To think my SIL’s don’t like me.......

[Hotwaterbottlequeen]

.....Because I’m not overly interested/ invested in their children?

Bit of background, I’m a sociable person with lots of friends, so it’s not that people generally just don’t like ‘me’ if that makes sense? I got on well with one SIL (DB’s Wife) well before she had children. DH’s sister I have never particularly gelled with even before she had DC.

Now my dilemma/ paranoid thoughts is/ are I’m not overly bothered about children, if I’m honest I find them a little dull/ irritating at times. I’m happy enough to play with them for a bit and to enquire about their lives etc to their mums, but after a few hours I need to talk about something else other than ‘the children’

Both my SIL’s are very mumsy mums if that makes sense? They’ve kinda given up everything now they’ve had children and their whole live revolves around/ focuses solely on the children. They don’t like to talk about anything else and neither of them since having children 5 years ago have enquired into my life or asked how I am. The only time one of them really pays any interest in me is to ask when DH and I are going to ‘hurry up and have kiddies.’

They are both pretty cool towards me nowadays and I get the sense that me buying the children presents for birthdays and christmases and playing with them when I see them etc isn’t enough....because in truth I probably only see the children about 3 times a year. I sense that there is resentment there on both sides because of this, and probably the fact that I don’t often message either of them asking about the children much. In truth, when I’m with either of them in person ALL I chat about is their children, but I guess in between seeing them I don’t really speak to either of them.

I’m not close to either of them and in all honesty, have v little in common with either of them.

I’m just wondering mums of mumsnet, is this, would this be an issue for you? Do you mind if someone who isn’t very interested in children doesn’t take a shit load of interest in your child? Or does it offend you?

You can be honest!

You do plenty OP.
We have 4DCs and one sister each. Before they had their own DCs, none of our sisters were remotely interested in ours. In fact, they regarded them as small bombs that might go off if you handled them wrongly.

Us grown ups would sit around chatting and the DCs would play around us. It would have been odd and awkward for either of our DSiss to suddenly get down and play with dinosaurs!

Now they’ve both got a child similar in age to our youngest, it’s a bit child centric/softplay/babyled nonsense. Luckily, we all work so I can change the subject a bit.

I much preferred their company before & am looking forward to them growing out of it.

Your Sils sound like dull, self regarding bores. I wouldn’t bother spending more time than you’d like to with them.

Do make an effort with your nieces and nephews though. Little kids turn into teens very fast - and they’re great fun.

I wouldn't overthink this. I have a child and tbh I will talk to anyone about anything. Yes I talk about my daughter but there's a whole world of things to talk about.
One of my sister in law's was like this, constantly enquiring to when I would "settle down". Even after I'd "settled down" and was in her circle, she still drove me insane with her constant need to talk about her children and nothing else, by then they were practically grown up.... We're different types and v low key now.
It's good to show an interest in others but one sided conversations do grate after a time.

Yanbu. Parents talking about their kids are really dull and boring and other people's kids are often irritating.

Ach, I doubt this is about the kids. You yourself said you've nothing in common. They will think that of you too. They probably talk about the kids as they can't think of what else to say to you. You're not close, so I wouldn't stress about it. Be friendly when you see them, don't go out of your way,

Are you sure they have an issue with you hotwaterbottle? From your OP it sounds as though you see each other less and your friendship with them has just moved on as you are at different life stages. I can’t see anything you have said that proves they are annoyed with you.
As PP have said I would make the effort with your nieces and nephews as they will slowly but surely become more interesting to you and you will have the additional pride in knowing you contributed to the people they will become in some way.

Your brothers don’t bother about you. Neither do your sils. My brother doesn’t bother about me, ditto his wife. Didn’t bother much at all about my dd when she was born. Once they had a child, all they could talk about was their child. Their treat our child as a second class citizen.

After years of trying to keep a family together, of trying to please them, to cause no trouble and aggravation, to be calm and nice, I’ve given up. There was always a perceived slight, a reason to bitch about me behind my back, to shout and scream at me, to threaten to punch and deck me. I have been pushed over and physically hurt as well. Then they started on my dd, and actively treating her badly, sil screaming at her. I’m done. It’s been hard to go nc.

