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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

45 replies

Loz604 · 14/01/2018 22:15

DP and I have been together almost 4 years and we know we want children. I have always had the idea that I’d get married first- although not fussed about the big wedding... registry and a party after would do.

DP suffers with anxiety and a wedding is his idea of a nightmare. Recently I decided I don’t want him to feel blackmailed into marriage therefore we have decided to stop using the pill. However, I think I am changing my mind!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/01/2018 22:18

You don’t need a party type wedding. A register office, couple of witnesses and a meal afterwards. It’s just not necessary.

Course it’s your wedding as well, he could make some effort. Get some beta blockers or something.

Coastalcommand · 14/01/2018 22:21

A marriage is a contract which protects you financially. I wouldn’t think of getting pregnant until you are married.

meredintofpandiculation · 14/01/2018 22:26

The meal afterwards isn't compulsory.

FittonTower · 14/01/2018 22:30

I didn't want a wedding so I didn't have one. We got married at the registry office then went for lunch. No wedding dress, no speeches, no fuss. Cost us £37 for the wedding, about the same again for the pizza after. It was the best day

condepetie · 14/01/2018 22:33

I can't believe someone is suggesting "lol he can just medicate for the duration". Anxiety is a serious condition that affects people in so many different ways, "just get some beta blockers" isn't a fucking solution.

For you OP it must be very hard, but can you come to some kind of compromise? A wedding may be his worst nightmare - but is he imagining being in front of 200 people saying his vows? Would a registry office do with just a couple of witnesses work for him, and then perhaps a party afterwards for family and friends?

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 22:37

Should you be marrying someone you know has serious anxiety but you're still prepared to force him into a wedding purely because of some outdated patriarchal idea?

FrancisUnderwood · 14/01/2018 22:41

He'll never marry you once you've had his kids if he won't marry you now.

Don't be a fool.

gamerchick · 14/01/2018 22:41

I can't believe someone is suggesting "lol he can just medicate for the duration". Anxiety is a serious condition that affects people in so many different ways, "just get some beta blockers" isn't a fucking solution

Erm I have anxiety and take beta blockers so I can yanno, function in the world and not opt out of shit that could make someone I love happy. So yes I’m going to recommend it.

Original poster
Loz604 · 14/01/2018 22:42

😂 that medicate for the duration has tickled me! I didn’t read gamerchick’s post like that 😊 registry office would still trigger his anxiety but I think he’d cope better than in front of 50+.... it’s the anxiety leading up to it all too so we are probably best just deciding the month before 😂

I haven’t had a conversation with him to say I’m changing my mind yet- I don’t want him to feel backed into a corner but at the same time I want us all to be ‘family’ when we have kids.

I feel bad that I came of the pill and he doesn’t feel pressured to get married- for me to change my mind! Hormones from coming off the pill probably aren’t helping my thoughts 😂

OP posts:
derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 22:48

He'll never marry you once you've had his kids if he won't marry you now.

Ugh. My own mother said that to me about my children's father, silly bitch, she didn't realise it was him desperate to marry me and me saying no.

Such a shitty thing to say. Hmm

condepetie · 14/01/2018 22:49

@gamerchick Yeah, and I have therapy so that I can yanno, function, and there are many types of meds for anxiety and not all of them will work for everyone. I'm glad that your medication does work for you but for OP's partner, who may not even want to be medicated at this point, suggesting short-term meds for a condition where meds do not work short-term is ridiculous and insensitive. OP didn't say anything about what her partner is doing to manage his anxiety. Meds do not and cannot fix everything but again, I'm glad they work for you.

OP you need to have a real conversation to him about how you feel about marriage first.

Original poster
Loz604 · 14/01/2018 23:01

DP has a long course of therapy before I met him. He is no longer on medication as he feels day to day his anxiety is at a manageable level. Big parties and social events cause it to be less manageable. Even meeting with a group of friends elevates it.

