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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Herpes

29 replies

HonestOrUnkind · 15/01/2018 13:16

A good friend has been dating pretty unsuccessfully for a couple of years. She really wants to settle down and I think people can find her too full on. She’s recently met someone she’s head over heels with (she tends to fall hard and quick) and had date three last night, and he’s told her he has herpes. I said that’d put me off, and now she’s angry with me.

Would you be put off by someone having herpes? Was I being unkind to say I would be?

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 15/01/2018 13:19

Yes i think I would be put off, but that’s me personally and I’m sure many people wouldn’t be. However I probably would of said the same as you do to my friend too tbh

Cuddlesandcannulas · 15/01/2018 13:19

If you think that someone's misfortune of catching an STD makes them repulsive, then YANBU to let your good friend know how shallow you are.

Original poster
HonestOrUnkind · 15/01/2018 13:26

I didn’t say repulsive, cuddles Hmm

I think it’s two issues really. Firstly, that an incurable, painful virus isn’t an attractive prospect, and secondly that she falls so hard for anyone that shows remote interest, and expects me to agree each new guy is her perfect match.

OP posts:
Kitsharrington · 15/01/2018 13:26

Doesn't sound like she was asking your opinion, so yes, YABU to share your unsolicited views with her. If she does get together with this guy you have now ensured she will feel embarrassed or ashamed around you so be prepared to be phased out. Maybe keep your prejudices to yourself in future.

Morphene · 15/01/2018 13:28

I'd say someone whose up front about such things is if anything more of a catch. On the ball about their physical and sexual health too...unlike the majority of men who have it, who haven't even bothered to get it diagnosed.

60% of people have some form of herpes so there's no point getting all childish about euuuwww about it.

Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2018 13:31

Probably unwise for her to have told you. It's more important how she feels about it than how you do or anyone else on the internet for that matter.

I hope she doesn't let you cloud her own judgement.

Lumbricina · 15/01/2018 13:31

He's done the decent thing and told her, what more would you expect him to do?

ThisLittleKitty · 15/01/2018 13:33

Yes it would put me off and your not U for saying. Someone I know has herpes and men always drop her once she's told them so I think it does put alot of people off (fear of catching it)

Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2018 13:34

She's obviously dating some very shallow childish men This LittleKitty. I hope she finds a decent one soon.

Original poster
HonestOrUnkind · 15/01/2018 13:37

To clarify I said that I’d find it off-putting, but if I really liked the person I would continue the relationship. I asked what else they have in common and she said they both have sisters Hmm then got defensive and angry with me for not being supportive.

I think actually it’s the fact she goes on at least one OD date a week (with basically anyone) and tells me about them in minute detail expecting positive encouragement on every facet. This is the first time she’s got to date three in months and she’s genuinely thinking about their wedding. She’s a lovely person but I find her attitude to dating exhausting. She sends me about fifty messages a day about it and I don’t have sufficient superlatives for her.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 15/01/2018 13:38

It would make me run a mile. I wouldn’t knowingly put my self in a situation where I might catch a lifelong std.

theothersideoftheworld · 15/01/2018 13:39

I actually think your friend is awful for telling you. He’s obviously told her something very personal only for her to tell her mate!

cheshiremama89 · 15/01/2018 13:41

Isn't it essentially just cold sores... down there?
If so - wouldn't be ideal but wouldn't ruin a relationship.

ThisLittleKitty · 15/01/2018 13:44

I don't think there shallow. I think it's understandable not to want to catch it. I said I wouldn't leave a partner if I found out they had (aslong as it was through cheating) but someone I just met? Wouldn't risk it.

Original poster
HonestOrUnkind · 15/01/2018 13:45

She wants me to agree a different person every week is her perfect dream soulmate and I couldn’t think of anything positive to say about herpes.

Perhaps I should have emphasised that it was great he told her but to be honest I don’t think him having herpes is a positive overall and I find the constant conversations pretty exhausting.

I really want the best for her but I don’t think she’s doing herself any favours by being so constantly positive and undiscerning about people she barely knows Confused

OP posts:
RB68 · 15/01/2018 13:46

I think alot depends on how active it is. You can have it and not have a break out for 20 yrs so if its very active its risky and a nuisance as you would avoid contact. But its no worse than someone who gets cold sores regularly

VladmirsPoutine · 15/01/2018 13:47

The herpes would send me off like a shot.
But the crux of this thread is that you find her tedious and bothersome. You both would do well without each other.

Original poster
HonestOrUnkind · 15/01/2018 13:50

Apparently he has painful outbreaks frequently and has one now. Diagnosed a few years ago.

Yes Vlad I do find her tiresome at the moment. She got Tinder about six months ago and it’s ramped up massively. Dating is all she talks about and she won’t hear any negativity about the man of the moment.

OP posts:
StopCallingMeShirley · 15/01/2018 14:05

God I hate that people are so short sighted and ignorant about something which is actually incredibly common. Loads of people carry HSV-2 or HSV-1, just not everyone gets sores.

You may well already have one or other without knowing it. The fact that he has told her early on in the relationship is hopefully a sign that he likes her enough to care about avoiding passing it on.

loobyloo1234 · 15/01/2018 14:11

Better that he told her than not surely? Confused

Can't win by the sound of things though as you'll judge him anyway hey OP?

peachgreen · 15/01/2018 14:22

There's no STD that would have put me off my DH, no. Especially not something as common as herpes.

Your friend's dating choices are her own. If you don't want to hear about them any more, tell her. But be prepared to lose a friend.

theothersideoftheworld · 15/01/2018 14:24

If he keeps having painful outbreaks then he should be on consistent medication .

TrinitySquirrel · 15/01/2018 14:28

Op if you've ever had unprotected sex then you likey have herpes. 9/10 carriers are totally asymptomatic.

It is a non issue frankly and no different than dating someone who gets a coldsore occasionally.

Get over yourself. Unless you're American where apparently Herpes is the end of the damn world and they all go hysterical about it. Then especially get over your fucking self.

Pugsleypugs · 15/01/2018 14:32

From what I gather, this means he will have flare ups just someone with a cold sore (also a form of herpes) would.

I think you were unfair to pass judgement on someone who has been honest with your friend and who is obviously careful about it now they know they have it in their system. It wouldn't put me off dating someone with it if they were upfront about it like this guy was.

YABU.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 15/01/2018 14:36

FFS all it means is that sometimes you can't have PIV sex.
Like when you have your period (for some), when you are sick, when you are too tired...it just means you do it another time!

A lot of people have herpes - not sure what the figure is for genital herpes but certainly there are plenty among us who silently suffer during active attacks.
It makes me sad when I hear people, including comedians, wishing it upon their enemies as some kind of punishment and expecting their audience to laugh.

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