CF Family

[SconesandCupcakes]

Hi, long time lurker here, this is my first post. More of a WWYD but posting here for traffic.
DH and I have just returned from a weekend at DMIL's as DMIL lives a 5 hour drive away we tend to visit other members of DH family when there.

This weekend we visited DH's nephew and wife, DH has a very close relationship with DN supported him through higher education, helped out with the deposit for his first house, often had him stay over during the school holidays etc etc.
Now around 3 years ago DN got married and had a baby, during this time they have stayed at our house 3 times (once a year) every time it is the same they expect to be waited on hand and foot to the extent they even left the baby's bottles for me to wash! During their visits DN wife makes many snide remarks about DH family and tries her best to stir trouble. She really is a nasty piece of work. After their last visit DH and I had a disagreement as I told him how I felt they took the piss and didn't want them to stay again, DH did not agree with this as already mentioned he has close relationship with DN and understandably doesn't want to ruin that. We agreed to disagree and moved on.
This weekend during our visit to DN they made their feelings about me quite clear. DH mother tongue is not English understandably when talking amongst themselves DH family all speak in their own language however when I am around they switch to English (which they all speak fluently) as I do not understand DH language very well. DN's wife refused to speak any English and DN only addressed me once in English when he asked what our holiday plans for the year are, as we have not planned anything yet I told him this and he proceeded to tell me when we have planned our holidays we can let them know as they will stay with us for their holiday (we live in a very touristy part of the country). CF beyond belief he didn't even ask if it was ok just informed us they would be staying, his wife then took over the conversation in DH language and handed a Christmas present to DH (now in DH family we all give family gifts, think voucher for a nice meal, cinema tickets etc) this gift was clearly not a family gift it was a book for DH written in his language which they know I cannot read, it was the ultimate slap in the face for me. I know I sound like a money grabber but really I am not, it was just that we have always exchanged family gifts and this year not only have they been really rude to me they also gave a gift clearly only for DH the gift tag was even addressed to just him!
DH was not happy with their treatment towards me and has decided he does not want them to stay at our house. Now here's the WWYD how does DH tell them this? I think he should tell them the truth but he thinks if he does this then the relationship with his DN will end which obviously he does not want but neither does he want them staying with us. So should DH tell the truth or make up some story about been very busy and not having time for a visit?
TIA for any advice given

Thank you all for your great suggestions. I will show the thread to DH when he gets home.

Why did you wash the baby bottles? I would have left them unwashed until they stank and she took them home again. It's not as though you needed them.

I think I would be starting on a major house project, which is likely to go on for, oooohhhh, years!

Your DH needs to tell DN and his wife off for their behaviour and rudeness towards you. As he has been a father-figure to DN, he is entitled to.
DH, also, should not have allowed them to carry on a conversation in their native language in your presence. DH should have ensured the conversation switched to English.
I wouldn't worry about the relationship between DH and DN. DN stands to lose out more.

Hi OP
You've had lots of good advice already,I agree just tell them they are offensive and therefore unwelcome.
I just wanted to support you I guess as dh family are not.soand I hope you never have to see them again.

Your DH should have asked them to speak in English around you! I'd be angry at DH for that.

Just don't tell DN about holidays until you return home x

100 % agree with telling the truth
why spare their feelings , they didn't care about hurting you or your husband

I would get dh to ask if you had offended them in some way as an opener. Assuming they don’t then say ‘ah well, glad you asked because....’, and they do say ‘Goodness, no, why?’ then your dh gets to say ‘well, we were both very offended when you left her off the Xmas gift and we assumed that perhaps they had been a misunderstanding’, putting the ball firmly back in their court for an explanation and apology. If they do say you had done something to offend, at least then you know what it is and can move forwards understanding the issue from their perspective. It shows then that you both experienced the snub and that your dh is very firmly on your side but it also suggests you are willing to discuss, take blame if there is blame to be had and move forwards.

QuiteLikely it is not a case of two wives not getting on as you can see from my original post DH's DN and wife have been very rude to me and both DH and I do not want them to stay at our house. At no point have I suggested DH cannot continue to see DN in-fact I do not want the relationship between DH and DN to break down which is why I posted for advise here. No I do not think it is normal to inform someone you are coming to stay especially when you have been so rude to them.
Mummy2017 I love that brush off I don't think we will use it on this occasion but I can think of so many other scenarios where it will come in handy!
Yes museumum DN is DH brothers child.
KC225 DH's family all try to get along with DN wife because of the baby. I think they are scared that if they upset her she will go NC and therefore they would not see their DS and DGC so they put up with her cheeky fuckery.
To all the posters saying DH should have told DN and wife at the time to speak in English I totally agree he should have but he didn't, We have since spoken about this and DH has apologised and assured me it will not happen again.

I would call and say you've decided to limit guests this year as your starting to feel that's all your good for. Just recommend a B&B in the area when they presume the limit doesn't include them. If you ignore requests for you holiday dates they'll presume your not going away and turn up any week they fancy.

With the gift I would have responded, oh good I wanted to just buy for your DH this year but thought it would been unfair on you. So glad you've decided to not do family gifts, we can do the same now.

I do think people need to be called out on rudeness, otherwise they just get away with it.

So, I wouldn't force the issue, but the next time they wnat to come, or ask about holidays, your dh needs to say to his DN -
you were pretty rude to my DW at Christmas, and have made it clear that she isn't welcome in the family. I find this sad as we have both always made your DW welcome, and opened our home to you. I am sorry, but because of that, you are not currently welcome in our home

It will cause everything to kick off, and may spoil the relationship with his nephew, but in the long run, it will probably sort it. Sometimes you have to allow an upset in order to make a better long term solution

If they do come to visit because your DH won't stand up to their rudeness to you could you go off on a holiday for the duration? Do you have to endure their company?

You were pretty rude to my DW at Christmas, and have made it clear that she isn't welcome in the family . I find this sad as we have both always made your DW welcome, and opened our home to you. I am sorry, but because of that, you are not currently welcome in our home

This is good, but I've 'softened' it a bit and made the 'not welcome' a bit more pointed. Because I interpreted it as DH's family is in general welcoming of OP, it's just the DN and his wife who are not.

Anything other than the truth would be a stop-gap solution and would result in more future 'storytelling' and excuses to keep them away.

The truth doesn't have to be told in a rude manner. If DN takes offense at your DH saying that he won't allow you to be treated rudely by DN and his wife, so be it. Your DH's first loyalty should be to you, not some 'niece by marriage'.