To hate Autism

[EnglishRose1320]

I know I might well be but today I am done with it. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me it brings so much joy, a different way of thinking, unique gifts etc. I'd happily swap my son's autism, lose the high IQ, the quirky traits, have an average child in a heartbeat because nothing is worth the aniexty, the depression, the self harming, the house desteoying, the life destroying that we have to deal with. I don't see Autism as a blessing and I don't know that I ever will.

Perhaps Fionne has lead a life free of prejudice, anti-disability behaviour, friendlessness, loneliness, crushed self-esteem, social confusion (even though you’re trying really, really hard to “get it” and “fit in”. I suspect she has never had to look at a person she loved more than anything and imagined that if it came to it, if he botched his own suicide, she would help him. That she would then, quite happily end her own life, because being without him will crush her.

Ahh, Fionne. I do hope life is always so uncomplicated for you.

@Fionne nope, just the ones who think we shouldn’t exist/should conform to NT ways/make every effort to exclude, mock and ridicule us. So basically you.

And DP is NT (he’s the odd one out in our house, we’re like the outside world in reverse ) and he’s fucking awesome. As are my friends who made the effort to understand autism, to research it and include me and my kids, instead of expecting us to be NT.

So you see, it’s not prejudice against NT people. It’s disliking arseholes. Massive difference.

That’s not to say nobody ever laughs when I pipe up with something a bit “out there” or have a really obviously autistic moment. Apparently my facial expressions are a scream when I’m trying not to say something I shouldn’t.
The difference is, they laugh WITH me, not AT me. Like decent human beings.

Some NTs do the same thing. All the time.
Note how I'm not generalising.

@SukiTheDog I’ve just read your post. I totally understand.

I don’t think all NT people are awful but some don’t get it. They just don’t get how hard it all is. The key word is some. My dd has two wonderful LSAs. I’d like to say they get her but they don’t not really. But they do really care about her. It’s all about understanding and attitude and being kind.

@differentnameforthis I don't know how old DD is, I just wondered if you've seen the 'thermal' range at Asda?
They have T shirts, long sleeved tops and are from about £4.
DS loves the women's tops (smaller) and literally just made from thin legging material. Not a fucking thing thermal about them, but incredibly soft and great to put under the wrong clothes.

Can I also just leave these for anyone having a shitty day

I haven't gone through all of these posts but I have just finished watching 'The A Word' it shows exactly what happens in many families lives. My brothers has Aspergers and the strain on my family is immense. He feels like a failure and now self harms and has no feeling of self worth at all, claiming he is ugly, wishes he was never born, that no one likes him except for his online friends. Its so disheartening. He is 25 now but he is only feeling worse and won't seek help so my mum is under so much pressure. On top of that the smashing up the house with frustration and refusal to self care, clean, tidy up his surroundings. I am worried that she will have a stroke/heart attack with the stress. Has lost so much weight and feels nowhere to turn.

So OP you are not alone but get support where you can, for all of you x

I'm not trying to be honest without trying to be hurtful. Eye contact is INCREDIBLY important to me and many neurotypical people. It was important to me that my dd could do this. Some people with autism on here seem to have happy marriages and working lives which gives me great hope. I want to those things for my dd. Making eye contact even if difficult is a means to an end. Get through that interview- get that job. Catch someone's eye ( literally) and maybe start that relationship. She is great at eye contact now. It's not easy. She needs time to rest. I appreciate it's hard work. But she has a friend or two now which she didn't have before. It may not last long but having friends brings her amazing happiness. And making eye contact allowed her to do this. ABA is about getting our children the lives they want. somebpeople here talk about " masking" which sounds like their own personal tote of ABA which they used to reach goals they wanted. I bet " masking" helped to get a job sling the way. I want my dd to get a job.

Yet if NT’s did the same thing there would be an outrage

Believe me when I tell you there is no outrage, ever. Autistic people are viewed as easy targets, because there is no consequence for attacking us. If you’ve never seen it happen you’re not looking hard enough.

We had to sell our house, move from the only home my children have ever known and start over because of bullying because of my child’s autism. So tell me again how there would be outrage? Because when my 10 yo was battered with sticks the day my mum went into a fucking hospice there was no outrage, the police and SW did fuck all and the little bastards only upped their abuse because they knew there would be no consequences.

So take your disdain and goadiness and complete lack of understanding and go somewhere else please. Because you’re embarrassing yourself.

My son has Autism and ADHD I absolutely love him to bits but some of the traits of autism are so difficult and exhausting to deal with day to day. The anxiety, melt down, constant need for routine, physical outbursts. The lack of support as nobody is able to look after ds or the comments such ohh so and so was a difficult child. There is a huge difference between difficult and autistic. A difficult child can go into a shop or his classroom without going into sensory overload my son can’t.

