To ask would you take young children to a funeral?

[LinkyPlease]

Just wondering what the general view is on taking a baby and a 4 yr old to a funeral. It's my granny's, she is 93 and has been given just a few weeks more in all likelihood.

For some reason my brain is processing this by trying to work out if I should bring my children to her funeral. She's had a lovely long life, so while people will be sad it won't be a sombre tragic occasion, more a celebration of a lovely life by all her descendents.

Of her children one (my uncle) thinks children probably shouldn't attend, whilst the other (my mum) is more inclined to think children should be included so as to demystify and so they don't worry and imagine all sorts of weird goings on.

I'm not sure. I'm tempted to say baby can come but 4 yr old might be whingy and potentially make a scene by being bored. She's pretty well behaved compared to most 4 yr olds... but she is 4! Family we haven't seen for years will be there, and I'd like my daughter to meet them. But using a funeral as an excuse to show off my lovely children doesn't seem right.

Please don't flame me. I'm just wondering how many people think no and how many yes

TIA

[joystir59]

Why isn't it possible to grieve and mourn in the presence of children? How will they be able to express grief if they don't see you doing so?

[joystir59]

My dear grandad died when I was six and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. No adult even spoke to me about him dying, I was told by my older brother who wanted to upset me. I felt in a vacuum with my sorrow, and cut off from an important experience that mattered to me.

[ShotsFired]

@LinkyPlease My grandad died when I was about 5. I was the only one not allowed to go to the funeral (got packed off to a random aunty on the other side of the family).

I still resent it to this day.

Logically I know it was done for kind reasons, but I felt like I was being (inexplicably) punished. And when I got picked up after everyone was sad and I felt even more out of place.

Take the children, let them be part of life and death. I never got my goodbye.

[ImogenTubbs]

I took DD to DH's Nan's funeral when she was about one. We had specifically been asked to bring her great grandchildren and she had loved them and children generally.

Last year my uncle passed away and I decided not to take DD (3 at the time) even though he also loved children and no one would have minded. My thinking was that if he had been someone who was a real part of her life and she had a real relationship with I might have taken her so she could understand that that person wasn't there anymore. But they had only met a handful of times and in the end she would be upset at seeing my uncle's granddaughters (who she does know) upset and her questions could cause disruption for those closest to him. However his grandchildren were there - so I don't think what you are considering would be at all inappropriate.

So, it depends!

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

I have taken my DD to all family funerals,I feel it is important for her to know that people are sad and that we have a burial/cremation to say goodbye.

[thethoughtfox]

You know your child. You said the four year old would be whingy and could disrupt things for the other mourners so don't take them if you don't need to. If it's someone they really loved, talk to them and offer them the choice.

[RandomUsernameHere]

Sorry to hear about your Granny OP. When my DGranny died (at the same age as yours) I took my 2 year old DCs and my cousin took her newborn and it was fine.

[MrsHathaway]

Mine were very curious about death at that age but also totally oblivious to the emotions surrounding it.

Yes, I think this sums up my experience as well. We had a recent loss here and the 4yo has basically shrugged it off after a week, the 6yo was tearful for a similar period, and it still wakes the 9yo up in sobs.

But not the 4 year old. She may be distressed by the sadness but is too young to get comfort from the funeral IMO.

I think this is very astute. She will recognise that you are sad but not really understand why, and that's difficult to manage.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

We took DD to DF's funeral at 4, because she'd earned it by nearly farting him to death in the hospice. How he laughed! She was fine and behaved well. She understood her beloved Poppop had left his body behind, and he was still with her. Her 6 year old cousin was asked if she wanted to go: "Yeah, as long as they don't open the box".

[keepondreaming]

Always take mine, from a newborn upwards. I didn't take out of school unless a very close relative but if it wasn't term time, most certainly. For me, funerals are about celebrating the life the person who has passed and celebrating their legacy, the family they have created and left behind.
I'm sorry you're going through this op

[LinkyPlease]

Thanks so much for all your replies. A real range, and many more in the take-them group than I'd have thought.
I think taking them both to the wake is a very good idea, I hadn't thought of that - it's been a while since I've been to a funeral and I forgot the format, so that's a really helpful reminder.

I'll see how baby is on the day, feeds, naps etc, and make a call about him then. Might ask 4 yr old too. She very curious and asks lots of questions, about death particularly, i guess it is a very odd concept to grasp so maybe this will help her understand. I'm not very happy with her nursery giving her the message that jesus came back to life last Easter, I think that confused her as it went against the messages we'd given her about death being final. However that's another thread!

4 year old said she did want to visit her ggranny when I went to hospital last week even though I told her that ggranny was very poorly and sleepy, so maybe she'll decide to come given the option. And DP is on hand to whisk her straight out if needed, so maybe we'll have to be careful where we sit. I'd rather be nearer the front supporting my mum, and DD will want to sit near me, so I'll see what I can work out...

