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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in saying I've not had kids (possible trigger)

72 replies

Doesitgoto11 · 15/01/2018 22:57

So. I've put the trigger warning since actually if I were me then it could if that makes sense?

I had to go to late term pregnancy before miscarrying when I was late teens. Turns out as I'm approaching 40 that it was the only chance I ever had at being pregnant.

I've now had - for health reasons - a hysterectomy.

Bearing in mind what I had to go through that late on have I 'actually' had a child? To me I have. And I remember her birthday every year. It breaks my heart every year.

But to the rest of the world I'm a childless spinster.

I'm really not a parent am I? I'm just someone who has had a child? I don't have any of the experience or knowledge of the years that follow.

I'm a bit lost as to what I am really.

OP posts:

FurCoatFurKnickers · 15/01/2018 23:51

You are, and always will be, a mother.

You may not have experienced the highs and lows of raising a child but you are no less a mother because of that.

I'm sorry for your loss

Original poster

Doesitgoto11 · 15/01/2018 23:59

@unicornthong her name was Rachael.

And I remember her every year, every October.

She'd have been in her twenties now ffs. I still feel that I let her down in some way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doesitgoto11 · 16/01/2018 00:03

Btw thank you, all of you, for helping me feel I'm not alone irrespective of length of time xx

OP posts:

AgathaMystery · 16/01/2018 00:03

You didn't let Rachael down. You grew her. You are her mum.

Theshipsong · 16/01/2018 00:03

You carried a little baby who didn't make it. She was your little baby so that makes you her mother.

What do you think you are? Maybe it depends on who you are talking to and how much you want them to know? I am sorry you lost your baby x

HellonHeels · 16/01/2018 00:03

You are a mum. I am so sorry for your loss You didn't fail your little girl, she just couldn't stay with you in the world.

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/01/2018 00:04

You have had a child. You haven’t mothered a child but you have been a mother. You didn’t let your girl down.

eastlondoner · 16/01/2018 00:10

This is definitely for you to define and no one else's opinion matters.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2018 00:10

@Doesitgoto11

I agree with @TheCrossKeys "You are a mum to a little girl who for her entire life knew nothing but love, security and warmth" (which I think is beautifully put).

" I still feel that I let her down in some way." You did not let Rachael down, you did your best and you need to stop feeling you let her down, because you did not.

I wonder if you have you had counselling for this, and whether it was helpful?

I know you describe yourself as a spinster and that is quite a negative term sometimes, when most would say 'single'.

Would you like to meet someone and be in a relationship or to be a mum?

I had a miscarriage very early on, I named the child (in my heart) because I believe he or she was a little person in the making. I also have a birth child and my youngest is a son we adopted.

I know you have now had a hysterectomy, do you think you may one day wish to adopt a child?

I think to be fair that you can describe yourself however you like, you can mention Rachael, or not as you feel is best.

Thinking of you.

HeelsHurt · 16/01/2018 00:18

You are a Mum. I have 3 children plus 2 lost children although both early on . Your post reminded me of a friend I had in my teens . We were both pregnant and due around the same time . Tragically her little girl was stillborn at 40 weeks . Via Facebook I know she has not had anymore children and we are both approaching 40. I always think of her little girl around her birthday and very much view my old friend as a mother but in very sad circumstances.

user1497863568 · 16/01/2018 00:22

I don't look at women without children as childless spinsters. Often they have excellent reasons.

DonttouchthatLarry · 16/01/2018 00:28

My mum had a stillborn baby 15 years before I was born - she always used to say things like 'your sister would have been 'x' years old' and I think if I hadn't come along she'd have still been a mother

Dontknowwherethelineis · 16/01/2018 00:29

You can choose to define yourself whichever way you wish to, but it seems from your Op that you don't feel you have 'the right' to call yourself a mother, or to say you had a child.
You had a daughter. That daughter had to have had a mother, and that mother was you. What a terrible thing you went through. No one in their right mind would deny you the right to recognise the child you gave birth to by describing yourself as her mother x

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/01/2018 00:33

Yes i agree with everyone else! I'm so sorry about your daughter...

That was beautifully put:

"You are a mum to a little girl who for her entire life knew nothing but love, security and warmth"

BlondeB83 · 16/01/2018 00:37

HipNewName · 16/01/2018 00:44

I'm so sorry for you loss. You were a parent, and you lost your child. I think that is the greatest loss anyone can experience.

A friend of mine who was in a similar circumstance decided to adopt as a single mother, and was very happy with that decision and enjoys her little girl very much. I'm not in any way suggesting that adopting will replace the sweet baby that you didn't get to raise, just pointing out that there is more than one way to become a parent. There's no shortage of children who need love.

MrsDilber · 16/01/2018 00:45

You are and, always will be, a mum x

StupidSlimyGit · 16/01/2018 00:52

If you think of yourself as a mom then you absolutely are one. I lost a DD in my late teens, I am her mom. You loved Rachael for all of her life and will for all of yours. That's what being a parent is about.

Slanetylor · 16/01/2018 01:01

I don't think there's any such thing as an Ex- mum. Once a mum, always a mum. xx

unicornthong · 16/01/2018 01:07

@Doesitgoto11

Rachael is a beautiful name, thank you for sharing your memories of her with us. She'll always be with you; if you're not her Mum, then who is?

Sullabylullaby · 16/01/2018 01:11

You are a Mum who lost her baby tragically.

Brokenbiscuit · 16/01/2018 01:13

Of course you had a child, and you were that child's mum. The fact that your child sadly didn't make it doesn't make that any less real. I'm sorry for your loss.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 16/01/2018 01:27

You're definitely a Mother OP...you had a heartbreaking loss but you're still a Mother. x

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2018 02:16

You are a mother, of course you are. Rachael is your daughter no matter what.

How you choose to describe yourself to other people is up to you.
I have living children but one of them is a twinless twin. Her sister died when I was pregnant with them. I named her Mary. I am her mum, she is my daughter, but only a few people know because I am still, 16 years later, struggling to talk about it. The right thing to do is what your heart tells you xx

LittlePaintBox · 16/01/2018 02:52

Of course you're a mother. Rachael happened, and you loved her while you were carrying her, and still love her.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

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