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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate Autism

650 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 13/01/2018 15:19

I know I might well be but today I am done with it. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me it brings so much joy, a different way of thinking, unique gifts etc. I'd happily swap my son's autism, lose the high IQ, the quirky traits, have an average child in a heartbeat because nothing is worth the aniexty, the depression, the self harming, the house desteoying, the life destroying that we have to deal with. I don't see Autism as a blessing and I don't know that I ever will.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 03:18

I typically say that kids with autism are very smart/have special abilities and so on - @ConfusedWife1234
Well that's a myth in most cases, and doesn't apply to the large majority of children with asd. My daughter's only "special ability" is that she can bash her face with a hard plastic toy and not mark herself.

and maybe they are a special mum to be given a special child. I am Christian and do believe our Lord has his reasons. I would like to know what his reasons were for giving my daughter a disability that makes her want to die, or makes her hit her head on stone walls. I am not special, my daughter is not any more special than her sister. her needs are different. Not greater, different.

I am just a mother, like any other who is trying to do the best for my child.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 03:31

I am Christian and do believe our Lord has his reasons. I used to think like you. I remember my sister having a miscarriage and I said to her that everything happens for a reason... and in my head I saw it as the Lords plan. After having my second child I think less like that. I actually find myself wondering about my beliefs. I find it hard to believe in a grand plan while I am crying myself to sleep over my daughter's struggles and her future.

No one child is more special than another. To say they are makes children without struggles seem less important, somehow. My NT child is NOT less important than her sister.

chocolateiamydrug · 30/01/2018 06:45

and maybe they are a special mum to be given a special child. I am Christian and do believe our Lord has his reasons.

would you feel chosen or special of it was your child that would be severely disabled, confused?

I have heard such things before from "Christians" - but only from those with half a dozen healthy kids.

elliejjtiny · 30/01/2018 10:44

differentnameforthis I wish my 3 year old had that "special ability". He bruises like a peach and has always got several, mainly caused during meltdowns or trying to escape through the cat flap.

confused I don't know where to start. I know with my eldest it was a relief when he was diagnosed as it had been obvious to us for a long time. Also I think the special children born to special parents thing is absolute rubbish. I think it's particularly patronizing coming from someone who has healthy nt dc's.

ConfusedWife1234 · 30/01/2018 21:05

chocolate I have four non-autistic children and I am not sure how I would feel if one of my children had autism because it has not happened to me yet.
Why did I think it might be a nice thing to say. Dh has ptsd and of course that is something very different (yep, I said before, sorry if I repeat myself)... and one of the nicest things somebody ever said to me when it comes to ptsd was a man with ptsd who drank a toast to the spouses and said that the spouses are being heroes. So to speak that it needs a special person to be the spouse of a man with ptsd... it meant a whole lot to me.
But maybe it is just too different...

I just said it to be nice. I did not try to proselityze.
However I will not do it again and instead take the advice of geekymommy.

elliejjtiny · 30/01/2018 21:25

Having a partner with an illness or disability is very different to having a child with an illness or disability. My dh has autism and so does one of our dc's. I chose to be dh's wife, I didn't choose to have a DC with autism (although I knew it was likely).

ConfusedWife1234 · 30/01/2018 21:27

Actually a whole lot of people choose totally healthy men who end up ill, disabled, with ptsd whatever later in life.

elliejjtiny · 30/01/2018 21:42

Sorry, that's not what I meant. Being married to dh has been a choice all the way through. I chose to marry him 15 years ago and ever since then I have chosen to stay married to him. I knew he had autism when I married him although I appreciate that some people marry healthy people who become ill or disabled later. But when you have DC you don't choose.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2018 22:18

@elliejjtiny It's hard, isn't it? I make sure everyone we see (teachers/doc etc) knows that she self harms as I am terrified that she WILL mark herself and someone will make a safeguarding call. At least with it on file somewhere, I have proof.

geekymommy · 31/01/2018 01:50

If you believe that God or fate or whatever only gives special needs kids to people who are special enough to handle it, that’s fine. But you may not want to say this to every special needs parent you meet. A lot of them are sick of hearing stuff like that. Just like people who are seven feet tall are probably sick of hearing how tall they are. Just because you believe something is true doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to say in all situations.

