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Original poster

Husband has literally just left... but what are these feelings

38 replies

Meetmeonamonday · 15/01/2018 20:45

Marriage in tatters and DH has just left to stay with a friend for a while. I know we are in a terrible place and we need a break and possible complete separation long term (who knows) however I feel really panicky now he's gone like the talk of a seperation and actually doing it are 2 different things. I thought I wanted this and am sure it's what is needed but why these feelings. Anyone on here who can relate from a similar situation?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 15/01/2018 20:47

When myself and dh decided it was over and he went to his mums, I was in bits. It was totally the right thing (we did work it out) but I was assailed with fears for the future, that I'd never have kids, that's I'd be alone

Homemenu1 · 15/01/2018 20:48

Yes totally, i think it change, fear and the unknown. Also grieving a relationship, but what I've found Is I'm almost grieving a concept (ie the family) rather than the reality of what's gone

Heartoffire · 15/01/2018 20:48

Didn’t want to read and pass by op. I have never been in your position but I guess your feelings are completely understandable. It must be very scary and upsetting Flowers lots of wiser people will post.

gamerchick · 15/01/2018 20:50

It’s a fear of stepping into the unknown, you’ll feel a bit rocky until you find your sea legs. Hang in there, call some pals up to distract you Flowers

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 15/01/2018 20:51

I am very sad, at the thought of what is to come more so. I just ant believe this is my life.

OP posts:
StarShapedWindow · 15/01/2018 21:02

This isn’t your life, your feeling like this right now because a big event has taken place. You need comfort, can you speak to your family or friend. Things always feel very strange when a change takes place, but it’s a fleeting feeling, it will feel different every day.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 21:05

Shock, fear of the unknown, the beginnings of grief because your life hasn't gone the way you hoped it would

Just go with the feelings. It will get better Flowers

TamzinGrey · 15/01/2018 21:05

Totally normal. I felt exactly the same with first H, and he was a complete bastard - it took me months to be 100% certain that I'd done the right thing. You're grieving for what might have been, and feeling naturally apprehensive about an unknown future. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 15/01/2018 21:05

Thank you, I think I'm going to call my mum. Not sure what to do with regards to telling the children

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 15/01/2018 21:14

Hi there,

Have been where you are. In the early days of separation I found taking each day as it comes was the way forward.

Good luck

MaidOfStars · 15/01/2018 21:19

Shock, adrenaline, panic. They are not feelings, they are physiological responses. I mean that gently, BTW, not to diminish.

Can you go for a walk? Or have a bath?

You need to ride it out for a bit, before you start to analyse.

AdoraBell · 15/01/2018 21:37

It’s completely normal. Take baby steps, make sure you eat something, even just toast if you can’t face a full meal, and stay hydrated. And cut yourself a lot of slack. As in don’t expect to bounce back immediately.

Talk to you friends/family, have a Brew and a bath.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 21:41

How old are the children? Where are they now?

Don't rush anything. You're in shock and you need to be gentle with yourself Flowers

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 15/01/2018 22:01

I have three children all under 5

OP posts:
streetlife70s · 15/01/2018 22:25

I have been there. The trick is to not look too far ahead. Not only do you ‘catastrphosise’ but the reality rarely matches the fear.

Whenever you feel shaky just turn your mind to the reasons why you have separated and believe it is for the best. Then think about what would help you get through the next 24 hours.

It gets easier every week. You get used to it, establish routines and discover positives. Also from my experience, the younger the children the better. They are far more able to adapt under 5. You can do this I promise. Flowers

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 22:26

Give yourself time to settle before you talk to the children, of course you can't leave it too long, but you've been through a massive shock to the system and you need to take care of yourself too.

Thinking of you Flowers

ButteredScone · 15/01/2018 22:29

Three under 5 is tough. Any marriage is going to have to work very hard. Do you think you can work it out?

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 15/01/2018 22:30

You are all so kind and have such helpful advice

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 15/01/2018 22:31

Your scared an worried, but there is one thing in this whole dilemma that has changed..

You no longer have to look after your man child.
Take time and be kind to yourself, if you need to keep the children home, call the school and just tell them there is a family emergency.
Sit and really take a look at your life as it was and work out what you need to change, and what you hated the most before this moment.

Changes is scarey, but it doesn't mean it's bad,

PerfectlyDone · 15/01/2018 22:52

I am 3 months down the line from where you are and can fully empathise with the feeling of panic and loss even if the decision to separate is the right one.

And I agree the answer is to take one day, one hour, one problem at a time.
I hope you have some support around you - it is a hideous thing to go through Thanks

letsdolunch321 · 16/01/2018 13:39

Hi there.

How are you feeling/the little people doing today?

x

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 16/01/2018 14:02

Hiya, thanks so much for asking. I set my alarm a little earlier today and got up to get all the kids ready for school and nursery as usually DH would help with this and drop 1 child off so it was a first for me doing it alone. We were ok and on time so I am pleased with myself for that. Older DC asked where daddy was and I just said he had already gone to work, that was accepted and no dramas there. Younger two didn't even notice or ask. I'm feeling mixed emotions, inwardly very low as I'm aware this is only the beginning. No contact from DH today. There is a part of me tho who is happy at the thought I am no longer responsible for the 'man child' which was actually quite an accurate representation from an above poster. I'm on auto pilot so far I think. Younger kids are home now so I am distracted. And this morning I had workmen here so no time or place for tears yet...

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 14:08

Even bad habits are hard to break. I do think you need to kind of "grieve" though, get it out of your system in order to be able to move on properly (although if this isn't permanent that's not really an option yet)

letsdolunch321 · 16/01/2018 16:49

Well done.

Give yourself a pat on the back for thinking in advance re setting the alarm earlier and getting the little ones to school/nursery on time. The little people sound lovely - give them plenty of cuddles and kisses I would mention at the older childs school of the separation just incase the little one seems upset at all - unlikely but better to have it covered as kids are very resilient from experience.

Guess now it is busy, busy preparing meals etc for the evening. No contact from DH is probably for the best, you don’t need mixed messages at the moment.

Treat yourself kindly and try to eat if you can.

Talk soon x

Original poster
Meetmeonamonday · 16/01/2018 19:44

Thank you so much, think I must have forgotten what it's like when people are kind to you and interested. I feel almost u worthy of a strangers comments and advice. Sad I know

Done dinner and put them all to bed, have got through this first day by being super organised but I know it won't always be like today, still shock I think.

We have a exchanged a txt or two mostly about the children and a comment about us needing this time.

OP posts: