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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SIL’s don’t like me.......

69 replies

Hotwaterbottlequeen · 16/01/2018 19:59

.....Because I’m not overly interested/ invested in their children?

Bit of background, I’m a sociable person with lots of friends, so it’s not that people generally just don’t like ‘me’ if that makes sense? I got on well with one SIL (DB’s Wife) well before she had children. DH’s sister I have never particularly gelled with even before she had DC.

Now my dilemma/ paranoid thoughts is/ are I’m not overly bothered about children, if I’m honest I find them a little dull/ irritating at times. I’m happy enough to play with them for a bit and to enquire about their lives etc to their mums, but after a few hours I need to talk about something else other than ‘the children’

Both my SIL’s are very mumsy mums if that makes sense? They’ve kinda given up everything now they’ve had children and their whole live revolves around/ focuses solely on the children. They don’t like to talk about anything else and neither of them since having children 5 years ago have enquired into my life or asked how I am. The only time one of them really pays any interest in me is to ask when DH and I are going to ‘hurry up and have kiddies.’

They are both pretty cool towards me nowadays and I get the sense that me buying the children presents for birthdays and christmases and playing with them when I see them etc isn’t enough....because in truth I probably only see the children about 3 times a year. I sense that there is resentment there on both sides because of this, and probably the fact that I don’t often message either of them asking about the children much. In truth, when I’m with either of them in person ALL I chat about is their children, but I guess in between seeing them I don’t really speak to either of them.

I’m not close to either of them and in all honesty, have v little in common with either of them.

I’m just wondering mums of mumsnet, is this, would this be an issue for you? Do you mind if someone who isn’t very interested in children doesn’t take a shit load of interest in your child? Or does it offend you?

You can be honest!

OP posts:
Amaried · 16/01/2018 20:57

Honestly I'm a bit 🙄 at people who expect people to adore their kids almost as much as they do.
I have loads of friend who don't have kids and have no real interest in mine but have been loyal and true to me over the years. I don't honestly expect them to fawn over my kids (amazing as they are Grin)
It seems a bit sad to me that people would resent good friends for that.

Herewegoagain01 · 16/01/2018 21:00

My sil has no interest in my kids, and tbh it is upsetting as she is their aunt. But she has told me many times she doesn’t like kids. She’s s lovely person otherwise, but since I have 3 kids in tow I generally avoid seeing her and my brother now. It upsets my kids their aunt and uncle treat them like strangers.

You talk about your nieces/nephews like they’re an inconvenience so I can see why they are cool with you..

Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/01/2018 21:02

Well if you view children as being pretty much on the same level as dogs then I'm guessing that you pretty much send off some pretty bad signals about their kids.

You clearly don't like them or their kids and find them boring. Why are you expecting people you dislike to think you're wonderful?

InDubiousBattle · 16/01/2018 21:06

Honestly? Yes it would offend me a bit if a relative I only saw 3 times a year showed no interest in my children.

LucilleBluth · 16/01/2018 21:09

If it was just one SIL then it could bear her but the fact that it's two suggests it you.

Chewbecca · 16/01/2018 21:10

My SIL literally never speaks to my DS or asks anything about him at all. It makes me less interested in my SIL tbh.

But ultimately, you probably have little in common.

selfishcrab · 16/01/2018 21:18

I have no real interest in other peoples children and I don't care if they are interested in mine its their choice.
Just because you don't doesn't mean you aren't worth bothering with/talking to and it's rude if they feel that way.
People should respect others choices.

Mum2jenny · 16/01/2018 21:27

I do prefer dogs to children but I still see my grandson on a regular basis and do enjoy my time with him. But if I had a free choice, I prefer dogs.

Meeep · 16/01/2018 21:30

You don't have to like everyone and everyone doesn't have to like you.

InDubiousBattle · 16/01/2018 21:30

Really Mum2jenny? So if you had the opportunity to spend an hour with either your grandchild or a dog you would chose the dog?

donquixotedelamancha · 16/01/2018 21:34

Weathering- They probably find my dogs dull and irritating, they’ve never expressed an interest in dogs, hence why I don’t talk about my dogs.

You should tell your SILs this. I think equating their children and the dogs will help them understand you and love you more :-)

if I’m honest I find them a little dull/ irritating at times.

They’ve kinda given up everything now they’ve had children and their whole live revolves around/ focuses solely on the children.

I sense that there is resentment there on both sides because of this

Well the only side you can be sure about the feelings of is yours. You say your resent them, it certainly doesn't sound like you actually like them.

I tend to take an interest in my family's lives because they are important to me, not because I'm thrilled by everything they've done. It takes effort to build strong relationships.

What do you actually want them to do @Hotwaterbottlequeen? Having kids is very time consuming. It will be the main feature of their lives, though not in the way you imagine from your post. They probably aren't offended- they just don't have time/energy to put loads of effort in and get nothing back.

People like people who are nice. It's not rocket science, but it is effort:

  • Offer to babysit.
  • Invite them for a brew.
  • Phone for a natter and listen to them.

Or just tell yourself this (and hope it doesn't change as people get older):
I’m a sociable person with lots of friends, so it’s not that people generally just don’t like ‘me’

Original poster
Hotwaterbottlequeen · 16/01/2018 21:47

One of them I probably see about 6 times a year. The other is about 3 times a year but that’s because they moved a four hours drive away for work.

Whenever I do see either of these people it’s because IVE made the effort to organise something. Neither of them have ever made an effort to organise anything with me and their DC, be it a day out or lunch or anything. I would actually be up for that but the fact that they’ve never done it yet happily do it with everyone else, to me says they don’t really like me anyway.

