To ask would you take young children to a funeral?

[LinkyPlease]

Just wondering what the general view is on taking a baby and a 4 yr old to a funeral. It's my granny's, she is 93 and has been given just a few weeks more in all likelihood.

For some reason my brain is processing this by trying to work out if I should bring my children to her funeral. She's had a lovely long life, so while people will be sad it won't be a sombre tragic occasion, more a celebration of a lovely life by all her descendents.

Of her children one (my uncle) thinks children probably shouldn't attend, whilst the other (my mum) is more inclined to think children should be included so as to demystify and so they don't worry and imagine all sorts of weird goings on.

I'm not sure. I'm tempted to say baby can come but 4 yr old might be whingy and potentially make a scene by being bored. She's pretty well behaved compared to most 4 yr olds... but she is 4! Family we haven't seen for years will be there, and I'd like my daughter to meet them. But using a funeral as an excuse to show off my lovely children doesn't seem right.

Please don't flame me. I'm just wondering how many people think no and how many yes

TIA

[Bexter801]

When my kids were 7 and 4,their dad died,I agonized,whether I should take them Or not(would they be angry in later years,should they get to say goodbye,etc) Anyway,after thinking about it,over and over again,I decided not to bring them,but instead brought them to the afters,in the pub,and his family home,where there was a good vibe,nice chats/stories. Personally,I don't think kids need to be at funerals,too young for them to understand.

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

I think it is much to do with how the child copes when you are upset, or seeing others upset. If they can handle that bit, they will probably be okay.

DGS (5) had to attend 2 family funerals in 3 weeks, and was a trooper both times. Very proud to be dressed up in a suit, and totally understood what was happening and how sad people were. His parents spent a lot of time explaining it all before hand, and answered all of his questions. He made us all very proud.

For weeks afterwards, he would tentatively ask me "Are you still crying?" - and mostly, I was.

My condolences, OP.

[BackBoiler]

At my nans I left DS (about 1 1/2 at the time) with DH and then he brought DS to the wake afterwards.

[BackBoiler]

If it was a sibling, parent or someone involved in every day life etc though I think it would be good for the 4 year old to process why they won't see that person again.

[Lovelylovelyladies]

Yes I have taken my young children to funerals. They brighten up the day.

[Gazelda]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. It very much depends on several variables.
I know that I wouldn't have wanted my dd to come to my GM funeral last year. I was a mess emotionally, and wouldn't have wanted her to see me that way. I wouldn't have wanted to have to keep my emotions in check to avoid her seeing me distraught.
I do think though that she is now at a suitable age (9) to attend a distant relatives funeral if it were in school holidays. I think she could understand the concept, be sensitive to the sadness.
I don't think that keeping children away from funerals damages them. A time will come when they will attend their first funeral, and it will probably be upsetting.
I spoke to my dd after my GM died, and again on the morning of and after the funeral. She didn't have to attend to understand the sadness and the celebration of life.

[mrsm12]

Sorry for your bad news op.
I took my 4 year old to fils funeral last year, my parents met us at the church with him so he didnt see the coffin before it was closed, they sat a few rows behind at the edge and took him to the toilet when needed. He was so good, think he realised the importance of sitting quiet, he held his grannys hand (mil) walking out of the church and she wanted him there but left decision with us ultimately. My parents took him away and collected my other two (2,2) while we were at the cremation and then met us at pub where all 3 got spoilt rotten and fed crazy amounts of chocolate by relatives. He was very close to fil so it helps when answering his questions on where he is now. Fil death was unexpected and we are in ireland so didnt have much deliberation time. Its a tough decision.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

When my sibling died I made it known that small children would not be welcome at the service.

When my grandmother died, my mother and her siblings had to ask my cousin to leave my aunt's house as they were letting their toddler roam about being a nuisance and putting their sticky hands on things prior to the rosary reading.

And you cannot possibly know how sombre a funeral is going to be until you're there.

[FuzzyCustard]

"Would I expect to tell people what they can talk about at the wake?" Well of course not (and pedantically, the wake is before the funeral so not what we are talking about here)...but would you care that your actions might have been extremely upsetting to the daughter of the deceased?

And I think that's what it's about really - not about "can my child behave and should they be there?" but "what do the people closest to the deceased want and how do they feel about my decision?"

[Megs4x3]

I see what you are saying, FuzzyCustard, but as a daughter who buried a parent recently, I was also thinking 'what does everyone else need to do here?' I wasn't the only one saying goodbye and my grief and how I wanted to handle it wasn't more important than anyone else's. Others younger than I had just as close a relationship to grieve the loss of. Ideally, everyone in the family should be considered, I think.

[FuzzyCustard]

I considered my mother's grief to be the most important, probably followed by that of my sister and me. Honestly, not a 4 year old to whom it meant nothing.

I worry at the moment as I have a sick DH and I know that his family would take your view and small people (who I know do not know how to behave) would imagine they would be welcome at his funeral. I shall have to think of how to handle that if it all goes pear shaped, which is perhaps why I am thinking so much about it.

