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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to shout at my child

49 replies

melclaire1111 · 16/01/2018 06:39

Hubby and I can't seem to agree on how to discipline our 20 month old. He thinks that screaming and shouting at then until they're reduced to tears is the correct way, whereas I go for a softer approach and it's really upsetting me!

Last night DC and I were playing and as they were over excited DC grabbed my hair and started pulling quite harshly. I quickly untangled DC's hands and sternly said no and that they couldn't do that as it hurt mummy. All the time DH is sitting behind me swearing cos I haven't out DC on the floor and shouted at them. In his words i need to make them feel that they have done the worst thing in the world and make them sob! This feel unnecessarily harsh and I Don't want to go that way! He then spent all night telling me how I'm wrong how he expects me to do it his way next time or DC won't learn and will end up a spoilt brat!

So Aibu to not want to shout at my child and reduce them to tears?

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 16/01/2018 07:36

If you make your baby feel that they've done the worst thing in the world, and shout at them, they are going to end up with lifelong depression and self esteem issues. Don't do this, please don't.

Your partner is an idiot and a bully. And dangerous, too. You and your child both deserve better.

Callamia · 16/01/2018 07:47

You are entirely correct. You’re helping your child to learn in a gentle and warm way. All of the research on parenting indicates that warm and consistent parenting predicts the best outcomes in terms of behaviour and emotion. Harsh discipline, which includes shouting like that, is associated with increased difficulties.

You stand firm and carry on providing a good, stable and loving foundation for your child. Your husband needs to reconsider. His behaviour towards you and your child is hectoring and bullying. You do not need to tolerate it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/01/2018 07:52

Could you book into a parenting course together? I recommend Toddler Calm. It’s s half day and very gentle. It might make him understand his bullying approach is ineffective.

BanginChoons · 16/01/2018 07:54

So I've just read your previous posts op.

Your partner is not a nice person. I know you will be having a struggle going on in your head about how things were before and that he wasn't like it before the baby and maybe if you behaved differently or the baby behaved differently he wouldn't be this way, and maybe when dc is older the "Nice" him will return.

But this is the real him that you are seeing now. I'd like to show you this list.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

It sometimes takes a while to figure out what is really going on, when you are in it everything seems so confusing.

Wolfiefan · 16/01/2018 07:56

I recognise you too. This man is a bully who insults you ("retard"). Your child is so scared of him he cries if you leave him with his own father (you posted about separation anxiety).
He swears at you and wants to bully his small child and make him feel like shit in order to control his behaviour.
Why aren't you leaving?

BertieBotts · 16/01/2018 07:57

He sounds verbally abusive.

Shouting and screaming until a child cries is no better than hitting them. That's the effect he's going for, you realise?

Swearing at you is not a respectful relationship behaviour.

Swearing at you in front of your child who is presumably picking up language is appalling.

Berating you all evening because you did not kowtow to his way is controlling and abusive too.

None of this is acceptable! What do you get out of this relationship? It doesn't sound like he respects you or sees you as equally capable at all!

ShortandAnnoying · 16/01/2018 07:57

His approach is quite close to child abuse! I'm not saying if an over wrought parent screamed at a child occasionally after being pushed to their limit I would call it abuse, everyone has a bad day, but as a systematic approach to discipline it's quite disturbing. It's like saying what you do on your worst days parenting is the right thing to do. Like you might have the odd argument in a healthy marriage but if you have them all the time it's really unhealthy and you need to sort it out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/01/2018 07:58

I’ve just read your November thread. He sounds completely awful. No wonder he wants to verbally abuse your child given how he treats you. This isn’t just a clash of parenting styles. You and your little boy deserve better.

BertieBotts · 16/01/2018 08:12

Well... I wouldn't but I admit I was curious so I did look at your other threads, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid your description of your DC's extreme separation anxiety is exactly what my own DS went through at a similar age and I believe to be basically a response to this kind of parenting from his Dad :( I also thought that it was a normal phase but in hindsight being upset to that extent when you leave the room just for a few seconds isn't normal and points to something severely affecting the child.

