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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right? DS doesn't think so.

54 replies

Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 21:14

DS (16) has a solid group of friends. Known each other for ages, look out for each other, socialise a lot as a group.

They all talk to each other about everything and try to support each other with any problems.

He told me that one of them has been harming himself. He only told me because another parent found out and told me, and he filled in the details. This was not the parent of the boy involved. I do not know his family at all.

However, I work in the school the boy goes to. Under our safeguarding guidance, I raised it with the HT.

He was spoken to by her today, DS asked if I had said anything and I said I had. He was not happy at all and said he would not tell me anything in future. I explained why and said I was concerned.

Did I do the right thing? Will this ruin any trust in future?

Please be gentle, this was really upsetting for everyone involved.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 15/01/2018 22:04

Firecracker,

The legal responsibility that school staff have for safeguarding of pupils does not allow the OP to 'keep their child's trust'. It is quite simply not allowed.

Warning the child that she would have to pass the information on might have been the only thing that the OP COULD have done differently under current safeguarding rules for all schools.

Miranda15110 · 15/01/2018 22:18

You did the right thing both morally and legally. I'd have done exactly the same x

LML83 · 15/01/2018 22:24

You did the right thing.

Your ds probably knows this, he is just worried his friend will be annoyed he told an adult and he looses the friendship. When his friend gets the help he needs your son will be relieved or even grateful.

DailyMaileatmyshit · 15/01/2018 22:32

I have to say, I never did forgive the people who did the same with me. It made things a million times worse for me and led to me being homeless a few months later. The legal requirement doesn't always help.

Darkstar4855 · 15/01/2018 22:37

I think you did the right thing but you should have told your son first that you were going to do it and why so that he understood and was prepared.

scaryteacher · 15/01/2018 22:38

OP You could legitimately tell your ds that you were passing on the concerns raised by the other parent, and would have had to do so. You are grateful to him for filling in the gaps, but already knew that this was going on.

BadPolicy · 15/01/2018 22:47

I agree with DailyMaileatmyshit. At a similar age to your DS, I had a friend who self harmed. I approached a teacher for help and with no warning he took it further. All that meant was that I never trusted them again. When my friend continued to struggle I tried to find other ways to help.

And don't try to bullshit your DS with no choice, you followed the rules but of course you had a choice. You always have a choice.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/01/2018 22:51

Bit on the fence with this one. Part of the problem is that you were passing on hearsay. You have no direct knowledge that this child is self-harming, or how severely. I think if I heard something like that from my DC I would encourage my kid to encourage the other kid to get help.

But I appreciate that you work in the school and therefore are bound by the terms of your contract to report such concerns, as well.

Floralnomad · 15/01/2018 22:54

You may have done the right thing but I doubt your son will ever tell you anything in confidence again . I hope he doesn’t get side lined by the group as well .

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 22:56

OP just rest easy that you done the right thing.

Could you find some info on the internet or a website that will explain what your responsibilities are in this situation. You could ask your son to read them, so he knows why you had to do it.

Original poster
Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 23:01

bad policy I didn't say I had no choice. I said I was concerned about his friend.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 23:06

I have no opinion on whether you did the right thing, but I'm puzzled by people talking about 'taking it further to suicide'. Most people who self-harm aren't suicidal are they?

PerfectlyDone · 15/01/2018 23:06

Fire, you absolutely did the right thing - professionally and as a human being Thanks

Your DS will come to see this - in time. Maybe only when/if he has a teenager of his own, mind...
I think you have handled this really well, you have not lied to your DS and have explained your position. You may now need to leave it be and agree to disagree for the time being while stressing that you will always look out for those in your care. The example you're setting by doing the right thing even though it is hard and causing conflict is such an important one.

I hope you can keep lines of communication open with your DS.

PerfectlyDone · 15/01/2018 23:07

Most teenagers who self-harm by cutting do not go on to commit suicide, but many people who complete suicide have self-harmed prior to their final act.
So, raising concerns is so, so important.

Mxyzptlk · 15/01/2018 23:09

He only told me because another parent found out and told me, and he filled in the details.

So it sounds like you asked your DS about this? If so, you should have told him straight away that you would have to report it.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 15/01/2018 23:17

Unfortunately this is a downside to working in the same school as your child. It’s a bit of a minefield. I’m not sure explaining your responsibilities will help open lines of communication. It’s the fact you have those responsibilities that’s an issue and he’s well aware of them now.

Floral makes a good point though. If he figured out you told, then there’s a chance the other kids have too. You might need to watch out that he doesn’t end up being sidelined because the others break communication with him in the same way he is doing with you.

zzzzz · 15/01/2018 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LockedOutOfMN · 15/01/2018 23:21

I am a secondary teacher and DSL. You did the right thing, OP.

Andro · 15/01/2018 23:24

You did the right thing, it's just unfortunate that your DS could be the one to pay the price for it. Hopefully it doesn't go that way, but if it does then yes the damage to the trust between you will be significant.

Voice0fReason · 15/01/2018 23:29

You should have told him that you had to report it. You probably should have told him before you asked him to fill in the details. You could have reported your concerns without even involving your son.

You have broken his trust, regardless of your responsibilities. You need to acknowledge that with him and apologise for it.
Then you can go on to explain why you felt you had to report it.
It may take some time for him to trust you again.

okeydokeygirl · 15/01/2018 23:33

I agree this is not so straightforward as it might seem. The info was hearsay. Sadly young people can sometimes exaggerate about self harm. And those that are at serious risk often hide it. Also the person who was talking about it was own child and at home talking to mum and was not forewarned of duty of care to pass on the info. I really don't know what I would have done in this situation. It would probably have depended on what I actually knew as fact, what I understood the self harm to be and the extent,how well I knew the other child etc. A person who is self harming is not necessary suicidal but if the OP was.led to belive this was the case then yes she was probably right to report. . If in doubt about my legal position versus my obligations to my own child I might have run in past someone else anonymously or via Childline first and then warned my child about having to share. It is a tricky one though..OP. At the end of the day you did it for the right reason. You might just need to work out how you work it out with your DS. Maybe get the DSO at school to speak to him?

Megs4x3 · 15/01/2018 23:35

You didn't betray your son's trust, you acted on what the other parent told you. It would have been better if you'd explained what you needed to do before your son filled in the details but hindsight is a wonderful thing. It might help if you explain to your son, in time, that you would have been expected to report your concerns even without his additional details - and that at 16 he and his friends couldn't be sure that they had things under control. That's why there are procedures in place that the adults are expected to follow. I hope your son understands sooner rather than later.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2018 23:38

I think you meant well 💐 but I would have taken a different approach.

I wouldn’t have told, yet.

I would have spoken to DS to see what ‘under control’ actually meant.

I would have tried to get DS to understand that he needed to encourage his friends to get confidential help, and give him details of who to contact. If his parents finding out would cause huge issues, you need to tread carefully.

The person who told you could have contacted the school if they’d wanted to, it was unfair of them to lay this at your feet knowing your position.

It’s heresay, you weren’t obliged to report it and I think people need to be aware that going in all guns blazing often causes more problems than it fixes.

The boy is self harming, he wasn’t threatening suicide, there was no rush to report it without getting more information & trying to get the boy to get help himself.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/01/2018 23:40

Why didn't the other parent act on the information?

That is worrying.

zwellers · 15/01/2018 23:51

Why did the other parent tell you and not the school. You shouldn't have made it your problem. . You could have chosen not to tell your son you had said anything. You have put him in a very difficult position. Not only have you broken his trust but his friends may also now feel they can't talk to him in case it gets back to the school. How is supposed to trust you now.

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