... in thinking some women just want other women to have a crappy experience of motherhood because they did?

[tomatosalt]

Two work colleagues in their late forties were discussing their experiences of childbirth with me in the lunchroom. This swiftly moved on to one of them admonishing ‘the next generation of mothers’ for accepting too much help from their own parents (the DGP’s) with their DC. I went from being surprised that someone would judge another woman in this way to being horrified when the other one joined in.

Cue both women recounting all the times they were sick/exhausted/recovering from childbirth and left alone with absolutely no help because family all lives too far away. So much judgement “You chose to have them, you raise them!” type stuff. One of the women who is already a grandparent was practically crowing about how she refuses to do any childcare for her DD and SIL, i.e. pick up sick granddaughter from daycare and look after her until one of them could get there from their jobs on the other side of town. The other woman openly stated that she feels ‘resentful’ when a mother tells her that she’s going away with her partner for the weekend, childfree, ‘because I never had that luxury’.

AIBU in thinking women like this are the exception, not the rule?! I’m not advocating that grandparents should be obliged to take on parental responsibilities but why would you not be willing to help out your own child occasionally just on the basis that no one helped you out so everyone else should just suck it up and suffer?

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it. I don't have any family close by for support but do have a very supportive and helpful husband. Other people will have the opposite.

They don't sound like very nice ladies to me. Luckily I haven't experienced this attitude myself.

As a middle aged woman myself, I think that there's a certain type of middle-aged woman who is jealous of younger women, I have seen it when I was much younger and I sometimes see it now. That jealousy extends to fertility, too, imo, and that's why some middle-aged women are so nasty to younger women and those with young children. Of course I'm sure there's loads of other reasons - some quite valid - why GPs wouldn't/cant look after DGC but in some cases it is what I have seen, I think.

I don't think it's linked to parenting, I think it's a personality type.
I've come across people who had a terrible time in their work training contracts who then feel (gleefully sometimes) obliged to make sure their trainees have a terrible time too, because they did. Others go out of their way to make it better because they remember how horrible it was.

FWIW, my dm went out of her way to offer babysitting sometimes just so i could go out or have a nap or do a hobby - she remembers how the few offers of babysitting for her generation only came when something important needed doing, never so she could just have some time to herself, and she was determined to do that for me.

I don’t get any help from my DM, despite living at my grandparents at the weekends and staying overnight with her friends in the week often when I was a child. Even if she is here, it’s generally harder as I have to make her tea and dinner and she won’t wash up or anything. My SIL gets a LOT of help daily. My ILs would help out in a flash but because of my own childhood (never spent in my own home) I never ask unless it’s an emergency.

However, my DM will make comments like “oh doesn’t she cope well” and “her house is always so clean”. Well yes. It is. Because she has lots of time to do those things. And a DM that helps her. So I am not “jealous”, more annoyed that people close to you, who can see what you have to go through just to stay sane most days, make comparisons like that and assume someone is a great mother simply because the house looks nice.

Your colleagues sound a bit weird, but I know the types you mean OP. There's almost a competitive edge to their suffering, and they can be real dicks about it. I remember when I was expecting my first, there was a certain group of women in my office who were so GLEEFUL about how awful my labour was going to be, how I'd never sleep again, and how I'd have to abandon my career and get 'a little cleaning job' instead. Maybe it was a weird jealousy. They were done with their child rearing years and wouldn't have them again. Who knows.

I am a Grandparent and still have children young enough to need parenting.

My adult DD rarely asks me for help, because she realises I have a lot on my plate, but her baby is not moving today and she may have to go to hospital to get checked. She has rung me and asked what I have on today (nothing unmovable) and told me to be on standby. While I am worried about my unborn grandchild (although not overly so, the toddler did the same a few times), I am glad to have the chance to spend time with my GD!

I do not understand those who refuse to 'help', my own mum being among them. I would have thought they would just enjoy spending time with their Grandchildren.

As someone said, each generation has difficulties to contend with. It's always easier to be generous with your own time and help if there is some recognition by the person you're helping that you didn't necessarily have everything easy. When a request for help becomes a demand for help, and, worse, is coupled with continuing comments about how difficult it is for young people nowadays and how easy it was for the parent's generation, it is understandable why the help isn't given graciously. We only know one side of this story!

My mother is the martyr type like this and used to gleefully tell me she couldn't wait til I had kids so I'd know how awful it was! She's almost disappointed that I enjoy being a parent and don't resent it and struggle with it like she did. I think it is all down to jealousy tbh. It's very odd.

I don’t think there was ever any suggestion that the woman with a grandchild leave work to pick up her granddaughter. We don’t work regular Mon-Fri business hours (and she works part time) so I assumed it was a day off.
I think maybe PP’s are right about it all being down to personality type plus the resentment women feel about being burdened with the majority of care work.