I will have a conversation with him and suggest we can do it in a way that he is most comfortable.

He has said ‘he doesn’t rate marriage that highly’ but I know that’s more to put off a ‘wedding day’. We are very happy- have bought our own home and want kids. He has mentioned going abroad to do it but due to my mothers health I don’t think that’s an option.

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
condepetie · 14/01/2018 23:02

Good luck OP, I hope you can reach a compromise that works for both of you :)

FittonTower · 15/01/2018 05:21

My registry office was literally that. A small office, me and my partner and 2 witnesses. It wasn't a social occasion. It only needs to be a social occasion if you make it one, for us it was a cheaper-than-making-a-will occasion. I don't have anxiety, I just really really don't like weddings, so I didn't have one. I am married tho, because when I had my daughter I went part time at work and I needed the legal protection for me and my children should their dad up and leave or up and die. And I love him and wanted to be married to him. Doesn't need to be any kind of event at all if you don't want it to be. If we'd skipped the post-marridge pizza it would 've been over in 20 minutes.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/01/2018 05:49

I had horrendous anxiety when DH and I got married (such that I couldn’t work and hardly ever left the house), but I’d always wanted the big white wedding with our families and that’s what we had.

On the day itself I was running on so much happiness and adrenaline it was as though I didn’t even suffer with anxiety. It was amazing and incredible.

Of course I reverted back the next day (several years later and I have now made a full recovery), but it was truly magical.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/01/2018 06:15

Those people saying "Oh just have a registry office wedding"

Don't understand anxiety.

My anxiety is hinged on authority...people and places.

So I have panic attacks when I go near hospitals, courts, schools, big offices, registry type places, airports etc.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/01/2018 06:24

Another one here whose DP is marrying her after children. Not all men are the same!

EggsonHeads · 15/01/2018 06:34

Just go to the registry with a couple of witnesses for a marriage and don't have a wedding at all. Not getting married puts you in a very vulnerable position. Although I would reconsider having children with a man who can't even suck it up for one day to make you happy. Is he going to insist that the children don't have birthday parties as well? How is he going to cope with parent teacher nights? Will he be able to take the children to sports matches? Or will you be left to do everything with no legal recourse in the event that you aren't happy with the situation?

Afreshcuppateaplease · 15/01/2018 06:37

Oh i would love tiny little wedding

Dp disagrees

Oh and we are going to get married after FOUR dc together

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/01/2018 06:59

You do realise that anxiety is a mental health disorder, right?

You wouldn’t be telling someone with a broken leg to suck it up and walk for a day, so you shouldn’t be doing the same here just because you can’t see it.

Don’t be so ignorant. Your attitude is the reason there’s so much stigma around mental health.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/01/2018 07:00

Sorry, that post above was to the follow ruse comment made by EggsonHeads:

Although I would reconsider having children with a man who can't even suck it up for one day to make you happy.

Poshindevon · 15/01/2018 07:08

Your OH with all his anxiety and issues can think of going abroad to marry but is so anxious he cant marry in the local register office. Very odd.
Its not your hormones your OH is being selfish.

FittonTower · 15/01/2018 07:11

I thought anxiety was triggered by different things? Is it always authority? It sounded from the OP like it's social occasions that trigger it. I don't have much experience of it so I apologise if I have offended anyone

Original poster
Loz604 · 15/01/2018 07:20

I don’t fully understand as I’m not the one going through it. I try my best. I know social triggers it and hospitals (but He think having a baby in a hospital will be different as it’s a positive thought). I have learnt anxiety is not simple. People don’t realise the thought processes and preparation people with anxiety do on a daily basis.

I believe the suggestion of abroad was an attempt to have it as small as possible 😂

OP posts:
GinisLife · 15/01/2018 09:25

Can you take him to the registry office and show him the room and how few people fit in there so he knows what to expect in advance ? Might lower his anxiety level a bit ?