To ask would you take young children to a funeral?

[LinkyPlease]

Just wondering what the general view is on taking a baby and a 4 yr old to a funeral. It's my granny's, she is 93 and has been given just a few weeks more in all likelihood.

For some reason my brain is processing this by trying to work out if I should bring my children to her funeral. She's had a lovely long life, so while people will be sad it won't be a sombre tragic occasion, more a celebration of a lovely life by all her descendents.

Of her children one (my uncle) thinks children probably shouldn't attend, whilst the other (my mum) is more inclined to think children should be included so as to demystify and so they don't worry and imagine all sorts of weird goings on.

I'm not sure. I'm tempted to say baby can come but 4 yr old might be whingy and potentially make a scene by being bored. She's pretty well behaved compared to most 4 yr olds... but she is 4! Family we haven't seen for years will be there, and I'd like my daughter to meet them. But using a funeral as an excuse to show off my lovely children doesn't seem right.

Please don't flame me. I'm just wondering how many people think no and how many yes

TIA

[Gottagetmoving]

Everyone dies at some point. It's natural. If you would take your child to a wedding, then you can also take them to a funeral
If you think your child will be disruptive, then don't take them, but that's another issue.
I don't understand why people try to shield their child from something they have to come to terms with. It's not about your child if you don't take them, it's about you.
Children have to know that sad things happen, that death is natural and that we all get upset in varying degrees at times.
We increase fear of death in our children by hiding it from them and not allowing them to see emotions.

[Asheth]

I took my children at varying ages (from 6 months upwards) to all of my grandparents' funerals. These were very much 'celebrate a life' as well as mourn a death occasions.

I am glad they got the chance to say goodbye and be part of the family occasion, albeit a sad one. Yes, it meant they saw me cry but I think it's fine for children to know grownups feel sad sometimes and allows them to feel comfortable to express their own emotions.

For other mourners, and particularly the ones where there was a surviving grandparent, the presence of children was a real lift. I'll never forget my grandma holding my son on her lap, showing him off to her friends and then kissing him just before she had to follow her husband's coffin into the chapel and lots of people commented how helpful that was for her on a difficult day.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

Gottagetmoving sorry but I think that's nonsense. A funeral isn't the only way to say goodbye to someone.

A decision should be taken knowing the individual child. Recognising that a particular child might be distressed by a funeral service isn't the same thing as hiding them from grief. It's about being sensitive to that individual child's needs.

People don't only cry or talk about the deceased at the funeral you know!

[MargoLovebutter]

LinkyPlease condolences. In the circumstances you describe, yes I would and I have.

It is the celebration of the life of someone who lived for a long time and died in old age, like we all hope to.

I took mine to a few like this and it was fine. Young kids seem remarkably unfazed and it often helps add a light note for other people.

I wouldn't take a young child or even an older child to a funeral of someone who went before their time, if that makes sense, where people will be very distressed and it would be a harrowing occasion.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

No. Just no. Your uncle as a chief mourner has said no so actually what's right is to respect his wishes. It isn't an educational experience, and mourners don't need a positive distraction. Nor is it an appropriate setting to "show off" your children as others have suggested.

If there's one occasion when social expectations take precedence over your individual family unit it's a funeral.

I've had to stop whilst delivering a eulogy to ask someone to remove their child. Its just entirely inappropriate until the children are of an age where they understand expectations and reasons for them. Nothing to do with shielding them.

[MargoLovebutter]

Why do the thoughts of OP's uncle take precedence over OP's mum AlonsosLeftPinky?

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

Because one is likely to cause upset and pain, the other is not.

[Hillingdon]

I agree with others that its tricky. Of course everyone says that they will take out at the slightest noise but really do people?

I have been to weddings that have been drowned out and ruined by people who stick themselves as close as possible to the front so that child can see things and then make a big fuss and become noisy about having to take them out but not before they have shouted out, run behind the bride and left a muddy footprint on her train etc. Parents did apologise but in a 'well he is only 2 and half sort of way'.

So I wouldn't take either of them tbh

[FuzzyCustard]

I wouldn't. Your granny may be old but she's roughly the same age as my mum, who probably won't live a great deal longer either. However long and productive their life, the sadness felt at their passing is just as keen and not something a 4 year old could understand. Other relatives and friends will be upset and the presence of a small child (who won't remember, and honestly, probably won't care) who could be noisy or disruptive isn't fair.

You could take the children to any reception afterwards, but always be prepared to leave if they get too "lively".

[HouseworkIsASin10]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't purposely put a 4yr old child around sadness & misery.

Personally at around 7 or 8 they would understand more.

[HappyLollipop]

Sorry for your loss I think 4 is a good age to introduce the concept of death without scaring them, it's hard but it's a part life.

[Tapandgo]

No ~ I don’t think children at 4 need experience of funerals in their lives at all.

[FuzzyCustard]

I'm a bit amazed at the idea that children can "bring a light note" into a funeral. A funeral is to mourn the deceased (of whatever age, that bit is immaterial) and any kind of lightness may not be wanted or welcomed. Someone loved has died - it is right to be sad and to express that sadness, and a tot bouncing around singing the latest pop song or rhyme from nursery could be wholly inappropriate. I know I would have hated it at my father's funeral.

Enjoy children at a different occasion if that is your wont.

[Megs4x3]

So sorry to hear about your granny. As to your question I think it depends on the child(ren) and what kind of relationship they had with her, if any. At a recent family funeral, it was asked that no children come to the funeral as it was a lengthy church service. The saving grace was that there was a short service the evening before when the coffin was received into the church and parents who wanted to bring children brought them to that. It's not always an option though. Many years ago I took 2 under-10's to the funeral of a dear friend, in the main because I had no-one to leave them with and they were well-behaved so it was fine. When they were quite a bit older a relative died and pressure was put on them to go to the funeral - not by me - and I was annoyed because I think that was inappropriate. The issue might be with tiny ones who don't understand what's going on and get fidgety and bored. It's all rather a personal decision depending on circumstances with no right or wrong answer.