Thanks again for all your answers. It seems there is more to be lost by excluding her than lost by including her I think.

[Needmorechocolate]

I took my 4 DC to my grandmothers funeral (they were 6, 4, 2 and 6mths).

I think it depends on the children and the circumstances but it was definitely the right thing for us. My grandmother would have wanted them there and there were no objections from anyone else to them attending.

I also think it was especially important for the two eldest. My eldest in particular is incredibly sensitive and has an over active imagination - I think if he hadn’t have come with us then his idea of what was involved at a funeral would have been worse than the reality.

DC2 also since asked when we would have another funeral to celebrate her life because he thinks we should do it every year to remember her!

[BigusBumus]

Personally I think 4 is too young. I took my 9 year old son to my sisters funeral and he cried though it, as I did. But it was important as he had watched her dying for a few years and understood about ill health, death and sadness. I think that is too abstract a concept for a 4 year old.

[Trampire]

At 4 yrs old my dd's friend died, she was 4 too. Her Mum a close friend of mine.

3 months later unbelievably, my friend's second child died as well aged 2.5 years.

So sometimes we don't have a choice to explain death to a child. I know these circumstances aren't usual but at a very early age we decided not to shield my dcs from anything that is a 'normal' part of life - ie death and grieving.

When my dad died last year I wept openly and still openly in front of them. They give me hugs and bring me cups of tea in my wheat moments.


You can't just make sweeping statements like
"Children have no place at funerals"

[Trampire]

Wheat? Worst.

[BigBaboonBum]

Yes definitely, I think death is a part of life and shouldn’t be shielded from them. If they aren’t good at being quiet for longer periods then stay at the back with them

[crunchymint]

I think it might be fine to take them. But don't assume just because someone is very old that there still won't be some very upset people there. My mum was extremely upset when her mum died in her 90's. It is still a loss.

[UnitedKungdom]

I would.

[YourVagesty]

Sorry to hear this OP.

I would agree with others that it isn't really the done or not-done thing. There's no etiquette so it's whether you feel it would be appropriate or not.

I'd add to that a more general point though (not aimed so much at you OP as you sound sensible) but I loathe that self-centred approach some parents have, where they feel that the child can learn from the funeral. It's not an educational experience and it's not about your child! Grrr. Glad I got that off my chest

[isittheholidaysyet]

I would, for a family funeral.

To help anyone who's children aren't used to sitting through church services, or similar events...
Talk to them beforehand about what is going to happen.
Tell them they need to be quiet and whisper.
Take along snacks. It's a good idea to remove things out of crinkly packets and put them in a pot with a lid which is hard to knock over.
Take a drink in a non spill sippy cup or sports bottle. (They find it hard to speak when their mouths are full of food/drink)
Bring paper/colouring book and pens/paper.
Bring picture books.
Bring quiet toys.

[TheClaws]

If you think “Oh, I’ll just take out Jayydenn when he makes a noise,” it’s too late. You’ve made a mistake. Please don’t take your small children to a funeral if you can avoid it. It isn’t a teaching opportunity, nor a catching-up opportunity or a showing-off one. The mourners don’t care about your kids because the day is about the deceased - yes?

[Tiredmum100]

At my grandmothers funeral there was my dc 4 months and my cousins dc 3 months. Went to a funeral recently and there was a 18 month old there. No problems at either of them. A close family member died last year, my dc were 3&5 at the time, they didn't come. I didn't see the point to be honest. It was much easier without them. I went to my first funeral at 12. It was my grandfather's and I think by then I was ready for it.

[isittheholidaysyet]

I think that is the question claws

Is the day about the deceased, or about the mourners?
Can children be mourners?
What is the best way for a child to say goodbye to a beloved relative?


Like a pp I also help facilitate funerals at our church and it's really interesting to see that in my church, usually the funerals of non-churchgoers are child-free, and the funerals of churchgoers have some children. Usually just relatives of the deceased, but sometimes others as well.

This is not a thing with a set etiquette, it has to be up to the principle mourners to decide.

[GreenShadow]

Mixed opinions here - basically though all children - and families - are different so one size doesn't fit all.

When DM died the DC were 1 and 3. MiL looked after DS1 and then bought him along to the wake afterwards - nice for her to pay her condolences and for family to see DS. My Dh looked after DS2 in church but could take him out if required. Luckily he wasn't a problem.

We had the internment of her ashes a week or so later and that was just immediate family so both DC came to that but weren't really aware of what was going on. It was quite funny though as DS1 knew it was a bit weird and sad so reached up to take what he assumed was his dad's hand, only DH wasn't there as he couldn't take time off work so it was a funeral man's hand he took! A bit of a shock for both of them and lightened the mood a little!

But, from the other side, as a child myself I was given the choice if I wanted to attend my younger sisters funeral. I probably should have (I was 9 by then) but was scared and said 'no'.

[BarbarianMum]

^^Amen to this. Someone else's loss and grief is not on public display to assist your child's "learning journey" ffs.