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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep on at DP about this?

40 replies

nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 15:59

NC for this so it's not linked to posting history.

DP was tagged in a photo on fb this morning of his ex and a little girl who looks about 8. We've been together almost 8 years and he had a 6 week fling with this woman about 6 months before we got together. The little girl is the absolute spitting image of DP.

DP tried to message his ex but she's now blocked him, as has the person who tagged him. He's completely shut down. He said he doesn't even know if this child is his but if she isn't his then she's his brother's. She is the double of him. I asked what he's going to do and he said nothing because the ex clearly doesn't want him to. He's taken himself to bed saying he doesn't feel well and that he doesn't want to talk about it ever again.

My head is reeling so I can only imagine how his head is. I need to give him time and space to process this but what do I do if he carries on refusing to talk about it? I have DC aged 20 and 14 and he doesn't have any.

OP posts:

kateclarke · 14/01/2018 17:27

Stop making this all about you and give him time to process this.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 14/01/2018 17:27

He’ll talk when he’s ready. Men aren’t known for their talking skills. He’s probably in shock, wondering if the girl is his, not knowing what to do next, his life has just been thrown an unexpected curve ball and he’s mulling it over. Just wait and be there for when he’s ready to talk.

swingofthings · 14/01/2018 17:34

Ma6be three little girl has been asking about her dad and her mum confided in friend who said she should tell her the truth (or she has an issue with the girl still thinking her dad is another man) and college friend hgas threatened to tell OP's partner if she wasn't honest and then did so but doesn't want to discuss it.

Must be quite a shock to your OH. Has there ever been discussion about you and him having children how does he feel about being a dad?

I don't agree you shouldn't be involved. If he were to decide to pursue this matter it will impact on you. Agree to give him time to get him to talk about it. Did he see it and then shoiwed it to you? What did he say at the time?

Original poster

nc4this18 · 14/01/2018 17:53

Yes he showed me. I'm not going to mention it for the rest of the day.

No my DC aren't his. I didn't want any more when I met him and he was fine with that.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 14/01/2018 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

c3pu · 14/01/2018 18:38

Jesus, how awful for your poor DP.

Someone clearly has a master's degree in shit stirring, that is absolutely next level.

As a dad who's done the whole family court thing (albeit for rather different circumstances) I'd be desperate to get to the bottom of it and play a positive role in the child's life.

But the realist in me is also wondering just how much good would come of it after that amount of time has elapsed without ever meeting the child. The disruption for the poor could be immense, and that's if it all went well. Factor in the potential for the mother to be obstructive, which from the blocking on Facebook seems a distinct possibility...

I do not envy your DP one bit. What an awful situation to be in.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 14/01/2018 18:55

You also could do with finding out why the college friend tagged him and then immediately blocked him. Sounds like shit-stirring to me and it might be handy to find out why someone is trying to cause trouble

Maybe ............... but my first thought was that the college friend assumed he knew he was the father of the child, the mother explained that's not the case, the friend is mortified that she has let the cat out of the bag and feels she shouldn't get involved in any discussion about it

This is a big deal for your DP to process. I'd suggest you don't put pressure on him to discuss it before he's ready and wait to see what happens

LokiBear · 14/01/2018 18:57

Prince Harry looks a lot like James Hewitt. He also looks the absolute spitting image of Prince Phillip when he was younger. Try not to focus on the child's looks, if she isn't your dh's her dad could look a lot like your dh. Give him support and space whilst he decides if and when he wants to find out.

Charolais · 14/01/2018 19:42

I don’t think the college friend is shit-stirring. She just wanted your husband to be aware he may have a child out there. Maybe the ex told her who the father is, or a friend of the ex.

Letting someone know they are a father is not shit stirring in my opinion.

Charolais · 14/01/2018 19:45

If the child is not his there would be no reason to block him right out of the chute. She could have told him the child wasn’t his and how dare he even ask or something like that.

Megs4x3 · 14/01/2018 20:27

Telling someone he is a father in direct contravention of the wishes of the mother after 8 YEARS is totally unacceptable - not that we know yet that that is the actual situation. I have experience a virtual stranger overriding a decision I made and I cannot tell you how much damage it caused. I doubt that the situation will ever be resolved, unfortunately.

DarkPeakScouter · 14/01/2018 20:38

It all sounds really odd

Original poster

nc4this18 · 15/01/2018 16:51

So neither of us slept very well last night. I told him that he could talk to me and that I'd just listen if that's what he wanted. He was up and down all night but before I left for work this morning he said he's decided he's going to have to find her. He said he's going to try messaging mutual friends of him and the college friend to start with.

I'll update when there is one. Thanks for advising me to back off, it was the best thing to do and I know that I can be a head pecker.

OP posts:

GrooovyLass · 15/01/2018 17:39

I'm glad he's made that decision and I hope he gets an answer, whatever the answer is.

Megs4x3 · 15/01/2018 18:53

Sounds like a good plan. Well done for having the patience to let him think in peace.

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