Of course, they blame me. I can totally see it from their POV. They don’t believe I’m chronically ill and disabled from it. They don’t understand that I was too ill to visit them as well as my mother on the odd occasion I went to my family house. I went so I could see my stepdad, who was too ill to visit and it took me weeks to recover from the trip. I therefore told them we were around, which I suppose they saw as a summons. They pull faces because I hardly ever drink (as it makes me very ill) and make snide comments because my life doesn’t revolve around the pub/getting pissed. We visited them once and they took me on a ridiculously long walk, fine as they don’t believe the disability. Idk how I managed to get back to the road from the path and luckily it was during a period of better health. They left dd, 6 at the time, panicking and crying all over me while dh went to collect the car. Instead of taking me home, they wanted a drink. We arrived in the pub and overheard brother wasn’t ordering the drinks until we arrived as “you know what they’re like”. Dh and I wouldn’t entertain them bringing their dog anymore after it bit dd on the face. I totally can see how unreasonable we seem and how angry they are at us, especially me.

Families don’t have to stick together if they can’t get along. As others have said, take an interest in your n&n and you will be rewarded. If you don’t want a future relationship with these children then that’s also your choice.

Dont bother with them if they dont with you. Why keep making all the effort. They sound self absorbed.

You admit that you don't really have anything in common, which is completely fine. Therefore the expectation is that the only reason you would want to see them would be to spend time with your nieces and nephews. If you think about lots of the pil threads most of the issues arise once someone has children and in laws that they don't get on with and don't have anything in common with want to spend time with their children. Therefore have to let them and it does become all about the children.

You buy the dc gifts?? More than my dc aunts do.

The two childless filthy rich ones don't bother with my dc, one turned up with one gift for one only .

The other childless poor one who lives on a different continent... Manages to send sweet little bits... Song cost much at all but so exciting for the the dc.

Sorry op you sound alot nicer than my dc aunts... You already do alot more for the them.

Maybe they just don't like you because you are kind of smug and dismissive of their lives?

Mummy your family situation is extreme the big question is why did you put up with it for so long. Physical violence!! No.

One of my SILs only showed an interest in me when i had kids because it meant I was a "normal woman". Too little too late.

Children are boring. I find my own children dull and irritating so you aren't being unreasonable for finding other peoples dull and irritating!

www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/dogs-are-people-too.html

Anyway, back to the point, you don’t have to be best friends with you SILs.

It’s best to be polite and so on, but being related doesn’t make you best buddies. As for the effort thing, my brother is the same. I’ve largely given up making an effort, so if our paths cross then fine, if not then fine. Meh.

Saysomething
They made me believe it was all me and I was in the wrong. If you’ve been brought up in an abusive household with a brother, who is allowed to abuse you, it isn’t uncommon to think it’s your fault. So I tried to be nice and loving and kind, to contort myself in all manner of positions. I thought if I was just good enough and nice enough they’d accept me. Classic scapegoat.

Hello Op, I could be your SIL... my brother and his Dp never make any sort of effort with us after I had Dc... they have other friends minus dc.... and have clearly mentioned that we are not invited because of our dc. I was bitter for a long time that they never came to see my children or even just invite me out so that brings me out of the house and away from kids for a bit. They even knew how low I felt during my mat leave as I don't have any other family or friends ( my problem I know)

But that phase has passed and I've come to terms with it ... I also realise that I probably won't be that interested in their dc. Only thing is feel sad for my kids who won't get to know their only family here.

Bunzie- although I sympathise with your situation...you couldn’t be either of my SIL’s. I’ve invited them both for nights out, suggested we go for a meal etc, IL’s on goth sides offered to babysit...nothing. Not interested. I have made the effort with both parties over the years and try and take as much interest in my nieces and nephews as possible but I’m not overly family orientated, child orientated or close to either DC’s parents so the chances of me being an absolute doting aunt are slim.

Forgot to mention your SIL just need to get over this phase...and the sooner, the better for everyone.

I wouldn't expect presents directly bought by my siblings spouses. In fact I would be appalled if my sibling was palming off the dc onto their spouse. The same for arranging to see them. My mil is a bit pissed at me she doesn't see dc. I always bat this over to dh to organise. She is learning, gradually, that that's how we do things.