Herpes

[HonestOrUnkind]

A good friend has been dating pretty unsuccessfully for a couple of years. She really wants to settle down and I think people can find her too full on. She’s recently met someone she’s head over heels with (she tends to fall hard and quick) and had date three last night, and he’s told her he has herpes. I said that’d put me off, and now she’s angry with me.

Would you be put off by someone having herpes? Was I being unkind to say I would be?

If I really liked someone it wouldn't put me off.

I find your post to be in poor taste to be honest, considering how many people here will have Herpes themselves.

If they were upfront about it and what it meant, and how to protect myself, and I liked them - no drama.

A close frined has herpes and she just tells people upfront and they can make their own mind up.

You woudl be surprised at the number of times men have pressured her for unprotected sex even after she has discloses she has herpes.

Your friend sounds like she needs to like herself more, then she wouldn't rely on randoms to like her. That is a really painful place to be ( I remember it well). Would she consider going to therapy? If she approved of herself more she wouldn't be so needy of you, or fall so hard for her dates.
I know you are not a guardian angel, but do try to stick by her, she needs all the support she can get. And do you ever talk about real stuff, like her mental states, or her repetitive behaviour? If she has any insight into her self destructive behaviour, could you suggest therapy?

Fwiw herpes is incredibly common, it's only contagious during a flare. This guy has done the right thing in telling her, so he might have his heart in the right place.

In terms of the needy messages, would you be able to say that you worry she will ruin her chances of happiness by running so far ahead of herself? A kind, boundaried friend once very gently said this to me , and it helped is both.

Herpes has a terrible (and totally unfair) stigma around it.

Variants of the herpes virus are totally endemic in the population - if you happen to be someone who has never experienced symptoms/an outbreak (of any kind, oral or genital) then that is simply down to luck and not because people who do are somehow dirty/slutty/contaminated.

I had a previous partner who carried the virus (I happen not to). He was totally upfront about the risks and forwarded me a lot of info so I could do my own research and make an informed decision about what level of risk I was prepared to run. I decided that the risk I was at from him - someone who was upfront enough to tell me - was far lower than with someone who carried the virus but didn't know it, or did know it but was too ashamed to say. And I'm very glad I made that decision :D