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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Giving my DH an altimatum.

59 replies

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 11:47

Apologies for the long message, but here goes, I have been married to my DH for 7y, we live together with my DD and DS and had fortnightly visits from my step daughters whom I think the world of. The eldest SD told me she was having problems at home, and I told her there would always be a place here for her. So last Oct, my DH received a text from her saying that she and her partner were homeless, and asked if she and him could stay with us for a while. My DH and I, talked about it and knowing how much it would mean to him I accepted, as long as rules were set down. They have to pay board and get jobs, she always has a home here, for him it would be temporary until he gets sorted. So three months in, he got a job! 5hrs a week. just earns enough to pay his board. He spends all day in bed, leaving my step daughter alone downstairs, he makes every excuse not to apply for jobs, saying that he wants a certain job that isn't available. When he does come downstairs he sits looking at his phone, he doesn't communicate. I have previously told him to leave, after many disagreements with my DH. But my DH fell out with me when his daughter decided to go with him, and said its my fault his daughter has moved out and he couldn't forgive me. So they came back. 1 month on, no change so asked my DH to give him 1 month to either find a job or find somewhere else to live. But my DH wont tell him because he doesn't want to upset his daughter. I have pointed out that its unfair on him because he's oblivious to the deadline. I cannot speak to him, I cant even look at him, he makes me so angry. I have spent most of my time in my room, and have stayed behind late at work because i don't want to see him. My DS works and pays his way, my DD is in full time education and my SD did get a job. This lazy boyfriend of hers has drove a big wedge in our family and made me and my DH have multiple arguments, I have told my DM , its him or me.

OP posts:
uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:57

I am going to speak to my DH and the bf and SD together giving the bf 1 month to get a job or find somewhere else to live.
I will also tell my DH that if he isn't in full time work or has left by that time, I will be the one to move out.
He mentioned to me that he would have to go in a hostel, if he was on his own.

OP posts:
Dysania · 13/01/2018 12:57

I worked with a lovely girl who had an unbearable boyfriend living in her parents house. They lived there for years.
He proposed there and they started planning a wedding and planning kids from the spare room. He had a very low income and lazed about.
He offered her enough little carrots to keep her from kicking him out.
Anyway, she did wise up and realise he was never going to change and he left her.
She was distraught and wasted nearly 10 years of her life wife him. Thankfully no wedding or kids ever happened.
She had no self confidence after and it took her until her late 30s to find someone and settle down.
When I worked with her I thought her parents should have acted sooner and she might have had an easier, happier life. They did facilitate it by letting them both stay in those circumstances for so long.

rothbury · 13/01/2018 12:58

What were the "problems they were having at home?" Were they around him being a selfish lazy fuckwit perchance?

It really doesn't sound like DH is on board, so I would fuck off and get somewhere for yourself and DC. Do you own or rent?

MyAimIsTrue · 13/01/2018 12:59

Please don't tell your husband in front of the boyfriend that you'll move out.

Do you really want this young man living with you even if he's working?

Snowysky20009 · 13/01/2018 13:01

Change the wi-fi password. He only gets if when he has a job. You put the new password into everyone's devices so no one but you know it.

But then I am childish like that.......

expatinscotland · 13/01/2018 13:02

I think giving him to the end of the month is reasonable.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 13:03

We rent, thankfully I am self sufficient, and my DCs will be coming with me. I think maybe he will realise that disposable income will drop dramatically for him and he wouldn't be able to support a workshy dosser for very long. If this is the case, he will have made his bed!

OP posts:
TerracottaAmy · 13/01/2018 13:04

He mentioned to me that he would have to go in a hostel, if he was on his own

then that's what he'll have to do - he's not your responsibility

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2018 13:05

First try the classical music..
Play it loud all day, when your home with the CL and no one else...
if that doesn't work....
Ask your DP if he wants a Divorce.

Tell him while you love his DD and welcome her, he has to choose between you or her boyfriend.
Tell your husband he has till 1st Feb to sort this as you feel unwelcome in your own home, this is not negotiable, and if he won't do it print the papers off online...
Tell him you will be filing for unreasonable behaviour on his part... for letting a cock lodger live with you..
Shove them under his nose, and tell him can you talk assets, as you want half the house value... his pension the lot.. also tell him you love him, and when he finally gets rid of this man child he and takes your side you might change your mind and stop the Divorce.
Because all you can do right now is frighten your DH into seeing what his lack of support is doing to you..
The only other thing is to find a DHSS placement for the CL..and pay the deposit so he can move out..

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 13:06

I don’t think you should be the one to move out. How is that fair in your children?! One of them is at school and hasn’t done anything to deserve either the current stress or the inevitable upheaval of having to live somewhere else.

If he won’t instigate some serious change then HE moves out and he can find and fund somewhere for himself, his wage earning daughter and her waste of space boyfriend.

None of this is yours or your children’s fault. None of it.

It’s sad he didn’t see more of his DD growing up but it’s totally irrelevant to the current situation. He can spend as much time with her as he wants to now, but not at the cost to you, your home life, your sanity and your DCs quality of life.

