To ask would you take young children to a funeral?

[LinkyPlease]

Just wondering what the general view is on taking a baby and a 4 yr old to a funeral. It's my granny's, she is 93 and has been given just a few weeks more in all likelihood.

For some reason my brain is processing this by trying to work out if I should bring my children to her funeral. She's had a lovely long life, so while people will be sad it won't be a sombre tragic occasion, more a celebration of a lovely life by all her descendents.

Of her children one (my uncle) thinks children probably shouldn't attend, whilst the other (my mum) is more inclined to think children should be included so as to demystify and so they don't worry and imagine all sorts of weird goings on.

I'm not sure. I'm tempted to say baby can come but 4 yr old might be whingy and potentially make a scene by being bored. She's pretty well behaved compared to most 4 yr olds... but she is 4! Family we haven't seen for years will be there, and I'd like my daughter to meet them. But using a funeral as an excuse to show off my lovely children doesn't seem right.

Please don't flame me. I'm just wondering how many people think no and how many yes

TIA

[Idontdowindows]

I think you should. It's part of life. They're part of the family.

It's normal where I am for all ages to attend. And nobody cares if there's a fussy child or a noisy baby. That's what happens when families get together.

[pixieg1rl]

I took DS (6) to my MIL's funeral last month. I wasn't sure about it (I could see both sides and was genuinely undecided), but OH thought it would be good for him to come. DS coped OK for about 10 minutes and then got upset and he and I went and sat in the family room next to the chapel.
After the funeral both the director and the vicar said that it would have been ok to let him stay, but as far as I was concerned I removed him because it was upsetting to him rather than disturbing for those attending the funeral. He did continue to be upset when understood what a cremation entailed.

In the run up to the funeral I asked the same questions you are asking of my friends and most thought that taking a child of his age to a funeral was fine, as long as you thought the child could cope, so I suppose that's what I'm advising. From the beginning I made DS know that this was about saying goodbye to grandma, that people would be sad and that was OK because that just meant that they loved Grandma and were going to miss her, and that if he wanted to leave at any time then we would.

My only regret is that because I was looking after DS then I couldn't give as much support as I would have liked to to OH during what was an upsetting time for him.

[WFPB]

I wouldn't take a four year old. The quiet moments of reflection really do need to be quiet and I couldn't ensure my 4 yr old wouldn't chose that moment to ask a question or make a noise. I didn't go to my own mother's funeral when I was four.
Personally I would say 8+ and even then consider what is appropriate for that particular funeral and the individual child. I didn't take my 8 yr old to his step grandmother's funeral (they weren't close mainly due to distance) as I wanted to focus fully on supporting my father in what ever way possible. I did take him to his grandfather's funeral at 12 though - definitely old enough then.

[Momoftwoscallywags]

I didn't take either of mine to my FIL's funeral, one was 3 yrs and the other 5 months at the time.
My 3 year old just didn't understand what was going on and I thought it would be unfair on the other mourners who wanted to pay their respects to put up with a irritating 3 yr old who would never remember what happened/was going on anyway.
I did take them to the wake though.

My SIL asked her children if they wanted to go, both said yes but they were older, one was 8 yrs and the other was 6 yrs. The only thing I would say was that my MIL was immensely distracted at her husband's funeral because she keep asking if the kids were alright?
But now, 5 yrs on, my SIL kids are glad they went.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

My dses were 7, 5 and 3 when my dad died, and all three came to his funeral - but my lovely MIL came too, so there was one adult per child, and if necessary, she would have taken them out, so dh could stay with me.

The funeral service was a church one, and then there was a reception in a local pub, followed by the commital at the crematorium. We decided that it would not be appropriate for them to go to the crematorium part of things, so a neighbour kindly took MIL and the boys back to mum's house, where she looked after them whilst we went to the crem.

We made sure we'd talked to the boys beforehand about what was going to happen, and we were regular churchgoers at that point, so they had experience of being in church, and how to behave, so we were confident that they would be OK.

For me, it depends on the child - if you think they will be OK, and will be quiet enough, and if there is someone who can whisk them out if necessary, then I think it is fine to take them to the funeral. But if you aren't sure they will be able to behave, and if worrying about that would add to the stress of an already stressful and distressing day, then it may be better not to take them.

