Was I right? DS doesn't think so.

[Fireandwaterfalls]

DS (16) has a solid group of friends. Known each other for ages, look out for each other, socialise a lot as a group.

They all talk to each other about everything and try to support each other with any problems.

He told me that one of them has been harming himself. He only told me because another parent found out and told me, and he filled in the details. This was not the parent of the boy involved. I do not know his family at all.

However, I work in the school the boy goes to. Under our safeguarding guidance, I raised it with the HT.

He was spoken to by her today, DS asked if I had said anything and I said I had. He was not happy at all and said he would not tell me anything in future. I explained why and said I was concerned.

Did I do the right thing? Will this ruin any trust in future?

Please be gentle, this was really upsetting for everyone involved.

Just wait it out wrt lines of communication with your DS.

He is the one who has shut them off.

Meanwhile, you and his dad need to sit him down and tell him the other parent who first contacted you had also heard about it, presumably from one or other of the friends, their son, and that all three adults who knew about it had realistic concerns and reacted in a completely responsible and reasonable way to what they were told.

Tell him that it is not reasonable for a group of teenage friends to try to deal with something like this on their own, and much as they might like to believe such a situation is 'under control' within the group, the fact that it is ongoing is proof that it is not.

I would not apologise. I wouldn't yell or rantr, but it's important for your DS to understand that there is a difference between someone smoking or drinking the odd beer and someone suffering from an emotional or mental disorder like self harm or using heroin, etc, and while it is understandable for a group of teens to get caught up in the inertia caused by groupthink, or loyalty, or simply ignorance about how serious the issue is, it is still irresponsible for an individual to feel this misplaced loyalty to such an extent that they threaten a parent with stopping communication once the cat is out of the bag. The reaction of the adults to the revelation should tell him that this was a serious matter. The fact that he won't admit this is a problem.

He and his friends made some poor decisions on how to deal with this, whether actively or by turning a blind eye, and he needs to hear that. Your DS needs to accept that there are situations that can be classed as 'the deep end' and that seeking to control situations is a problem. He needs to hear from you that you expect him to get over his need to control, his fear of how you might react, to learn to trust your judgement, and to talk about stuff with you.

You absolutely did the right thing passing it on through the school.

I'm a teacher but my sons are much younger. I think I may have told my son it wasn't me who had spoken to anyone.

bemused he asked me outright so I had to tell him. Didn't want to lie.

Rafals, it is the other boy who is in my school.

I have spoken to DS and he understands why I did it (still doesn't agree) and I told him I understand why he did not tell anyone too (until he had to). Hopefully we both have more of an understanding of each other, even though we see things differently.

Thanks to everyone for your comments, and to those who have been in this situation as teens.

You didn't have to tell him. Wanting be honest is your judgement call.

As a parent and teacher I lie daily. 99.999999% of the time for the benefit of the person I'm lying to.

Anyway, you were clearly in the right speaking to the Head. Anything else is fairly irrelevant considering the seriousness of the situation.