Special needs parents also don’t want to hear about some miracle cure for autism (or whatever disability their kid has) that you heard about. If they do, they’ll ask you. They really are not interested in anything you think they may have done to cause their child’s disability or make it worse. A closed mouth gathers no feet. They might like to talk about a topic that is NOT their child’s disability.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 31/01/2018 13:58

I thought I was completely broken when I started this thread, nope turns out it can and has got much worse.
How do you go about making an official complaint to cahms?

OP posts:

BishopBrennansArse · 31/01/2018 15:48

Go to the CCG

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 01/02/2018 08:13

Suspected I might have to, not sure I have the energy to complain but know it's the right thing to do.

OP posts:

TheCatsPaws · 01/02/2018 08:28

I think YABU, sort of. Everyone has days where they think this but if you think it all the time, you are.

I have aspergers. I wouldn’t change it. I’d change the anxiety I get, but not aspergers itself.

KateGrey · 01/02/2018 10:51

I think the anxiety is the major issue. Not necessarily now people with asd view the world but the anxiety and rigid nature. My dd is 4 and her speech therapist yesterday stated that she finds interactions - such as something simple like handing her a visual to receive a toy so overwhelming and strsssful that she runs off. She’s very rigid, inflexible and sad a lot of the time. She’s four!

yowawewu · 01/02/2018 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 01/02/2018 11:01

CatsPaws- i do think it everyday at the minute, but then my autistic ds is pushing me down the stairs and punching me every day, he is attacking his brother everyday and he is hurting himself and is just so sad and unhappy. Maybe I won't always feel like this but right now it brings nothing but pain to everyone in our family.

OP posts:

TheCatsPaws · 01/02/2018 11:07

It’s a difficult time OP and it is understandable that when going through it, you feel this way.

I hope you are able to get support for your DS.

KateGrey · 01/02/2018 11:11

@EnglishRose1320 I know it’s not much but big hugs. We get it x

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 01/02/2018 11:52

Thanks Kate and cats paws. Have a meeting this afternoon with SS about care, both temporary and permanent which is making me quite tearful today.
DS has just got up so need to try and keep him calm ready for the meeting.

OP posts:

KateGrey · 01/02/2018 12:44

I can’t imagine how tough that would be but for the sake of you, your son and other children it might be the break you need. I hope it goes okay xx

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 07/02/2018 14:16

Urghhhhh when will things get better

OP posts:

Zoear · 11/08/2020 20:28

I feel the same my daughter is autistic spectrum is always very depressing and anxious it gets me down she does not go out anywhere and nearly a teenager nothing makes her happy always upset I have not been blessed with autistic child it is very hardwork I hope she comes out of it as nit pleasant to be around I feelike sending her to a home we’re they can deal with it as am not copeing with autistic teenager nearly I see most at her age hanging out with friends she does not have social life it makes me sad to felt this way and awful mother but I do it’s just constant stress.

Zoear · 11/08/2020 20:41

I wish I did not feel this way but I am very worried about her future she is very sad always does not do as asked most of the time trying toget her on days out Is a nightmare and simple things like getting dressed up and outof I hope it does not continue this way as I can not be doing with it for much longer I feel sorry for her and wish I could take the autism away it’s ruining her life she’s gona get left behind the worlds creaul enough as it is without a disability.

rosiejaune · 11/08/2020 21:08

YABU.

a) The effects of autism often get conflated with the effects of comorbid conditions autistic children may also have, but anything challenging always gets "blamed" on that.

b) If we lived in the society we evolved in (i.e. largely outdoors, unstructured environment etc), it would probably not be such a challenge, so it's not "the autism" (which is not some parasite that can be removed from your son's brain - he is autistic and it's an inherent part of him), but society that's the main issue.

c) Even if you don't like it, your son might have a different opinion when he grows up and becomes proud of being autistic. I get upset about my mother implying there's something wrong with me for being autistic, e.g. blaming my dad's parenting for it. It is really horrible to know that your own parent would rather you were a different person, and that is what you are asking for.

It is nothing like hating cancer, which is a disease, and not an inherent part of the person.

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