[user1485342611]

I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as you're prepared to take them outside if they become disruptive.
But I live in Ireland where funerals are usually held within a couple of days of a death, so people don't have much notice and often have to bring their children. It's a common sight at funerals here and its usually fine, as long as the parents know when it's time to remove them from the church.

[boydoggies]

With a family funeral, I would give the children the option to go. You can discuss it with the four year old in the weeks leading up to it. Funerals generally aren't scary environments and aren't always sad. It's a great way to introduce the subject of death and reduce the stigma and fear that so many in the UK are reluctant to discuss. Share the experience with your children if that is what they wish. Funerals can be beautiful. My children came with me to my dad's and grandparents funerals. When family funerals occur, I will always give my children the option. They are now, 10, 8, 6.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I'm sorry about your granny

It depends on the child. If you think she can sit quietly then fine, if there's a chance that she'll get bored and disruptive then no. It's all very well to say take a child out, but by the time it gets to that stage it can be too late. I wouldn't have wanted children at DM's funeral for that reason.

It also depends on how she will be seeing people upset. Just because a person is old doesn't mean people won't be upset at the funeral (tbh I've only come across this on MN). I sobbed through DM's funeral. Just because she was 86 didn't make it less upsetting for me.

When the time comes, I hope it goes as well as these things can.

[HannaSolo]

For those saying something along the lines of "never, it's not an educational opportunity and it's disrespectful" I think it wholly comes back to the nature of the funeral and the relationships with the deceased.

I've experienced two type of funerals. The first is the death of much loved, but aged relatives.

Their passing was sad but not wholly unexpected. The tone of the funerals was as much a celebration of a long life, lived well as a mark of respect at their passing.

The other is the totally unexpected death of someone in their prime where the utter devastation, grief and sense of loss was understandably overwhelming for the nearest of kin.

I'd happily take children to the former (and have done so) but not to the latter unless the children had a very direct relationship with the deceased. In this case I think it would have the potential to be disrespectful to the immediate next of kin and very distressing to a small child.

My own parents and PIL were keen to have children at the funerals of their aged parents. They both felt along similar lines that it helped support and comfort them - seeing their grandchildren and the "circle of life". It was nice for cousins, Aunts/Uncles to meeting new children in the family, acknowledging the family bond that the deceased was fundamental to providing. These weren't services full of highly distressed mourners - sad yes of course but family who had come to terms with a "natural" loss.

This (as is the case with the OP) is not an inappropriate situation to include a child so long as the nearest of kin are in agreement and you plan to be respectful by leaving the service if the children can't be quiet.

[Dustysparrow]

I think it totally depends on the child for two reasons, 1 - will the child be traumatised or distressed by the funeral and 2 - can you trust the child to sit quietly throughout?

I wouldn't take my (nearly 9 yr old) DD to a funeral unless I absolutely had to because she is so sensitive I know it would probably really affect her in a very negative way, she would get very upset and after the event go over and over it in her mind, probably not sleep well etc. However there are probably plenty of children who are much more resilient and wouldn't be affected like this.

[QuizzlyBear]

Personally I'd say no. When young children are present, people are naturally going to censor their grief and hold in their emotions so they don't upset or disturb the kids - which isn't fair on them. Funerals are the time to express emotion IMO and it's not really about the kids' experience of death.

[Buxbaum]

If it were me (and this is totally based on my knowledge of my own children) I would take the small baby to the church / crem but not my 4yo. I would take both to the wake, however.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I took a four year old to a funeral - I didn't even know it was a done thing ever not to. He was absolutely fine, sat through it quietly, even though he was the only child there.

Sit at the back, ready to leave the second they kick off, if they do kick off, though.

[OhCalamity]

I'm Irish so it's usually only toddlers who'd be left at home and babes in arms and older children capable of sitting quietly that usually attend.

FIL died suddenly last year, but I brought DS who was 5. I didn't bring him to the removal as it's 2-3 hrs of sitting and shaking hands, (plus if the coffin was going to be open I felt he was too young yet to see his GF's body - but it was closed so that dilemma didn't arise) DM brought him in at the end so we could walk behind the hearse to the church together. He attended the funeral the following day, plus the burial in the graveyard.

