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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep on at DP about this?

40 replies

nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 15:59

NC for this so it's not linked to posting history.

DP was tagged in a photo on fb this morning of his ex and a little girl who looks about 8. We've been together almost 8 years and he had a 6 week fling with this woman about 6 months before we got together. The little girl is the absolute spitting image of DP.

DP tried to message his ex but she's now blocked him, as has the person who tagged him. He's completely shut down. He said he doesn't even know if this child is his but if she isn't his then she's his brother's. She is the double of him. I asked what he's going to do and he said nothing because the ex clearly doesn't want him to. He's taken himself to bed saying he doesn't feel well and that he doesn't want to talk about it ever again.

My head is reeling so I can only imagine how his head is. I need to give him time and space to process this but what do I do if he carries on refusing to talk about it? I have DC aged 20 and 14 and he doesn't have any.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 16:05

I’d leave it for today!

Of course you need to talk to him about it, in time.

What do you want him to do about it? It’s his past and his business but I’d struggle to let it go if he has a child out there. Don’t know what can be done if he’s willing to leave it.

Do you think he knew? He either did know and it’s come back to haunt him or he had no idea and is in shock. Either way I’d let him have some time.

VimFuego101 · 14/01/2018 16:06

Who tagged him in the pic and why would they have done so rather than speaking to him directly?

JollyJuniper · 14/01/2018 16:08

He needs time to get his head around it. Give it time to sink it before you "keep on at him". If he has got a daughter he needs to try and be in her life for her sake.

TheQueenOfWands · 14/01/2018 16:11

YABU to 'keep on at him' about anything.

It's his life and his business. He'll deal with it as he sees fit. He'll need a few weeks to get his head around it.

jaseyraex · 14/01/2018 16:15

This little girl could well be under the impression that someone else is her dad. Would it be fair to keep on at him and turn an 8 year olds life upside down if it turns out your husband is her dad? This is up to your husband how to deal with it, and then it's up to you to decide how much it bothers you if he decides he doesn't want to deal with it.

PinkHeart5914 · 14/01/2018 16:22

What can he do though? I mean if it’s been 8 years and the ex has never mentioned this child she is hardly likely to want him to play daddy now so I can’t see her simply inviting him in to this child’s life

He won’t be on the birth certificate so it would be a hell of a fight and legal fees to prove he is the dad.

It’s also not only about your dp, this child may know someone else as her dad

He is an adult he doesn’t have to talk about this if he doesn’t want too, at the end of the day IF this child was to even be his then it’s his child and up to him alone to decided what he wishes to do if anything. His not going to thank you for being a nag

Eliza9917 · 14/01/2018 16:22

I think it's unfair to say this is nothing to do with you, because obviously it is. If it is his child and access is granted or maintenance must now be paid that will impact you and your household.

Give him time to process it himself and he may want to talk later today or tomorrow.

If he doesn't then bring it up in a day or so as you are entitled to know what he plans to do IMO.

Original poster
nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 16:23

Thanks for the replies. He did say he had no inkling that she could be pregnant and I believe him. I'm not sure what I want him to do. I can't imagine having a child out there that's possible mine and not doing anything about it.

It was an old college friend who tagged him. No idea of the whys or hows because she's blocked him too.

OP posts:
Megs4x3 · 14/01/2018 16:29

Your poor husband. What a shock for him. My guess, given that he's been blocked is that no-one wants him to make contact/draw conclusions/ask questions. What you would want to do about your child 'out there' is irrelevant. Please, give the man some space and some loving support. He needs time to process this and decide what, if anything, he wants to do. This little girl clearly has the family her mother has decreed for her, so nothing need happen or be decided immediately.

Xmaspuddingdisaster · 14/01/2018 16:31

Has he any reason to think it could be his brother’s child? How unsettling. Even if the child is settled with a different dad I’m not sure how ok that is - we should have a right to knOw who are biological parents are unless they present a danger to us.

