To ask would you take young children to a funeral?

[LinkyPlease]

Just wondering what the general view is on taking a baby and a 4 yr old to a funeral. It's my granny's, she is 93 and has been given just a few weeks more in all likelihood.

For some reason my brain is processing this by trying to work out if I should bring my children to her funeral. She's had a lovely long life, so while people will be sad it won't be a sombre tragic occasion, more a celebration of a lovely life by all her descendents.

Of her children one (my uncle) thinks children probably shouldn't attend, whilst the other (my mum) is more inclined to think children should be included so as to demystify and so they don't worry and imagine all sorts of weird goings on.

I'm not sure. I'm tempted to say baby can come but 4 yr old might be whingy and potentially make a scene by being bored. She's pretty well behaved compared to most 4 yr olds... but she is 4! Family we haven't seen for years will be there, and I'd like my daughter to meet them. But using a funeral as an excuse to show off my lovely children doesn't seem right.

Please don't flame me. I'm just wondering how many people think no and how many yes

TIA

[Panicmode1]

My children (4,3 and babe in arms at the time) came to my grandmother's funeral but my husband was ready to take them out if necessary. All of my cousins also had their children - my grandmother was all about family and children and it was a lovely celebration of her life.

[BikeRunSki]

I had to take my 4 year old to a funeral about 18 months ago, because there was no one else who could look after her. She sat on the pew next to us and did some colouring. She was perfect.

We took DS to dh’s grandma’s funeral when he was 2. He is one of the eldest of that set of cousins. Through the service some of the others were taken out, and by he end/immediately afterwards all the walkers were kicking a little ball around the crematorium garden. FiL (the deceased’s son) said it really lifted his spirits to see the children playing as he came out.

There is no right or wrong answer to this, every child and every family is different, but I have only had positive experiences of taking very young children to funerals.

[KC225]

We didn't take our 5 year old high spirited twins to the funeral of FIL. It was a sudden death and most of the congregation were shocked and visibly upset. My MIL was distraught and looked to my DH emotional and physical support. It would have been so stressful ssshing the twins, worrying about them trying to run around or mis behaving. My SIL took niece and nephew. Nephew was also 5 and even though everything was explained began shouting 'No stop it, stop' as the coffin was lowered into the grave. An elderly Aunt hissed. 'Shut that child up' and it escalated later and caused a bit of a rift.

Some people will come on her an tell you that children should be there and you shouldn't hide death etc. We didn't hide it from the twins but we didn't feel it would be beneficial for them nor rhe other mourners. Later on we took them to the grave side, lit candles and left flowers (which will still do) we were able to answer their many , manny questions.

There is no right or wrong, you know your child better than we do but we felt the funeral wasn't the place to learn about death at the age.

I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

[dangermouseisace]

Sorry to hear about your Gran OP

I'd take them, especially if your 4 year old knew her great gran. I think it helps them understand about life and death and makes it less scary. Where I'm from a funeral is usually a celebration of the persons life, so is usually a positive way to say farewell. Young people's funerals are more upsetting, so I might avoid that, but your gran has got to a good age!

My kids went to a close relatives funeral when young. They cheered up the mourners and I think it made them much more understanding/less scared about death, and it also helped them understand what had happened to that relative.

[AuntieStella]

I would take babes in arms, and DC old enough to be reliably behaved in church because a) if you want to attend yourself, you don't want to miss parts/all of it because they need to be taken out and b) inappropriate shouting out can be distressing. This isn't the time or place to be making a point about putting up with toddler noise.

I would definitely take DC of any age to a wake.

[dimples76]

Sorry to hear about your Granny. If it can be done I think that the ideal is to have them at the wake but not the service. My son was 2 when my Dad died and that worked out well. At the crematorium I just wanted to focus on me and my siblings but afterwards it was lovely that my Dad's grandchildren were there. If it cannot be easily done then I would probably take to both.

I was 6 when I went to my first funeral (my Great Grandma's). I only have vague memories of it but they are happy.

[pullingmyhairout1]

Death is part of life and I firmly believe children should 'see' that side of life too. However, it does depend on the child, and you know your child best. ⚘

[Trampire]

I took my 4yr old and baby to a funeral, however it was a funeralof my friends 4yr old daughter and my friend had expressly asked for people to bring their children. Not many brought their dcs to the church but more had a partner bring them to the wake.

I did get questions about the coffin and what was in it etc but it opened up questions about death which was fine tbh.

I've attended a lot more funerals since. My dcs are teens now. If they're not very close to the deceased they come to the wake. Last year they attended the whole my Dads funeral. I was very upset but they both wanted to be there. In fact my ds said he couldn't imagine not being there.

In your case OP, I would say that if they could just attend the wake that could be a good compromise?