I explained clearly about death and what had happened to Grandad, and what happens at funerals and burials so he would know, and also told him that if he had questions to remember them in his head and to only ask me afterwards when we were on our own.

My handbag was filled with snacks, bottle of water, colouring pencils & mini colouring books, and other little toys that occupied him and his little 4yo cousin quietly in the pews.

They were perfectly behaved. If he'd been 2 or 3 and a bit more unpredictable I would have left him at home but he was close to his Grandad and it's important for him too to see the funeral rite that gives the family closure.

Afterwards, we read a couple of storybooks that deal with bereavement - Rabbityness and Badgers Parting Gifts that I think further helped process bereavement for him.

[MadRainbow]

Sorry to hear about your Granny

Personally wouldn't take a 4 year old, it may not be a particularly sombre affair but children that young are still aware and can be very strongly affected by the atmosphere/emotions around them. Can't think that a baby (especially under the age of 18 months) would be an issue unless they were in the more toddly/crawly stage or fussy.

In the end I suppose it depends on how well you know your children. I would never take my 4 year old DD but I know how sensitive she is.

[InDubiousBattle]

I wouldn't take my 4 year old, I just can't see a benefit really. He wouldn't fully understand what was going on but in trying to he would likely ask lots of questions during the service (even if we discussed it before hand). It would upset him to see people upset and I wouldn't want anyone to have to censor their grief on our account.

Also, when I have attended funerals it has been because I want to remember, celebrate and grieve too, I wouldn't want to have to leave if he played up. I wouldn't want to have to cart in a bag of snacks and drinks and bloody lego and worry that he's being quiet enough and focus on him being entertained.

[PistFump]

No i really don't think it helps personally. I've got 2 coming up for close family members and will not be taking my 7yo ds.

[JPduck]

Def child dependent. My daughter, just 5 went but only to the service. She sat drawing during the service.
Sorry for your loss💐

[Woulditbeworth]

Sorry, haven’t read all pps but wanted to share my experience.

I took my 3yr old and 1yr old to my wonderful Grandma’s funeral. She was so proud of being a Great Grandma and I felt like they should be part of this. My in-laws (who didn’t really know my dgm) were horrified and tried to talk me out of it but my family were really ok with it and they were the key people I needed to check with. I explained to my 3y ds that some people would be sad but that that was ok and tried to answer some of the questions I thought he might ask to avoid too many loud ‘whys...’ during the service. I had a back up as well, as dh agreed to take them to the back / outside if needed.

My Dad got tearful after his eulogy and my ds climbed on to his lap in silence and gave him the most wonderful cuddle.

Each to their own but I don’t regret taking them at all.

Thinking of you op. 💐

[Wixi]

I took my 3 year old DD to my gran's funeral, she was brilliant and stood between me and my DH and cuddled us both. She has also, at 7, been to my Mum (her gran's) funeral when she was upset but she knew Gran had died and would have been really upset if she couldn't have gone. We had no-one to leave her with anyway that wasn't at the funeral. She was fine.

[Mummybearcirca2011]

We didn't take our dc who were aged 3 and 5 last year to dfl's funeral service. They both knew Grandad had passed away but we felt it would be too much for them to see everyone crying and seeing the coffin. We sat down with a picture of Grandad and all said our goodbyes at home with the kids and that seemed to really help them. Sorry about your Nan. Xx

[Loyaultemelie]

I am taking my almost 3 year old and 7 year old to one today and my dsis is taking her 2 los.
For one we are each other's only child care and for the other our dfriend asked us to as did her dm as the deceased was a lovely cheerful person who loved children and was full of life. Interestingly everyone is requested to wear the deceased's favourite colour rather than black.

[maddiemookins16mum]

My two under three year old DGN's both came to their great grannie's funeral.
They were a little ray of sunshine on a very dark day and my mum loved them dearly. As long as someone can take them out if they get too noisy then it's fine imho.
After seeing my mum buried it was lovely to just stroke the face of my little toddler great nephew and be rewarded with a toothless smile and the offer of a of his soggy rich tea biscuit (I declined).

[Bluelady]

Snowy, that made me fill up.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

The baby but not the 4 year old.