To think he should expect less at this stage

[inmyshoos]

Exh and I been separated a year. He has met someone new. We have a separation agreement that says I can remain in family home until youngest 18 (10 yrs) I also took mortgage and title over in my name and paid off a big chunk of mortgage to make it affordable which means I have no savings now. Part of the reason for this was he wanted to buy elsewhere and needed off the mortgage.
Now he has decided we need a clean financial break. He has been a total shit since meeting new woman and hardly seeing the kids because he is moving on.
AIBU to think that if I could raise some money now to pay him, which might be impossible (moved to remote area for his job, kids now settled in school, extremely limited job prospects for me here as no childcare and he doesn't help with childcare. Apparently he pays me to look after them - child maintenance!!!) Aibu to think he should expect less at this stage than he would get in 10 yrs. I still need a house that fits all the kids for the next ten years!

Ultimately it all depends how desperate he is for a clean break and how much I could borrow if any. I already have him my last 5k savings for his deposit on house he bought.

I do have supportive friends here, one of the reasons I'd be loathed to move.

My DD has diagnosed anxiety. Has had help from cahms. Previously friend to move house whilst still with exh and she was having panic attacks and crying herself to sleep. I don't feel emotionally strong enough just now to deal with that on top of everything else.

And flower no I don't think my dc are above the ebs and flows of life but I think they've had enough shit thrown at them recently and why should I throw more at them just because their father is a cocklodging arsehole. Shit happens yes but its about limiting the damage.

I've broken my back making this house what it is along with the help of my father whilst cocklodger did sweet fa. He was a lazy bastard who took everything going and gave little in return. I won't bow down to his pressure just because he is currently shagging someone who is filling his head with ideas about him compromising too much.

Just remember that you can chose to walk away from all of that. Sunken costs fallacy can be a real drawback.

I think Flowerpot's post was a good one, to try to get you to look outside your 'norm'. If it hadn't been her it would have been me... and I am really blunt too!

You can throw what you like at your life... your kids will survive it, especially if it makes their mum happy! Don't let fuming at /about the ex cocklodger cloud your judgement or influence your choices.

What is best for you will probably work out best for your kids!

but I think they've had enough shit thrown at them recently and why should I throw more at them just because their father is a cocklodging arsehole. Shit happens yes but its about limiting the damage.

OK, so moving is not what you want to do nor is what you will do.

So, if moving is not the answer, what is?

Well I’m sorry but actually my advice wouod never be to just sell the house.
Keeping the house is often the one thing that allows women to get back on their feet and gives them a layer of protection.

Of course if there is no other possibility, then you have to seek the house. But that’s not what is going in there. It’s just a man who wants all the good things for himself whilst he carrying on with his life leaving his ex’s struggling (because she is the one who is looking after the dcs, has uprooted herself, can’t do her old job etc etc). And he is doing so even if this is detrimental to his dcs (eg because of where they will end up living etc)

Moving, selling the h in use should, IMO, only be done if there is no other choice OR the woman has another plan, one that will allow her to still have a house once the dcs have left home etc....
This is not the case of the OP so I’m not sure why it’s a good idea to give her the kick she needs .
Actually it didn’t strike me that she needed one tbh.

dont move op if you can help it,it is very important as you know for children to have a solid familiar base,sod what he wants you are the won doing the hard part and will for years to come

moving and all it entails is very stresfull,atkeast staying you will cut yours and your childrens anxiety and you can work on the rest

its your family home and your children deserve the comfort of their home,friends,school to stay the same if possible

sod him he's just out for himself by the sounds

Get some legal advice and make life as difficult for him as possible. The £100k that's vanished into this relationship would really irk me, why on earth should you and your kids lose their home because he's a dick?

I certainly won't be going out my way to make him happy that's for sure. He was perfectly happy with our agreement up until he met this new person. Now he isn't happy. I knew he was a spineless shit but I didn't ever think he would disregard his children like this.