CF Family

[SconesandCupcakes]

Hi, long time lurker here, this is my first post. More of a WWYD but posting here for traffic.
DH and I have just returned from a weekend at DMIL's as DMIL lives a 5 hour drive away we tend to visit other members of DH family when there.

This weekend we visited DH's nephew and wife, DH has a very close relationship with DN supported him through higher education, helped out with the deposit for his first house, often had him stay over during the school holidays etc etc.
Now around 3 years ago DN got married and had a baby, during this time they have stayed at our house 3 times (once a year) every time it is the same they expect to be waited on hand and foot to the extent they even left the baby's bottles for me to wash! During their visits DN wife makes many snide remarks about DH family and tries her best to stir trouble. She really is a nasty piece of work. After their last visit DH and I had a disagreement as I told him how I felt they took the piss and didn't want them to stay again, DH did not agree with this as already mentioned he has close relationship with DN and understandably doesn't want to ruin that. We agreed to disagree and moved on.
This weekend during our visit to DN they made their feelings about me quite clear. DH mother tongue is not English understandably when talking amongst themselves DH family all speak in their own language however when I am around they switch to English (which they all speak fluently) as I do not understand DH language very well. DN's wife refused to speak any English and DN only addressed me once in English when he asked what our holiday plans for the year are, as we have not planned anything yet I told him this and he proceeded to tell me when we have planned our holidays we can let them know as they will stay with us for their holiday (we live in a very touristy part of the country). CF beyond belief he didn't even ask if it was ok just informed us they would be staying, his wife then took over the conversation in DH language and handed a Christmas present to DH (now in DH family we all give family gifts, think voucher for a nice meal, cinema tickets etc) this gift was clearly not a family gift it was a book for DH written in his language which they know I cannot read, it was the ultimate slap in the face for me. I know I sound like a money grabber but really I am not, it was just that we have always exchanged family gifts and this year not only have they been really rude to me they also gave a gift clearly only for DH the gift tag was even addressed to just him!
DH was not happy with their treatment towards me and has decided he does not want them to stay at our house. Now here's the WWYD how does DH tell them this? I think he should tell them the truth but he thinks if he does this then the relationship with his DN will end which obviously he does not want but neither does he want them staying with us. So should DH tell the truth or make up some story about been very busy and not having time for a visit?
TIA for any advice given

Sorry just read that back and it's bit of an essay but didn't want to drip feed!

You made it quite clear at Christmas that you do not like dw so we think it would be best if you didn't visit this year as we would all feel uncomfortable

They have caused this - not you

He needs to tell them that their behaviour hurt both of you and that they expect you to be a maid while being rude to you in their own home. Refusing the speak English and deliberately speaking in a language that you do not speak is rude.

The truth. Always the truth.
It needn't be a big row.
Your DH has to tell DN they he felt dN and his wife hadn't gelled very well with you, and you'd both felt hurt as a result of them not treating you as part of the family. Which was a shame as you always make huge efforts to make them feel welcome at when they visit you. Maybe he could suggest there'd been a misunderstanding?
On any case, as you don't seem to be getting in very well, it's best they don't spend their holidays at your home. Perhaps you could all meet for lunch midway?

Personally I'd just say it's not convenient and the back off a bit rather than cause a rift.
YABBU about the way you feel - they sound incredibly rude

he proceeded to tell me when we have planned our holidays we can let them know as they will stay with us for their holiday
"Forget" to tell them. Don't raise the subject again.
If/when they raise it, say "oh, I didn't realise that it was a serious suggestion" (puts them on back foot) followed by the classic "that doesn't work for us".

I think he should tell them the truth but he thinks if he does this then the relationship with his DN will end
It doesn't say much for the relationship.

I also think you should tell them the truth. You could soften it with words like, "I am very disappointed..." But, only if you think they will be more likely to hear the true content. (Sometimes, less is more.)

Yep truth is the only way, how can he remain close to his nephew if he's lying to him and not telling him that he doesn't like how him and his wife have treated his wife?

Seems sad when a wonderful relationship needs to come to an end over the two wives not getting on.

Can’t the two men still see each other?

I don’t understand why, when they were expecting you to look after them you didn’t gently ask for their assistance?

Is it a cultural thing if they were your guest?

It’s a normal thing to say ‘ let me know when you are away and we will come out with those dates’ surely?

I really don’t think that’s offensive at all!

I would also 'forget' to tell them when you are on holiday. wait for them to query when then can come - and deflect then (that doesn't work for us; we are probably visiting xxx that weekend, we are doing xxx then...) until they either get the message, or you run out of weeks.