My brother couldn’t give a shit about me if I’m honest, I never, ever hear from him, even when I’ve had horrible stuff going on, not once have I ever just recieved a ‘hope you’re okay’ sort of text, never. Again, he’s never invited me around to his house or anything. It’s always me having to invite myself round.

And then when I do see these people, I’m not lying when I say that for 5-6 hours straight they just talk continuously about themselves and their children and don’t ask me one tiny little thing. ALL I speak to them about is their children, constantly enquiringly into their lives etc, yet I get nothing back. Do you know how shit that makes me feel?!

Some of these posts have been quite upsetting tbh. It very much seems that if someone is a parent it gives them carte Blanche to treat people however they want and people have to just take it and still be lovely to them back because they’re a parent?!

I would love to show more interest in my nieces and nephews but when their parents have never shown zilch interest in me and never do still to this day, coupled with the fact that I just feel really awkward around children and don’t really enjoy their company all that much, yes, I admit I am not a doting aunty like some but is it really surprising?!

OP posts:
Leigha3 · 16/01/2018 21:48

Isn't it usually more difficult for the Aunt or Uncle that's not blood related to take as much interest? Well I'd think it would be at least if they don't have kids themselves.

I have no personal experience myself other than my ex never showed any interest whatsoever in my nephews even though he'd known them from birth and saw them more than 3 times per year which bothered me and was probably why they never called him uncle.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottlequeen · 16/01/2018 21:49

Yes but why do I have to make ALL the effort donquix?! Why don’t they ever and have they never made any effort with me?! So because they’ve had children I just have to suck up their rude ways and carry on overcompensating on my part because it’s unreasonable of me not to because they’ve got kids?!

OP posts:
NewYearNiki · 16/01/2018 21:56

Yes but why do I have to make ALL the effort donquix?! Why don’t they ever and have they never made any effort with me?!

I agree

People want adoration just because they chose to breed.

My nephews behaviour is shocking because my sister lets them do what they like when they like and I am fed up with a 4 and 6 year olds constant whinging and whining and tantrumming all day every time I see them. They know their mother gives into anything if they whine and tantrum and so they do it constantly.

I can't stand it and have severely limited contact all round.

I'd step back op.

Leigha3 · 16/01/2018 21:59

Decided to add more.

I've always felt awkward around small kids (under 5's mostly) even blood relatives, but that's more because I'm actually always concerned I'll bore them.

I figure that will change after our daughter is born.

I don't think some of the comments toward the OP are warranted. It's clear that a big part of the underlying issue is that her SIL's seem to give zero fucks about her and her life yet expect her to hang on their every word about their own, no one likes a one sided relationship.

Not everyone naturally finds children delightful, that doesn't make them bad people, and at least she's trying.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/01/2018 22:00

Some of these posts have been quite upsetting tbh.

Well, you did post on AIBU :-)

People can only judge from what you write- your recent post tells a different story. You are clearly pissed off with them, more than worrying they don't like you. We can only assume that you have good reason to be and that they might well be selfish. That doesn't change the two choices:

  1. Accept you aren't that close.
  2. Work to make things better.

It very much seems that if someone is a parent it gives them carte Blanche to treat people however they want

I don't think anyone's said that, you gave no real examples of being treated badly. They are saying that these kids are an important part of your siblings lives. There is some truth that when you are parent to young kids your life goes a bit on hold and you can be a bit blinkered. Equally, some people are just self absorbed anyway.

I would love to show more interest in my nieces and nephews

So do it. I promise, as someone who once felt as you do about kids, that the awkwardness gets much easier with practice and it really is very rewarding. It may be the catalyst to a better relationship with your siblings.

Roussette · 16/01/2018 22:04

I understand what you're saying OP. I think there are mothers out there who treat other women who don't have DC as some sort of lesser being.

And people who bang on about their kids all the time are boring one dimensional people.

It sounds like you do make an effort and they don't so you have every right to gripe about this. You ask about their kids, you play with them when you see them, you buy them presents... what on earth do these mothers want?

BTW I have DCs myself (no adult) and I would hate to think I ever bored people talking about them, I'm very conscious to be not just a mother but me.

BarbarianMum · 16/01/2018 22:04

So you're not close to them and don't have much in common. And this is a problem because....? Have they actually ever said anything negative to you? Maybe they just don't feel like you have much in common and so make little effort.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/01/2018 22:06

Yes but why do I have to make ALL the effort donquix?! Why don’t they ever and have they never made any effort with me?!

Cross post, but I'll answer anyway. You first post didn't give the impression of making tons of effort. You don't have to. I'm not saying you should. You could just leave it. I believe you when you say you'd be quite entitled to.

I'm suggesting (based on your recent post) that you want to fix things and it's worth a stab.

ClementineWardrobe · 16/01/2018 22:06

I have no kids, if I had them it would not offend me at all if a relative took minimal interest, polite catch up and a bit of a play is fine. Your kids are the centre of your world and they change your life, but that doesn't apply to every relative. Three times a year is plenty!

BarbarianMum · 16/01/2018 22:06

Maybe they don't want anything more from the OP.

Roussette · 16/01/2018 22:06

I meant to say 'now adult'

babybobobear · 16/01/2018 22:09

They sound boring OP.
Also, yes to dogs being better than people!

NataliaOsipova · 16/01/2018 22:13

I'm on the fence on this. I think I would find it a bit odd if a relative wasn't interested in my children- but, equally, I wouldn't assume the conversation would revolve around them. In fact, I'm always very happy not to talk about them and to talk about something else (be that politics, culture or whatever).

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