[Someoneasdumbasthis]

I wouldn't. We took 5 and 7 year old to Their Grampa's funeral and that was hard enough. I didn't take them to my Nana's funeral (their great grandmother). She was so special to me and I wanted to be able to grieve and mourn and be with my sisters aunts uncles together. Focus on how I was feeling and remembering my Nana. That's not possible with children in tow.

[MiniCooperLover]

No. We buried my lovely MIL recently and a friend looked after my 6 year old and his cousins nearby. It was just too upsetting and I wanted to be able to help my DH get through it and the thought of those small children seeing us all so upset was not good.

[IsabellaTruffle]

I wouldn't and didn't. We lost my grandmother last year and I have similar aged children and I left them at home. I thought my eldest would be quite upset and confused seeing so many sad faces on those he loves like his grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. and taking the baby would have made me distracted and stressed about keeping quiet, I felt more able to say my goodbyes without them. If I HAD to take them I'm sure I'd have managed but I wouldn't choose to. Would taking them just to the wake be an option?

[Situp]

I think it depends on how you will be.

I didnt take my kids to my dad's funeral as I was a total mess and didnt want them to see me losing control like that. The church was opposite my parent's house so DH stayed at the house with them and then we all went to the wake together. It was a very small funeral though with just 20 people there. We then had a memorial service a few weeks later.

Just see how you feel closer to the time. It is not about what is socially acceptable but what is best for you and your immediate family.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

Definitely take the baby - and sit by the door in case you need to leave. Afterwards let otger people cuddle her. Babies remind people of the circle of life at funerals and give hope and comfort IMO.

But not the 4 year old. She may be distressed by the sadness but us to young to get comfort from the funeral IMO. Arrange for her to have a nice day with someone else.

[sanasa]

Personally I don't think it's the right place for children.

[BarbarianMum]

I don't think there is one right answer. In terms of the 4 year old, i personally would be cautious - not just about behaviour during the service but also about chatty questions about what happens when you die, about what happens to your body etc. Mine were very curious about death at that ave but also totally oblivious to the emotions surrounding it.

[Oblomov18]

Depends on the service. And the child - how close they were to Granny. If child is well behaved take them. If child is there and restless,you must leave quickly. Simples.

[DearSergio]

I took my then 4 yr old dd to my GM funeral a few years ago, she was happy to sit still and it wasn't a long service thankgod. Several people said afterwards how nice it was to have a child there, to show how life does go on and that there is a positive side on even dark days. My dd loved my GM and it wouldn't have felt right not letting her be there, she now - at 11 - has a good understanding of death and wasn't traumatised at all.

[LadyBunnysWig]

I would probably ask someone to watch DC and meet us wherever the wake was. So the children can still 'be involved' and still be around their loved ones.

[LadyBunnysWig]

I wouldn't take my 1 year old as he is too wiggly and wanting to explore everywhere. He's be pulling the hair of the people in front of my, trying to crawl over my shoulder etc. I wouldn't get to appreciate the service

[juliesaway]

You could get someone to care for them and then bring them to the wake afterwards.
People do tend to involve kids in funerals now as long as it is age appropriate and the kids are properly prepared. Individual circumstances will dictate the right thing to do too. A friend had a funeral a good few years back of someone in their family who had tragically died leaving small children behond. The kids were involved and attended the funeral service some of which was aimed at and dedicated specifically to them. However they didn’t go to the burial as other adults judged this would be too upsetting. they went instead straight to the wake.

[joystir59]

Take your children. Death is part of life and a key emotional event in all families. They should grow up experiencing this.

[Figmentofmyimagination]

For some reason, reading this thread reminded me of seamus Heaney's heartbreaking poem, Mid Term Break -
Here it is -
www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/57041/mid-term-break

I would only take a young child to a funeral if it was necessary or something I knew the deceased wanted. It depends on the context eg the age and manner of death and relationship to the dead person.

[FlouncyDoves]

I’d take them. They’re family. Your GM is 93, so you’d expect her to go soon. Death is part of life, so the other mourners can just get on with it.

[Branleuse]

i took my children to my grandmothers funeral. Its totally appropriate for a close family member, but usually not appropriate for anyone else

[meredintofpandiculation]

I took my 14 month to my mother's funeral, and as chief mourners there was no question of sitting at the back ready to make a quick exit. No question in my mind as to whether he had a place there; I was only worried about whether people would mind that I took a drink in for him. He behaved beautifully, sat in place, didn't utter a sound. Branleuse is right - it does depend on whether it's a family funeral or someone else's.

Overall, it's difficult, My mother had the whole go-to-see-the-body, children go to funerals experience and as a result protected me from it; I feel bad that I wasn't able to see my gran and grandad so have swung back the other way.