AIBU

[Loz604]

DP and I have been together almost 4 years and we know we want children. I have always had the idea that I’d get married first- although not fussed about the big wedding... registry and a party after would do.

DP suffers with anxiety and a wedding is his idea of a nightmare. Recently I decided I don’t want him to feel blackmailed into marriage therefore we have decided to stop using the pill. However, I think I am changing my mind!

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like his anxiety is at a manageable level at all, he won't cope with kids if he can't face the thought of getting married even just in a registry office. He needs to decide if he wants to put himself first or his "family" I.e you at the moment but kids later, if it's family first then he needs to reassess his situation, further counselling/CBT etc or medication. For context my husband wouldn't propose to me even though he wanted to (he told me after) for years because he had anxiety about a wedding,had some counselling which is paid for and did privately without telling anyone,medicated for a short while and is now living an anxiety free life and we got married,he often says he could not have coped with our DC if he hadn't sorted out his anxiety all those years ago. So I do understand where you're coming from.

Your OH with all his anxiety and issues can think of going abroad to marry but is so anxious he cant marry in the local register office. Very odd.
Its not your hormones your OH is being selfish.

Poshindevon Another ignorant post on anxiety. Anxiety is complex and different for everyone; some things you can do, some you can’t.

There is a massive difference between having the traditional church wedding in front of (loads of) people you know and going abroad and doing it just the two of you.

I fail to understand why you can’t see that difference.

I thought anxiety was triggered by different things? Is it always authority? It sounded from the OP like it's social occasions that trigger it. I don't have much experience of it so I apologise if I have offended anyone

FittonTower You’re correct - anxiety is triggered by different things for everyone. For me, I always found authority comforting, and they would always make an anxious situation a lot better.

Asking questions is always okay; learning about anxiety is not offensive at all, but something to be commended

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like his anxiety is at a manageable level at all, he won't cope with kids if he can't face the thought of getting married even just in a registry office

Well that's the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard.

I have diagnosed anxiety, the only chance I'd ever marry someone is if my fiancé to be proposed at the venue without me knowing and we did it there and then, just us. The thought of a wedding with people is terrifying.

I'm a fantastic mother. Anxiety and parenting are two very separate things. Don't be so willingly dull.

Also, a little snapshot of anxiety.

I have no yet slept since I woke up at 6am yesterday.

No reason. No rhyme. I'm buzzed now. You'd think I've had 10 hours of unconsciousness.

I had a tiny disagreement with DP that I overreacted to by walking off and had to shut myself in the spare room and wrote 10,000 words on smartphone use within the development of a relationship, then I sat awake for the remaining hours listening to the rain.

I'll most likely clean the house to within an inch of its life today, and probably run for an hour at the gym and still not sleep tonight because I generally get nights like this coming in threes.

No reason. No rhyme. Just anxiety.

Pregnancy and childbirth can be stressful and very medical. Are you sure he can support you adequately during this? Is he seeking treatment? It does sound quite limiting.

I do appreciate your comments but I don’t feel you can have strong opinions about the way someone else’s anxiety is/isn’t affecting them.

My gosh derangedmermaid how are you still functioning. My brain comes alive at night just before bedtime when I over think every thing 😂 some of my best and worst decisions are made then 😂

DISCLAIMER! I suffer from anxiety that can be very debilitating. There’s a couple of things that stand out in your post OP which are worth thinking about.

1. if you feel that strongly that you should be married first, I think it’s important you should stick to that. There’s a lot of reasons (there was another thread recently that may shed more light) into why marriage before children is a good idea and also if it’s how you feel, then that feeling is valid.

2. if he’s willing to listen, he needs to figure out exactly what it is that’s making him anxious about even just a officiate at a registry office. I was an anxious mess before my registry office weeding, so I get it. Would have been less so though if it were just the registrar and 2 witnesses. There are compromises there, it’s finding the right one.