[cowatthegate]

My mum wants mine at her funeral , but they’ll be 5 months and 2.5 at the time probably so I’ll make a judgement call myself on that one, not like she’ll have a say in it haha!

[MargoLovebutter]

Fuzzy, I think I said that, or something similar.

It is undoubtedly sad when you lose someone, but when they are 93 and had a long life, a funeral can be a celebration of their long life, rather than a terribly distressing event because someone has gone before their time.

I've been to a number of funerals and those for the long-lived are usually positive events, where people can say goodbye and recognise that it was that person's time to go and they had a good innings.

I've also been to funerals for teenagers and younger adults and they have been heart-rending occasions, where it was nearly impossible to find consolation.

So at funerals for grannys & grandpas who've lived to a ripe old age, it can be nice to have 3rd or 4th generation little ones there, who may be bright & full of life and can help people feel that life goes on.

I'm probably making a pigs ear of trying to explain this but hopefully you can see what I mean.

[MargoLovebutter]

Fuzzy, I think I said that, or something similar.

It is undoubtedly sad when you lose someone, but when they are 93 and had a long life, a funeral can be a celebration of their long life, rather than a terribly distressing event because someone has gone before their time.

I've been to a number of funerals and those for the long-lived are usually positive events, where people can say goodbye and recognise that it was that person's time to go and they had a good innings.

I've also been to funerals for teenagers and younger adults and they have been heart-rending occasions, where it was nearly impossible to find consolation.

So at funerals for grannys & grandpas who've lived to a ripe old age, it can be nice to have 3rd or 4th generation little ones there, who may be bright & full of life and can help people feel that life goes on.

I'm probably making a pigs ear of trying to explain this but hopefully you can see what I mean.

[FuzzyCustard]

margo I do see what you are saying but as I posted upthread my mum is over 90 and not in the greatest of health. One might assume she is not long for this world. However, when she dies I shall still be extremely upset at the loss of my lovely mum, despite the fact that I am a grandmother myself. That relationship is what it is regardless of age. People less close to her might well (and rightly to an extent)celebrate her long life and numerous achievements, I shall be howling at the loss of a much loved mum who has been there for me throughout my life.

And although I love my grandchildren, I would not want them making any kind of noise or disruption at her funeral, or making it about them, or having to focus on them when I am spending an afternoon (and that's all a funeral is) going through the important ritual of the formal saying goodbye.

I'd probably love to see them the day afterwards for some "light relief" but no, not at the funeral itself.

[Gottagetmoving]

Gottagetmoving sorry but I think that's nonsense. A funeral isn't the only way to say goodbye to someone
I know it's not the only way...but in our culture most people have funerals. The type of funeral can differ but it's a way for family and loved ones to gather together for the farewell.
It's because it's all hushed around children that we grow up thinking death is so horrible and something to avoid talking about.
Why do people only want children to be involved in the happy celebrations? Why do we fear our children being exposed to emotions that are difficult?
I know adults who get hysterical about the thought of anyone dying. They can't cope with it. I think they have learned that from being shielded by their families in their childhood.
If you can't support or explain things to your children before or during a funeral or you are the kind of person who gets hysterical, then ok, don't take them.
I wouldn't force anyone to take a child if they don't want to but I think it's sad we aren't prepared to allow children to be a part of the ritual, especially if they want to.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

Gottagetmoving I think your thinking is a bit black and white.

As someone who is bereaved and currently deciding whether to it's appropriate for my DC to attend the funeral of someone they loved, based on what's best for them I certainly don't appreciate being told that you know my reasoning better than me, that I'm making the decisions for selfish reasons, or because I may be hysterical or because I'm trying to hide the concept of death from them.

It's an interesting and valid point in the abstract - do we shield DC from death too much? What difference would it make if children were expected at funerals? etc

But on a thread where actual bereaved people are making real life decisions about whether to take real life bereaved children to a funeral, I think it's insensitive to make such negative, sweeping statements.

My reasons for not taking my children to the funeral are my own, made with the children's interests first and not for any of the reasons you list.

[Megs4x3]

'And although I love my grandchildren, I would not want them making any kind of noise or disruption at her funeral, or making it about them, or having to focus on them when I am spending an afternoon (and that's all a funeral is) going through the important ritual of the formal saying goodbye.

I'd probably love to see them the day afterwards for some "light relief" but no, not at the funeral itself.'

But the funeral isn't just about you either, it's for all of your Mum's family and friends, including grandchildren. Everyone present is 'going through the formal ritual' even if they are children who don't really understand what's going on but are accompanying their parents. Will you be telling people what they can and cannot talk about at the wake? Surely not.

[Gottagetmoving]

I certainly don't appreciate being told that you know my reasoning better than me, that I'm making the decisions for selfish reasons, or because I may be hysterical or because I'm trying to hide the concept of death from them

I was talking in general about our society,not to you personally. I don't know your personal reasoning as you point out.
I am sorry for your loss.

[chewiecat]

Hmm In some cultures, eg Chinese all the grandchildren will be expected to attend . Especially if the grandparent is that old

Great grandchildren will wear red as it's seen as a 'Lucky' thing that the deceased lived long enough to have great gc.

[Chathamhouserules]

It depends on child and if they can sit still etc. But I'd say take them. It will be a chance for the whole family to say bye. I also think having someone from the next generation is a nice reminder of how your grandma will live on in the lives of her descendants.
I took ds5 to my mums and I'm glad that I did. It would have felt strange to celebrate her life without such important members of her family there.