Please don't be scared off by this thread and disappear. Lots of us have been there and we understand. It can be a process to disentangle from the idea that your partner might not be as wonderful as you once thought or that they are just misunderstood, but it can be freeing too. You don't have to make that change overnight but just let us know you are reading and thinking about it, and maybe looking at his behaviour in a somewhat more critical than accepting way.

You're worth more, I promise, everybody is. Nobody should have to put up with put downs and name calling and this kind of verbal bullying, it's not right. I wonder if you perhaps learned as a child yourself that this is normal or a variation of how men are - it doesn't have to be. You can rewrite that for yourself and your DC. It doesn't mean it is easy but it is very possible. My DS is 9 now and is very chilled and happy. His Dad, unfortunately, continues to be a very unhappy man - his choice. What do you want for your lives?

Gazelda · 16/01/2018 08:14

To answer your question, YANBU. I think that the way you handled the hair incident was perfect and in proportion. Your instincts were right.
Now, what do your instincts tell you about your DH?

Engorged · 16/01/2018 08:41

Your husband is acting like a bully. Does he like to shout at his colleagues too? Reduce juniours to tears?

Dont get me wrong, toddlers can push you a lot but your reaction was far better imo. Ive shouted before though, ds almost broke my nose and did give me a black eye with a head butt- i shouted as a reaction at him. I also screamed when he went to do something dangerous. And i swore a lot during some of the young baby sleep deprivation nights.

Shouting happens at one point to most parents but most parents tend to dislike or regret it. Not aim for it. Did this not come up before your dc was born? Does he have shouty parents?

Graceflorrick · 16/01/2018 08:44

I have a six year old that I have never raised my voice to. There’s absolutely no need to emotionally abuse a small child. YANBU.

YellowFlower201 · 16/01/2018 08:51

Yanbu - don't let him convince you otherwise. Your child must be terrified of him.

Oysterbabe · 16/01/2018 08:55

Yanbu. Shouting at a 20 month old will achieve nothing but frightening them. That's still an age where you praise the good and ignore the bad as much as possible. I have a just turned 2 year old and if my DH shouted at her until she cried I would hit the fucking roof, she's a baby.

LuchiMangsho · 16/01/2018 08:57

Listen. I am a fairly stern parent with a low threshold for bad behaviour. I would NEVER EVER shout at a baby/toddler (my 6 year old makes me lose my rag but again it’s a flash in the pan not designed to make him cry or humiliate him). That’s hugely emotionally and neurologically damaging.

But he sounds like a horrid man anyway. Ugh.

Deshasafraisy · 16/01/2018 08:57

He feels that intimidating and humiliating a 20 month old is the best way to parent?
This has warning signs all over it. I would get out now.

Sunnydays365 · 16/01/2018 09:48

20 months old is just a baby ffs! Stay away from him he's nuts. If he is like this now imagine how your child will be by the time they are starting school. Yes some parents do shout at their kids , I have shouted at mine when they've done something dangerous ie darting across the road, but not purposely shouted at them to make them cry. He's a bully, you and your child can do so.much better

BhajiAllTheWay · 16/01/2018 09:50

Who the hell bullies a 20 month old? Then starts on you. He's an abusive idiot. You deserve better and your child certainly does.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 16/01/2018 09:54

look for parenting classes. shouting is never the answer. I'/m a great believer in actions and consequences

Trashboat · 16/01/2018 10:02

Oh wow. What an absolute bully.

The baby is 1 year old.

He is happy to verbally abuse a 1 yo to the point of tears to make a point. To a baby.

What a twat.

Idontdowindows · 16/01/2018 11:36

Your partner is abusive to you and your child.

Please don't stay.

Snowysky20009 · 16/01/2018 11:46

Your dp sounds like a right charmer- not. Wtf is he going on about? Your child will end up fearing him his entire life if he keeps this up, and if you don't stand up to him, seeing you allow this to happen.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/01/2018 12:08

I hope to god you are a troll.

LagunaBubbles · 16/01/2018 12:29

Why are you with this abusive man?

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