3. the PP that suggested medication is actually not wrong. For diagnosed anxiety, especially where other avenues have been explored, short term medications such as beta blockers (or even rescue remedy if it works for him!) could be helpful if his GP is in agreement.

4. you said the anxiety is ‘just manageable’ That suggests he isn’t done with treatment. Anxiety often needs lengthy treatment or for the treatment to restart after a break. It’s not a ‘curable’ thing but just managing isn’t coping and that needs dealing with.

5. following on from the point above, wedding aside, you should probably think about how his anxiety will be managed if/when you have a child. Anxiety is so unpredictable and it really is something that needs to be controlled as much as possible before big life events. Speaking from experience there!

@derangedmermaid

That may be true for you but not for the majority. You are probably a fantastic parent but the rest of your post kind if made my point a bit, say for some reason he has to lone parent for a day etc and he hasn't slept, has to lock himself away and write 10000 words etc would it not be better if that somehow wasn't an issue and could be resolved pre children?

I worked with someone who quite literally popped out and got married in their lunch hour. It doesn't have to be stressful.

You can have tiny church weddings as well as tiny registry office ones, btw. Wherever you choose to get married, you can wear what you want and invite who you want. You do not need to make a big event of it at all.

@Loz604
It's just part and parcel of what my anxiety presents as hah. I'm using this burst of manic energy very wisely by decluttering the kids bedroom.

@MrTrebus I am a lone parent with shared custody, and a large network of other anxiety parents who find the crossover from their fears to their parenting very minimal. You are literally also describing the shift pattern of a doctor, can doctors not be parents too?

Anxiety isn't something that one day pops up and we have to learn how to deal with it. Anyone with children will have already put coping mechanisms in place and I don't know any of my friends who let it directly effect their child. To say to the OP that her husbands lack of wanting to get married will make him an unfit parent is dangerously hyperbolic.

We'll have to agree to disagree because that made no sense.

Sorry but if his anxiety is such he couldn't cope with a wedding in a registrar's office with two witnesses, how on earth will he cope with living day to day with a baby, a toddler, a teenager. The most anxiety-inducing things on earth.

And to someone who mentioned authority, that would still apply. He's got to cope with hospitals at the birth, teachers at school etc.

We could go on about anxiety all day- it isn’t as straight cut as people think. Having a child may be a poor choice for some with anxiety where as others could cope quite well. Maybe even better! I can not talk for DP regarding his anxiety.

My original post was asking if I was being unreasonable for changing my mind on marriage- after we had made a decision together. But we shall be talking more about marriage xx

Sorry but if his anxiety is such he couldn't cope with a wedding in a registrar's office with two witnesses, how on earth will he cope with living day to day with a baby, a toddler, a teenager. The most anxiety-inducing things on earth.

ShatnersWig That quite clearly shows your ignorance on the mental health condition that is anxiety. There is a massive difference between anxiety as an illness and the general anxieties everyone gets.

And to someone who mentioned authority, that would still apply. He's got to cope with hospitals at the birth, teachers at school etc.

All that is irrelevant, as the poster who mentioned authority was talking about themselves. For me, I have always found authority comforting, and they were always able to make an anxious situation better for me.

There is so much bullshit and ignorance on this thread that it really shows how little people actually understand anxiety and how far we have to go in getting people to understand it.

WhatToDo Oh, if you only knew how wrong you were about my being ignorant on this particular topic.

@Shatnerswig FWIW I fully agree with you

ShatnersWig If you’re not ignorant, don’t act like it.

I call it as I see it based on experience.

You call it as you see it based on experience, presumably.

We don't have to agree. But you can do so politely to other posters.

ShatnersWig Right, but the idea that someone with anxiety can’t cope with parenthood simply because the have anxieties in other areas is just bullshit.

Anxiety is complex and different for everyone. People generally don’t understand that just because you can do A, you can’t do Y; or just because you can’t do X, doesn’t mean you can’t do Z. Your blanket implication that it’s just not possible is ridiculous, and even more so if you have experience in the area.