Check your neurotypical privilege Fionne

I just wanted to pop back on and thank pp for the flowers, the link to the German blog and Bishop for answering my question. I hate that this thread and threads like these always end up as a bunfight. If there is anyone there who did 'masking' as a child or who remembers their triggers and meltdowns or how old they were when they were told they had a diagnosis, I'd be really grateful for anyone's insight into how anyone (parent/TA/psych) helped them and anything they remembered negatively. So I make fewer mistakes.
Also any parent's insights would help me - for example ear deafeners recommendations/experiences, weighted blankets, whether keeping a diary of triggers helped, how long before you learned from history not to repeat it eg town, supermarket.
Above all how you kept your marriage going/siblings also getting time and how you do this when there's literally only you and a working partner.
I also need to know what to do re screen time as DS is addicted but it calms him and I use it as respite but I know it is not good to do that plus I have guilt that some of his problems have been caused by screen overexposure ( please let me know if you feel the same or reassure me otherwise and any experience of going nonelectrical/cold turkey).
I quit my job yesterday and cried all over the place, one boss fine, one boss dismissive. I get Kindergeld here but no idea wrt any other help or funding. DH works full-time so probably not. Kindergarten is not compulsory so atm DS is with me and will remain so until we get a new place/referral somewhere that can suit his needs better. But at least we are not having daily morning meltdowns about him going somewhere he hated. in advance x

I really didn't mean to start a thread that would become a nt verus autistic platform. I just needed to vent, still do. I just wanted a space where people could express frustrations.

For me it was the opposite with masking I'm afraid.

As I grew older I realised I was different, and worked hard at cramming myself into the 'NT' box. When I masked it made me extremely anxious, depressed and suicidal. My self harm shot up through the roof. By the time I was a teenager I was a shadow of myself.

But then I got a diagnosis, I realised I didn't have to do that. I can flap my arms if I want, I don't have to force myself to look someone in the eye.

I can talk about my own interests. My parents used to discourage this as they said people got 'bored'. Well, I got bored having to listen to them prattle on about nothing so I talk about what I want to now. If they don't want to join in I don't mind

I feel a lot happier since I stopped trying to force myself to think and behave in a way that I'm just not meant to.

hey OP. I, for one, am grateful for the thread. It came along when I needed it. There is no "side" for me - I love my son unconditionally and struggle with NT people that don't get him or don't want to. I am also in a culture where Rabenmutter (raven mother) is a common judgement irrespective of SN. I will basically accept help, tips, criticism and advice from anyone at this point so whether that's from a fellow mum at her wit's end or one who has years of experience or someone with ASD who knows exactly how it feels for them and what helped/didn't as a youngster then I'll grab that help with both hands xx

I really don't understand why eye contact is such a big deal in the NT world. I've been made to do it too despite it being physically painful because it was expected. I won't do it any more.

My kids I ask them to look in my direction purely so I know they're listening but I'll never make them make eye contact.

Thank you kitty. I was asking because of my middle DD. She goes to school from 8-15.30 and explodes at home as if pressure has built up all day. No diagnosis, she was referred and observed in kindergarten for various issues (clumsiness, volume of voice, concentration) but advised to do Rübeturnen (gymnastics but not) and that was it. I worry for her but am not sure how to talk to her about it without projecting or making it sound like criticism - we talk about why she was angry (usually homework related) but she often cannot describe how she was feeling, just everything got too much/something set her off.

@Slanetylor masking has harmed me. I have PTSD and depression because of it.
I understand some dangerous behaviours need to be dealt with, but eye contact and harmless stims aren't important to deal with and are actively beneficial to an autistic person's mental health.
There is no good reason if they are behaving safely why an autistic person has to act to make themselves seem NT.

@HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance I really wouldn't beat yourself up about the screens. They haven't caused the autism and tbh sometimes you have to do whatever is necessary to get through.

Hello Bish I don't force eye contact with any of mine but remember a teacher having a problem with my first refusing to look at her (Dd1 is NT but still hated eye contact when being told off). Sod it. Have a good day all of you X

@HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance nothing wrong with expecting looking in the general direction 😉
Have a good day too.

Thanks. We are going to eat now. DS currently will only eat a salami brötchen and grapes but food is fuel. I worry about the kindle because of the Romanian/French studies but I read too much and I am going through a period of self-loathing in any case. Plus it's chucking it down so he is refusing to go out even in wellies. Will come back to thread later. Cheers.

What annoys me with eye contact is the black & white thinking that (most) people with ASD ‘can’t’ ever do it. I really do know that it’s difficult, I don’t like eye contact particularly, but my boys make brilliant eye contact with me, their siblings, DH and other close family. It’s other people they can’t cope with eye contact with.
I’ve been told my son’s ‘can’t be that bad’ because they can look at me directly. 🙄