3500 in total which we split as he self-represented as we were amicable and had already decided what we wanted to do)

Although I have a partner/boyfriend (seems ridiculous to call him that when we're nearly 50!) of 10 months and he's on girlfriend number 4 I'm breaking even month to month maintaining a big house (too big but whole other story there as to why!) and providing a home/base for kids when they come home and family animals whilst he can afford to take these new women on weekend trips every other weekend and plays Daddy Bountiful to the kids by giving them expensive trips away and days out.

I get jealous of his freedom to be honest even though I couldn't imagine not being the one the kids come home to and I do have to be careful that I dont play the martyr!!

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/01/2018 14:34

I too am jealous of exhs freedom. Freedom to work whenever, wherever in a rewarding career, freedom to rock up and see the dc only when it suits him, freedom to live wherever he likes without considering 3 other people (dc) I feel trapped here in many ways. He brought me here. To follow his career path. To an area where there is no opportunity for me to do the same and I am limited by three dc all under 13.
I just think freedom is worth so much.

At the end of the day it depends how reasonable he wants to be. Since meeting new women he has been a complete shit to be honest. Feels he has compromised too much. I've compromised way more over the years.
It will all depend if he wants money Now or wants to wait 10 years and depending on the housing market possibly get double the amount.

OP posts:

Springiscoming123 · 17/01/2018 14:49

on my divorce i was allowed to stay in the house until children reached 18,unless a partner moved in for 6 months + then he could force a sale

do you have similar,if you do dont do anything and stay

Graphista · 17/01/2018 15:00

Ask local friends for solicitor recommendations, these days there may even be a reviews site? Or even mention county on here and get recommendations. Not all solicitors are equal as you (and I) discovered. Luckily my 2nd was much better.

He's taking the piss as you know and the gf is stirring.

Is he paying the minimum child maintenance or even less? You may be better off going through cms. Given he's starting to whinge about it I think this a good idea anyway.

Also it's not on him just tipping up when he likes to see DC, they need routine and consistency and you don't need to be on edge wondering when he'll show! So get a regular agreement in writing on that.

Flowerpot1234 · 17/01/2018 15:06

Moving would be the obvious answer
Yes, it is.

but dc settled in school
Children move all the time. It's no big deal. Now is exactly the time to do it, not in a few years when their exams are coming up.

one has massive anxiety about moving
Diagnosed with anxiety? Or just moans about it? You're the adult and provider here - do not tailor your life around unreasonable demands of your children.

and I'm not sure we could afford another house to fit us in without moving to somewhere shitty
You will be able to find somewhere. Not shitty, but perhaps not your ideal. C'est la vie, we all go through this.

and I don't see why my dc should have to do that.
Why, are they above the ebbs and flows of life? Are you? Tell you children to get over it, you're moving.

CardinalCat · 17/01/2018 15:08

Good legal advice is not cheap, but it is very rarely bad value.

Bluelady · 17/01/2018 15:10

What a deeply unpleasant post, Flowerpot.

Flowerpot1234 · 17/01/2018 15:17

Bluelady What did you find deeply unpleasant exactly?

Bluelady · 17/01/2018 15:18

All of it.

Flowerpot1234 · 17/01/2018 15:19

Bluelady In what way?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/01/2018 15:31

Definitely get proper advice. Remember that you are under no obligation to be 'nice' to this man if it harms you or your DC. You don't owe the fucker anything and it sounds like he has already screwed you over.

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 15:36

Flower That you are extremely dismissive of the OP despite the fact that actually she has a hell of a lot of reason to be annoyed at the change of heart of her ex. And her reason not to want to move are just as relevant as his ‘to want to clean slate’ (aka I want to go and shag my new woman and have enough money to do as I please. Never mind the dcs and whether they will still have a roof over their heads)

Op I agree with others. The best thing you can do is get some legal advice.
Lots to take into account incl the fact that you brought a nice amount to the relationhsip and the fact he has a pension when you don’t.
Unfortunately the system doesn’t take into account the compromises youve done for him (eg relocate somewhere you can’t find work etc...). But that’s not a reason to let him dictate you the terms of the split.

Flowerpot1234 · 17/01/2018 15:39

NotReadyToMove

Flower That you are extremely dismissive of the OP
Eh? Have you got the right poster? Where did I dismiss the OP? I agreed with her - moving is the obvious answer.

despite the fact that actually she has a hell of a lot of reason to be annoyed at the change of heart of her ex.
Yes she does. I never wrote she didn't.

And her reason not to want to move are just as relevant as his ‘to want to clean slate’ (aka I want to go and shag my new woman and have enough money to do as I please. Never mind the dcs and whether they will still have a roof over their heads)
Yes they are. I never wrote her reasons are not as relevant.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/01/2018 15:40

What a deeply unpleasant post, Flowerpot. Really? I thought it was just the kick up the bum many women need when they find themselves backed into a corner by exes and DCs.

A quick reminder that they are an adult and are perfectly capable of making adult decisions without the need for the input of Uncle Tom Cobbley and All!

ATeardropExplodes · 17/01/2018 15:44

Are you actually divorced?

Flowerpot1234 · 17/01/2018 15:45

CuriousaboutSamphire Thanks, exactly!

littlerobyn · 17/01/2018 16:08

I agree with @Flowerpot1234.

Sorry you're in this situation op can you start looking at relocating to somewhere with better career prospects for yourself? Even if you have to move to a smaller property to start with. After time with the better pay, you should hopefully be back to a similar sized property in no time. I know it's a huge thing to even think about doing with 3 young dc, however it really could be the best for your family long term. As he's hardly mr helpful dad of the year seeings as he can't be arsed to help with childcare, could you move to where you have support off family/friends? X

Flip

1 2