Am I being too secretive or should he trust me? Money.

[KateGrey]

My dh and I have three kids. Two have autism. I’ve not worked in 6 years because of this. My youngest also only goes to school for two hours a day. My dh has a decent job. Previously all spare money including any DLA went into my dh’s savings account. I asked that it be split between both of our savings accounts but he never got round to it (very finance savvy but badly organised). So I diverted all DLA and my carers to my personal account and put into my savings account. I update our spreadsheet monthly. But my dh isn’t happy I don’t let him go through my accounts. I also have £2k my parents gave me. Our marriage isn’t on the rocks but I’m aware I’m financially vulnerable. If things did go wrong he’d still have a job whereas I’m financially dependent on him. Am I wrong not to let him go through my accounts? The money goes to the kids therapy. I don’t go out or spend on anything really. But I suppose I know if we did split he’d be quite difficult (when this comes up about my savings account he reminds me he put in the 13k deposit for our first house- he’d lived at home and I’d gone to uni. But my parents did pay two lots of legal fees amounting over house moves to about half). He’s not financially abusive but this seems to be an issue for him. I suppose it sounds like I’m being secretive but in my mind the money isn’t mine and financially I’m vulnerable. I don’t think we’ll split up but I know that marriages where there are children with disabilities can break up.

If you split the 13k will be irrelevant.

If you are the main carer and responsible for day to day costs as well as longer term ones then obviously it should go into your account. Why would it go in his?

Sounds like you don't trust him to use it for the childrens short and long term needs.

Do you have access to go through his accounts?

If he asks and you tell him the amount then why does he need to see it for himself...that's kind of weird.

I guess I don’t see the need to show him the breakdown of accounts. I don’t comb through our joint account or demand to see his isa. Like I say he can see what’s in both accounts when I put it on our spreadsheet. I feel like I’m being told I’m not trustworthy by him.

The 2k is mine as a backup in case I need to get hold of cash if he’s injured or whatever.

Like I say he’s always been a bit tight. This way I can make the decisions for the kids without needing his okay. And I don’t see why any left over DLA should get swallowed up into his account. His mum gives up money for birthday etc and she gives it directly to him and it gets swallowed up into his isa.

It’s interesting to hear how people manage the money. I think my main thing is that I have access to cash and that I have a backup bit of cash for the kids if we need it. Hopefully we won’t ever need it. I’m more worried it’ll be him who leaves and I’ll be left with nothing.

@GabriellaMontez his salary goes into our joint account. Then anything left from that goes into his isa. Previously that would include any left over DLA which I wanted kept separately. What sits in “my” savings I class as my kids money.

He probably wouldn’t spend on what I deem necessary for the kids. But as I say to him I’m the main carer I wouldn’t go into his work and say what his company need to do. But he’s a bit odd about it all. He feels their should be more left over from the kids and essentially it feels like he wants to check what I’m spending it on. Like I say I don’t go anywhere or really do anything so the money is spent on stuff for the kids. Special shoes etc.

So prior to this your childrens DLA was going into his savings account? Where did the money dor the kids then come from? His wages or your carers?

So the DLA used to go straight into his savings account (that you don't have access to), and not the joint account (which you do have access to)? In theory there's no difference with it going straight into your savings account that he doesn't have access to. It's the same arrangement, just reversed. If he has a problem with it, surely he can see that you had the same problem with the original arrangement?

Also, when you say "Previously all spare money including any DLA went into my dh’s savings account", what does that mean? Is it a standing order on the joint account? You could go in and change that - you don't need to rely on your OH to do it. Or was it something he did manually every month? In which case I think it's very troubling that he's continued to manually transfer all the residual to his one savings account instead of splitting it between you both.

I would also open an ISA in your name and ask for the money going into the ISAs to be split between yours and his.

I think you're right to be concerned about all this. If he's not trying to rip you off, there should be no problem in splitting the money between accounts in both your names. Or if he claims it's too much work to transfer to two accounts (!), suggest he just transfer it to one in your name and see how uncomfortable that makes him. Perhaps it will help him see it from your POV...

All money should be in joint account(s). Maybe you feel the need to have acct in your name because he puts bulk of money in acct in his name. Why does he do that? Make all accts joint. It’s not hard.

My sons DLA goes into my bank. Half goes into an account for him which I use for his stuff. Half stays in mine which is essentially the bills account. The child benefit goes into his too.
The carers is mine and gets spent on clothes for me, coffee and trips the cinema etc.

The tax credits goes into mine and is essentially my contribution towards the bills and food. DH then pays me half of the total.

I wouldn't refuse to let DH look through my bank but I'd wonder why, I wouldn't explain or justify anything and I'd expect the same level of access to his.

Making all accounts joint is a rubbish idea. Everyone should have access to some money of their own that nobody else can touch.

I think he's borderline financially abusive if he even takes yours and the kids birthday money!

Fwiw I think you're totally sensible to have some money in an account he can't access in the event of a split. Even though it will have to be declared you need something for the short term if you split. I think everyone should do this tbh as you never know a person 100% and you have to be sensible and protect yourself and your kids.