But we can agree to differ. I'm happy with that!

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I had no choice, had to take my 4 year old and my baby to a funeral in April 2017.
We talked a lot in advance to my 4 year old about what he would see and what would happen and that some people might be sad.

It was fine. He had lots of questions for a while after and I answered them as best I could. He was unscathed and very well behaved because I had laid the ground beforehand and he knew what to expect therefore how to behave.

People generally like little children at funerals, they bring not and a reminder that life continues on. My baby brought much comfort and had non stop cuddles all day. It was Fine, I would recommend having someone that can be there to help you though if you can. It alleviates the worry in case they do play up.

[Needmorehands]

Dh's lovely Grandma dies when DS2 was a couple of months old so he came to the funeral with me, drank his boob quietly and fell asleep for teh bulk of it. My mum had the older 2 (aged 2 and 4) and met us at the bunfight afterwards where they brightened people up brilliantly!

[ArcheryAnnie]

Aren't funerals public events that you can't stop someone from coming?

(I've had friends die who were estranged from their parents, but because they died intestate, their parents controlled the funeral and tried to exclude everyone that the deceased actually loved.)

[FuzzyCustard]

Still despairing at the number of people insisting their children have brightened up a funeral. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I know it wouldn't work for me and I can't be the only one. And I imagine that those who don't want to see kids running about (and look at how many people like a child free wedding as an example) aren't going to say. You'll only hear the positive feedback.

[Megs4x3]

Of course we can agree to disagree and I wasn't suggesting that a 4-year-old's grief was more important than yours. I was thinking more in terms of accommodating the adults. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. Badly behaved children are a different thing altogether and I would hope the parents would ask for and respect your wishes. Perhaps thats what is influencing me - I was asked my opinion and was able to suggest that chikdren come to the evening service and not the long one the next day. Everyone was able to arrange child care for the funeral and people who wanted to bring children came the previous evening and remained child free the next day. I know not everyone has that option. I do hope your DH gets better soon. (I think if I knew children could not behave I'd be much less ambivalent about saying that they needed to be kept away.)

[Deciduous]

Yes, wouldn't even be a question for us. But it's the norm in my family and culture/wider community. I've learned from MN that some others feel differently.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

fuzzycustard not everyone has someone to leave children with or can afford a baby sitter.
Are you saying I should have left my deeply grieving husband to travel 2 hours away by himself when he needed me because I might have offended someone else? It's quite selfish to decide your grief is more important than another's and that they should stay away no? surely you would only be going to the funeral of a very close friend or family member anyway?

[FuzzyCustard]

I'm not commenting on your circumstances ska, only on my own and on my own feelings.

Grief IS selfish.

[FuzzyCustard]

And thank you for the good wishes Megs

[savingmysanity]

I go to a lot of funerals through work (Elderly care). If you think your child can behave for what will likely be half an hour of sitting still I see no reason not to. As you said demystifying something that should not be a taboo can only be positive.

Side note: The nicest funeral I've ever been to was for a client who had 10 great grandchildren (spanning about 18 months to 9/10), the kids were a bit mithered about sitting down for so long for 5 minutes but it was nice to see the whole family come together to say goodbye.

[seven201]

I took my dd to my grandfathers when she was about 10 months. She was actually fine but I couldn't relax as I realised half way through her fire engine was in my bag and I was terrified it would start shouting about putting out fires. It didn't luckily. My sister brought her 5 1/2 and 3 year old. 5 1/2 fine, 3 year old (who is prone to some tantrums) had had a shit journey and was not in the mood for coming in. So he stayed outside and screamed with his father looking after him. Thing was the dad thought they were far enough away for the funeral not be able to hear but he was wrong! My sister went and got him and he was ok once in the room. My sister was very stressed though.

I personally like children at funerals, but if your uncle doesn't want them there then you should probably respect his wishes.

[PourMeAGlass]

At my Mums funeral, my then 5 and 10 year old, told me they were going, I could never have told them no. On the day, however my 10 year old DD couldn't go into the crematorium and went for a walk with her Dad, I went in with my 5 year old DS and honestly couldn't of got through it without him, he was my rock and so brave, braver than me.

If you want them there, let them

[YourVagesty]

I agree Fuzzy, those who feel the children haven't exactly 'brightened up their day' are hardly likely to voice their opinion.

I've talked about it before on MN but one of the most jaw dropping things i've experienced was at the funeral of a friend of mine who died of cancer in his early forties. Terrible. Anyway, some friends of his saw fit to bring their children to the funeral dressed as fairies and pirates. They let them run riot playing with their wands and cutlasses etc. They wanted to teach them some lesson about death not being a bad thing etc. I considered it one of the most selfish things i've ever seen but I never said anything. The day was disorienting enough without more upset.

[Branleuse]

At my nanas funeral, my mum got a lot of comfort from my 6 year old being there.