HoHoHoHo · 14/01/2018 16:33

Could he contact someone who knows the person who tagged him? They might have some information.

TheQueenOfWands · 14/01/2018 16:36

You also could do with finding out why the college friend tagged him and then immediately blocked him.

Sounds like shit-stiring to me and it might be handy to find out why someone is trying to cause trouble.

Tistheseason17 · 14/01/2018 16:36

This is going to be a huge shock for him (and you!) Let him react how he needs to and support him as you usually do.

RhiannonOHara · 14/01/2018 16:43

Sounds like shit-stiring to me and it might be handy to find out why someone is trying to cause trouble.

I think this too.

January87 · 14/01/2018 16:43

What shit stirring bastards. Maybe they thought it would cause problems between you two? You have to be careful not to let that happen but I think he does need to follow it up. If he has a daughter out there then he needs to man up and fight for her, if she finds out when she's older that he might have known and never bothered she could be really hurt.

Namechanger2735 · 14/01/2018 16:46

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes, let give him the benefit of the doubt and say who knew nothing about this (which by the bitchy tagging him on fb I'm assuming he didn't), what a shock for him!
Leave him for tonight..let him process it in his head, if one or both of you have work to get up and go to in the morning then don't say anything about it in the morning but maybe try and talk to him about it after dinner.
But I'd approach with a "I'm not nagging or judging you but I want to help" attitude. Hope you get it sorted

ReanimatedSGB · 14/01/2018 16:48

Sorry but keep your beak out. This is not your business. It's up to your DP to decide what to do and , for the moment, your input is irrelevant.
If he asks for your opinion and wants to talk it through with you, then you can tell him what you think, but following him around bleating that he has to discuss it with you is unhelpful in the extreme.

Tink2007 · 14/01/2018 16:52

I agree with the posters who said there is some shit stirring going on regardless of whether the little girl is or isn’t your OHs child. Why would they tag him and then block him?

OnionKnight · 14/01/2018 16:54

Unless they are shit stirring cunts why would they tag him and block him?

Megs4x3 · 14/01/2018 16:56

It could also be a genuine mistake with blocking meant to ward off questions. Assumptions from anyone about anything at this early stage are unhelpful. The only question at the moment at I think is valid is from OP to her DP - 'what, if anything, can I do to help' and if the answer is 'nothing' to respect that.

Straycatblue · 14/01/2018 16:57

YABU to 'keep on at DP about this

Certainly for now, it sounds like hes just had a massive shock and isnt coping with it, demanding answers and explanations isnt going to help at the moment.

He said he doesn't even know if this child is his but if she isn't his then she's his brother's. She is the double of him

So was the woman seeing his brother at around the same time or is this a flippant comment????

It was an old college friend who tagged him.

So why dont you just ask the college friend about it and why they tagged him?

Original poster
nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 16:59

Sorry I wasn't implying BIL could be the father I was saying this child looks so like DP that she has to be related in some way.

I'm not nagging - he's in the bedroom reading. I've just taken him a cup of tea and a sandwich and we had a cuddle. I'm a talker - I need to talk things through - but he's a thinker. It's caused arguments before but I'm biting my tongue with this one. I know it's totally his call but if he doesn't even want to find out that she's definitely his (not that I have an iota of a doubt) and that she's happy and healthy etc I think I'd lose a lot of respect for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 17:02

He did mention he'd not seen the college friend for years before he stopped talking, and he didn't know she was friends with the ex.

OP posts:
WildRosesGrow · 14/01/2018 17:19

I guess there is a chance that the ex just has predictable taste in men, e.g. she was attracted to another man because he looked like your partner, which would mean her child looked similar too.

mydietstartsmonday · 14/01/2018 17:20

Give him time to think things through. Tell him it’s his decision and you will be beside him whatever he decides. Do you have children together. It doesn’t sound like you do. A real tough one, no right or wrong answer, all parties have to agree a way forward.

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