AIBU in saying I've not had kids (possible trigger)

[Doesitgoto11]

So. I've put the trigger warning since actually if I were me then it could if that makes sense?

I had to go to late term pregnancy before miscarrying when I was late teens. Turns out as I'm approaching 40 that it was the only chance I ever had at being pregnant.

I've now had - for health reasons - a hysterectomy.

Bearing in mind what I had to go through that late on have I 'actually' had a child? To me I have. And I remember her birthday every year. It breaks my heart every year.

But to the rest of the world I'm a childless spinster.

I'm really not a parent am I? I'm just someone who has had a child? I don't have any of the experience or knowledge of the years that follow.

I'm a bit lost as to what I am really.

So sorry for your loss. Our first baby was stillborn and would have been 30 this year. We mark his birthday every year and I think of him most days. You are Rachel's mum.

“To me I have” this is all you need to remember.

Society doesn’t know how to recognise your struggles and desire to be a mother. It is very hard to be seen as something you are not. There is a support group you can join. They have weekend seminars and meet ups. You have to request to be a member. It is for all women, who are childless by circumstance. Perhaps it is something to consider to help with your pain. gateway-women.com/the-invisible-grief-of-the-childless-by-circumstance-woman/

Of course you are a mommy and always will be. If anyone asks, yes, you have a child that you lost to miscarriage. I believe we are reunited in heaven with our loved ones

You are a mother . You gave your darling Rachael all you could, and you love her with all your heart.

I know that I felt a mother to my children (two born and one lost) before they were born (lost). Carrying them changed more than my womb - I felt differently about the world from only weeks into their creation.

That guilt you feel (unjustified of course) about letting down your baby - this is absolutely characteristic of parenthood.

With everyone here - I am sorry for your loss and also for whatever has made you feel that you have to restrict your grief (or your expression of it) for your child. You are a mother and have suffered a great loss.

You are still young. I wish you many exciting and happy experiences in the time ahead of you.

Sorry for your loss.

I think it’s enntirely up to you how you see yourself and what you tell other people.

You are absolutely a mother. Sadly,you are a bereaved mother. A mother whose child Rachael is no longer here but is always loved and always remembered. If you want to share that or keep it to yourself is also absolutely your right and privilege.
I’m so sorry she hasn’t grown with you.

My mum is a mum of 3 daughters. My middle sister sadly died in utero very late on in my mums pregnancy and was stillborn. She still existed and my mum refers to herself as a mum of 3. The loss of my sister still makes my mum very sad when she thinks of it and she would have been 38yrs old now.

You are a bereaved mum and I am very sorry for your loss.

Yes you are a Mum to Rachel who is no longer with you. Whether you tell people about that is up to you.

I have two DS's who most people know about but also a firstborn who didnt live for long. Sometimes I dont want to get into the whys and wherefors so will say I have two children

You are a mother.
There is a heart rending/ touching/ wonderful statue by a Latvian (I think) artist that I have on my phone of a woman crying and a child trying to comfort her. The child is made from a clear material to make it clear the child has died.
Have you seen this? I am not religious but I believe that of course your child is "with" you as you carry thoughts and memories that others don't see. Your feelings of loss and regret are only too real and solid, much like the woman in the sculture. I find the statue distressing and comforting by turn when I consider my losses. Much love .

Sorry about your loss of Rachael.

I would recommend a blog called Dear Orla, written by a woman called Michelle who describes a very similar feeling of identifying with motherhood when there has been a baby loss. She's also a Clinical Psychologist.

I have not lost a child but I read it when my friend lost her baby at 6 weeks old. Of course, everyone's experiences of grief and loss are different but there are definitely common threads and it made me think a bit more about how my friend may be feeling, rather than trot out the same old cliches.

Sending you love and kindness.

My mil is mum to 3 children. Her adult sons and a baby, still born but classed as a miscarriage back in the 60's/70's.

IMO you are a mum. Just because you sadly didn't get to bring baby home from the hospital, it can't take away the fact that you were with child. It is the act of creating life and falling pregnant which makes people parents. The rest is fluff used by some people to justify why they are better parents than others.

Yes, absolutely.

You will always be that little baby's mammy. I'm so sorry that you didn't get more time to experience the things you mention, but that doesn't take being a mother away from you.

You are whatever your heart tells you you are. And you feel in your heart that you had a child and you're her mother. No one (no one decent) could take exception to that.

'I still feel that I let her down in some way.' You didn't. You just love her. Please, be kind to yourself.

Absolutely, you're Rachael's mum and always will be.

I miscarried my first in January last year and my second in May last year and they were both first trimester losses and I will do something to remember them.

I planted a Gentle Hermione rose for our first as we wanted to call our daughter Hermione and I made and painted a piece of pottery that sits on our piano for baby number two.

You will always be her mother.

Answer this - if you aren't a mum, then who is Rachael's mum? Obviously you are a mother. You are a great mum (I say this because you still care so much about your daughter, clearly), whose baby left this earth far too soon.

Did you know - astonishingly - that mothers can carry cells from the children they've carried? So your link with Rachel may still be physically there.

www.sciencenews.org/blog/growth-curve/children%E2%80%99s-cells-live-mothers

Oh, that's lovely.

Beautiful about the cells.

I'd consider you a mother.

I have a friend who lost 2 babies at the 12 week pregnancy mark. She desperately wanted them and now cannot have any more. She was planning for those babies, imagining life with them, buying clothes. Unfortunately HR was not supportive, but I (and any other sane person) considered her a mother.

I think, especially if a child is wanted, you change forever when you find out you are pregnant (or adopt etc). You start to think like a mother straight away and if you lose the baby you can't simply turn the 'mother' off. You were the mother of that baby.

I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps it might help if you could find a physical way to mark her death.