Continue for next year.

Eventually I can guarantee that they will have a huff and never speak to you again. But they'd do that when you tell them they are being rude and disrespectful to you!

IF your dh has a 'close' relationship with his Dn, it is up to him really - but he should, whatever happens, put you first.

Just heard this reply as a brush off it's brilliant.

Due to things happening in our life, which I am sure you won't be interested in, it won't be possible for us to host you this year.

Just say 'sorry doesn't work for us' whenever they suggest a date.

DH doesn't want to fall out but he should realise now that his once lovely young nephew has turned into a horrible twat, he needs to adjust his expectations now.

There's no way on earth I would let them stay in my house, cheeky fuckers of the highest.

But quite likely the nephew is a cf.
It’s not a case of “the two wives not getting on” which sounds patronising.
Your Dh should be contacting them op and saying you displayed a lack of respect for my wife when we were together and treat her as a maid when your at our home so I/we don’t feel it’s appropriate for you to come and stay.

I just wouldn't tell them anything about our holiday.

DH was not happy with their treatment towards me and has decided he does not want them to stay at our house

For me, this would be the biggest relief - it's his family, but if you're both on the same page then anything is possible

Don't tell them about your holiday plans and if they push, go with a gentle explanation of the truth. They'll blame you for it of course, but they'd do that anyway and at least this way your own family time together won't be ruined

1. just don't tell them when your holidays are
2. why didn't DH pull them up at the time re the rudeness? or is it a kind of situation where he is scared he will lose his relationship with the DN
3. Dh should say to DN (in words in person or on phone but NOT email/text) I was quite hurt by the way you treated DW - has something happened to upset you?

"The Hotel de Cheeky Fuckery is closed due to an influx of cheeky fuckers".
Or the mn phrase of :"sorry that doesn't work for us" .
Or just" fuck off no".
Whichever you prefer.

They were in the wrong and none of this is your fault. They were very rude to you at your home and at family gatherings. I would do what a PP said and start with "We are very disappointed by your behaviour."

He needs to tell his 'D'N that you have both had enough of his rudeness and sense of entitlement, and that he and his family won't be invited to stay with you this year. He should emphasize the 'invited'.

If pressed, he can tell them that you are not the maid, although they treat you like one (it sounds like your 'D' H does, too, btw. Why wasn't he cleaning out the baby bottles of 'his' family?); that they are rude to you to your face; and they deliberately excluded you at the Christmas gift exchange this year, while telling you they would be coming to stay. Sorry, not happening.

And, no, they don't get to apologize and visit this year. SEe how the relationship develops over the next few years before deciding whether or not to invite them again.

Many great suggestions around telling the truth in a gentle way.

But why didn't your DH say something when they all spoke in his native language? It's extraordinarily rude to carry on doing this. Surely he could have said, let's talk in English as DW doesn't speak native language as well as we do? If you do see DN and other DH family again, he needs to do this until they stop.

I think your DH should have a word. Both if them have behaved badly, and I would not be considering their proposed visit at all.

There seems to be a lot of pussyfooting around DN. He is a grown man, married WITH a baby, he is not the baby. Given all the help, support and fianancial contributions, would your DN really put his relationship with his uncle at risk?

Perhaps you DH could approaching along the lines of I (meaning he) felt a little uncomfortable with the gift to me as 'scones' was left out. I wondered if there was something you want to talk about as I noticed the only time you spoke to scones was to ask about the holiday. Give DN a chance to explain/excuse himself without backing him into a NC corner.

You say DN wifes talks about you DH's family. Does she get on with them?

100% agree with how BewareOfDragons has phrased it.

Don't allow them back into your family home until it's on your terms, you and your DH. I'm also a bit gobsmacked as to why your DH didn't pull them up on their behaviour before now...You and him are a package deal. And neither of you are the maid!

Your husband has clearly done a bit of “fathering” his nephew. Is it his brothers Child?
Either way he needs to take a fatherly tone and tell him that he and his wife are showing you disrespect and that disrespects him and he should expect more given all he’s done for him.

It’s not at all a case of the two wives getting along. ‘D’n is completely part of it, and with his wife are being very rude. The op is not being rude , just working out how to respond. I agree with say it like it is. ‘Dear dh, I was so hurt at the way you have treated my wife over Christmas, your behaviour is clearly deliberate and she has only ever been kind to you. I don’t think you would want to stay with someone you so obviously dislike so you should find somewhere else for your holidays.’

Dn not dh!