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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to shout at my child

49 replies

melclaire1111 · 16/01/2018 06:39

Hubby and I can't seem to agree on how to discipline our 20 month old. He thinks that screaming and shouting at then until they're reduced to tears is the correct way, whereas I go for a softer approach and it's really upsetting me!

Last night DC and I were playing and as they were over excited DC grabbed my hair and started pulling quite harshly. I quickly untangled DC's hands and sternly said no and that they couldn't do that as it hurt mummy. All the time DH is sitting behind me swearing cos I haven't out DC on the floor and shouted at them. In his words i need to make them feel that they have done the worst thing in the world and make them sob! This feel unnecessarily harsh and I Don't want to go that way! He then spent all night telling me how I'm wrong how he expects me to do it his way next time or DC won't learn and will end up a spoilt brat!

So Aibu to not want to shout at my child and reduce them to tears?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 16/01/2018 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggsonHeads · 16/01/2018 06:43

YANBU. If you shout all the time it doesn't work when you need it to, for example when they are about to run on to the road. Shouting is for emergencies.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/01/2018 06:43

He then spent all night telling me how I'm wrong how he expects me to do it his way

WTAF??

MiniTheMinx · 16/01/2018 06:46

He spent ALL night telling you to do it his way.

He's a bully isn't he.

HermionesRightHook · 16/01/2018 06:48

Your husband is a dick. Of course he's wrong. A child that age doesn't need shouting at for accident hair pulling, they don't understand what they've done - they need clear signals and an explanation like you're doing.

You can escalate to putting on the floor as a further step if the behaviour is repeated on purpose and so becomes naughty I guess but the shouting is awful.

Slartybartfast · 16/01/2018 06:48

he is ridiculous

norfolkenclue · 16/01/2018 06:48

I'm really hoping that this isn't serious!! Your DH wants you to scream and shout at a 20 month old????? Jesus! He needs to get anger management help immediately and you need to get yourself and your DC to a place of safety! That's seriously disturbing. A 20 month old baby!! Being screamed and shouted at, reduced to tears...they must be fucking terrified!!

Slartybartfast · 16/01/2018 06:49

buy a book on parenting op and make him read it,
does he had overly aggressive parents?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 16/01/2018 06:49

YANBU

SavoyCabbage · 16/01/2018 06:52

He’s nuts. That’s not how other people behave.

overnightangel · 16/01/2018 06:52

YANBU
Tell your husband it’s the 21st century and also tell him not to be a bullying prick to you and your child. He sounds horrible

CrazyExIngenue · 16/01/2018 06:55

YANBU. Shouting at a 20 month old will do nothing more than scare them. They won't understand why it's happening.

Save your voice till they're 6, you'll be shouting plenty then even if it's just "For the millionth time! GO PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!"

Labradoodliedoodoo · 16/01/2018 06:55

So he wants to bully the child into behaving and doing what they are told rather then helping the child develop empathy and a moral compass.

This will all end up badly for him. One day she will be big enough and old enough to scream and shout at him back and what discipline will he have then? Nothing. Their relationship will be utterly crap because she will know he’s an over reacting bully.

Buy him a book. The best discipline is kind and reflective and consistent.

DaisysStew · 16/01/2018 06:56

Your DC doesn’t have the emotional maturity for empathy yet. He won’t be crying because he regrets his actions- it’s because a big grown up who he loves and trusts is screaming aggressively in their face while they tower over them. I’m 30 and it would scare me.

Its a needlessly aggressive response to normal toddler behaviour and he needs to follow your lead with the gentler approach.

LynetteScavo · 16/01/2018 06:58

YANBU

Your child will grow up thinking he's a dick.

And they'd be right.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 16/01/2018 06:59

Show him this thread.

But actually he wanted to bully your DD and then he spent all night bullying you into behaving how he wants. This isnt a positive or normal relationship.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/01/2018 07:00

telkl your health visitor. that is seriously worrying. your way is wonderful...

Labradoodliedoodoo · 16/01/2018 07:00

ANy differences in parenting should be chatted over nicely!

Bowerbird5 · 16/01/2018 07:05

Is that how he was brought up?I bet it was. Could you have a visit from the health visitor and make sure he is there?Let someone else tell him. He is more likely to listen to someone else.

Velvetbee · 16/01/2018 07:05

Screaming at a toddler will hugely damage them. Would your HV be able to point him at parenting classes? He sounds horrible.

speakout · 16/01/2018 07:09

OP your OH is bullying you and your child.

This is a toxic environment for you both.

Can you see that?

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/01/2018 07:09

OP - I hope you're OK.

This looks like one of those threads where the OP comes on to complain about their other half, not quite appreciating how bad it really is, and just isn't ready for the (fully deserved) onslaught against their partner.

This isn't normal at all - not his behaviour to your little one, nor to you. Thanks

KayaG · 16/01/2018 07:13

I couldn't stay married to a bully.

SoupDragon · 16/01/2018 07:14

Read back all your other threads about your DH and view them through the eyes of an observer. What do they tell you?

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2018 07:25

Yep I recognise you too, he is now taking it out n your son. He is horrible leave him

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