He should want you both to have equal savings. The fact he doesn't and is happy to be so much better off than you is worrying and something I would find unacceptable and deeply unattractive in a partner.

Is there any way he could reduce his hours so you could at least work a bit? As he would be there to care for the children?

Isn’t Working out how much of the money is left over at the end of the month is from his salary or the DLA pretty complicated?

My instinct is that any spare DLA money should be in a separate place of its own just for spending on the children.

Ask him to lay all the cards on the table. All ISA's, joint acounts, separate savings, take a look at everything in total, get financial advice for the future on how to plan for you both. Explain to him how you feel and that you have sacrificed your career, your financial security and your future earning power and if he continues to deny you security it will drive a wedge between you. Remind him that the 6 years you have given to your family has already cost you 6 xx your previous salary, say after tax 200,000 and has cost you future earnings of 600,000 and that his 13k deposit is peanuts compared to what you have sacrificed for the family. His earnings are only possible because you don't work otherwise he would have to pay for childcare or not work. It sounds like he needs it put in perspective for him but it won't be an easy discussion. Good luck!

I’d tell him it makes sense for you to always have access to funds in your name. It is about protecting you and the dcs if anything should happen to him for starters. Also ask him to give you access to his accounts and give him info on yours. Dh and I majority joint but do have a separate savings account simply because the type of account wasn’t available in joint at the time. But it’s a good idea. I have some money in an isa. Dh has some shares. Dh and I can, if necessary log on each others bank accounts online. We have complete transparency. Your dh is being a complete arse by insisting everything is in his name. Is he being financially abusive? Probably not. Rather stingy and foolish.

Might you be entitled to careers allowance? Do you get child benefit?
It's to your advantage to claim even if they take it back in tax cos the ni credit go towards your pension.
This is typical, men want to decide what's important but you deal with consequences, know what priorities are.

An isa can only be in one person's name, not two. This makes it harder to share money that's placed into one.

As it stands we have a joint account. His wages go into that. Pays the bills etc. We both have an isa as they get the best rate. Previously all money including DLA left over would get moved into his isa. I’ll admit I’m not the most money savvy and didn’t want to be transferring money over and leaving us short and I know he’d complain if it didn’t go into his savings. So I stopped carers and DLA going into the joint and into my own account which he can’t access and then transfer any remaining into my isa. Technically aside from left over carers none of it is mine. He essentially has all the family savings. I haven’t wanted to put it into the kids account as it’s likely they won’t be independent so benefits would be means tested.

I don’t think he truly gets that I’ve had to give up a career but he couldn’t have been the one to stay at home. He’s not patient enough.

He does deem all our money family money but I suppose for me it’s a bit of a rebellion in that instead of transferring any savings into my account to move to my isa he’s just moved it to his. It makes him sound like a dick and in a way it feels a bit controlling as I don’t need to account for what I’m spending on the kids as I’m not his employee.

His hours are 8-7 and we couldn’t reduce. His earning potential now is bigger. And he makes more than I could even if he dropped some hours. Though it might give him a reality check.

I might suggest if he doesn’t have any issue with money that all the savings sit in my name to see if he’d be okay with it. I think unfortunately he was spoilt by his mum and is very alpha. His mum if very much “the little woman” and a man’s woman. Whereas I’m not. I have my opinions and they don’t always align with his.

This thread has been helpful. Thanks all.

He also doesn’t massively believe in me having life insurance. I’ve asked him to help me sort it as he’s very clever with numbers. I’m not. I asked four months ago. Its not happened and he deems it pointless though who he thinks would look after our kids (two being disabled) whilst he works I don’t know.

Sadly no child benefit as he earns over the amount. But I do get carers. DLA and carers are the only benefits we get. But I do agree with pp he’s a bit of a tight foolish arse used to always being agreed with and being right. He does have his good points though money is a bit of a sticking point.

So you don't have access to his isa?
But he wants access to your account?

It has to cut both ways. And you need to be content you have access to all his accounts too.

The savings should be in an account you can both access, not just him.

I too would have access and control to sufficient money as a basic requirement and not having this would be a deal breaker in a marriage like yours. If I think something is needed for the children I’d be very pissed off if we had the money but I couldn’t convince my dh, and I was the primary carer. I think nights and weekends you should push more childcare responsibility onto him so he has more direct experience - like at his job, experience and talent qualify you for an opinion.

Basically he's happy to have money you have no access to and not happy for you to have money he has no access to. Nope. Not OK.

Also, "He also doesn’t massively believe in me having life insurance." Carers for two DC with autism plus another DC plus housework is thousands a month. Take it from someone who used to organise this kind of care! Get life insurance. I have one DD with no major SEN and I have half a million in life insurance. He'd be utterly buggered.

Have I misunderstood, or does he really take yours and the kids birthday money and stick it in his ISA? Does he not realise that is stealing?

Have I misunderstood, or does he really take yours and the kids birthday money and stick it in his ISA? Does he not realise that is stealing?

He takes birthday money meant for you and the kids, and sticks it in his ISA? He knows that's theft right?