It’s been long enough and I wouldn’t trust him to do anything “in a month” as he’s done nothing to help the situation so far.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 13:08

If the truth be known I really dont want this bf living with us while he is working, but I pointed out it will be temporary and he will have to be looking for somewhere to live once he has a job. (another kettle of fish)!! I can honestly say I dont believe that this will happen.

My ultimatum for my DH will just be between us, I dont think his DD or bf need to know that, (they might not like me!! Shock)
I have been petty enough to take the wifi router to work with me when i know he is home alone Smile

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2018 13:10

Obvs I agree that the cocklodger BF needs to be gone. BUT, I will caution you to remember that if you are going to issue a true ultimatum you must be willing to accept that chances are it will fail and that you absolutely must be willing to see it through if it does. Are you truly willing to break up your home and uproot your children? If you are, fine. But if you think that your DH will fall in line with you over his daughter, think again.

Not saying that ultimatums don't ever work. I've issued one and saved my marriage. But the circumstances were very different. And I issued it after making (mental) plans for separation as I truly believed it wouldn't work.

Snowysky20009 · 13/01/2018 13:10

A friend currently has her daughters boyfriend staying, (month 5 now I believe) obviously slightly different as it's her daughter.
But she been taking him back and worth the job centre and for interviews, she bought him Christmas presents, she cooks his meals.
However in return, he does the school runs, cleans and tidies the house whilst she is in work, and child minds.
Luckily he has managed to get a job, 25 hours, but it's a start. He's paid weekly, and gives her half of his wages. She didn't ask, he volunteered for that.
She honestly doesn't know why his parents kicked him out. Because she says there, he's been brilliant to have around.

However your sd's boyfriend is definitely a prize knob. Your dh needs a good talking to aswell. Maybe show him this thread, and he will realise how unrealistic he's being.

TerracottaAmy · 13/01/2018 13:10

I have been petty enough to take the wifi router to work with me when i know he is home alone

that's not petty, that's genius!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 13:11

X post. If you’re renting then that’s different. But I still don’t think you should have to move.

I assumed you meant DH would have to go into a hostel if he moved out. Well then he won’t be able to afford the rent for your current place without you anyway. You hold all the cards and him wearing you down to get what he wants is bullshit.

1 February is plenty of notice.

The key thing is that you’re not kicking his DD out so don’t listen to anyone saying that. It’s not true. If she decides to go as well that’s her decision.

Your DH is choosing a random useless man over his lovely hardworking long suffering wife. And that’s not a good look.

BewareOfDragons · 13/01/2018 13:11

Doesn't he think his daughter deserves better?

I suspect he does. And I suspect he also recognizes that if he pushes the boyfriend to get out, she might go and stay with him out of some misguided spite, as young people often do. If he stays, where you can subtly keep pointing out how he's taking advantage of her and her family, a mooch, lazy, relying on her and her family to support him, etc, she might finally start to recognize she's dating a loser and lose him.

I get that he's hideous to live with. But you can try to enforce the ground rules: he pays his rent on time, he cleans up after himself, and he pitches in when needed. Keep on him, fairly, as you do all of them. And hope Daughter will get tired of supporting him when she's acting like a grown up and he's not.

I just hope she doesn't get pregnant by him, frankly. Then she;ll be tied to the loser forever. :(

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 13/01/2018 13:12

I would say it is a bad atmosphere for your DC and neither is it in the best interest of his DD, who sounds lovely.

HazelBite · 13/01/2018 13:13

OP is your DP aware of the fact that you are staying at work to avoid the atmosphere at home?

NobodysChild · 13/01/2018 13:15

Take care of you and your own kids. Your husband has shown that he doesn't care that his actions are causing your relationship breakdown. Your husband is more than happy to support this bum and happy that this bum doesn't do jot to support his girlfriend. You will be a lot happier removing yourself from the whole situation. As for continuing a relationship with your husband if you do leave, forget it. He hasn't got your back, he's not a man.

Snowysky20009 · 13/01/2018 13:15

I have been petty enough to take the wifi router to work with me when i know he is home alone

Excellent!

Could also try, cooking kippers each morning before you leave for work...

Bettyswitch · 13/01/2018 13:16

I think your also need to explain to your H that hes doing his daughter no favours by encouraging this relationship.

If hes happy to see his D settle for a bum then maybe your better off getting your own place as you obviously have very diffrent morals.

Personally id pack CL bags and tell him to fuck off, i can imagine he thinks your H is a prize prick allowing him to take the piss out of him for as long as he has!

KarmaStar · 13/01/2018 13:19

Hi OP
Sorry you are in this awful predicament.your home is where you are supposed to feel secure and happy,yours isn't providing that and neither is your dh.
I guess you have thought all possible solutions and moving out is the last straw.
I wouldn't do it,it's your home.not this layabouts.he knows exactly what the issue is and probably hopes you do leave so he gets an even easier ride.
Your dh needs to realise that you need support and to throw this lump out.
If his dd is old enough to live with this guy as a couple in your home then she's old enough to make the decision to live with him elsewhere and doesn't need her dd to babysit her.
Can you talk to her?
Can he go back to his parents?
You could go to the local council and confirm with them you are making him homeless and perhaps they will provide him with emergency accommodation.
Your dh must listen to you,an ultimatum is a brave thing to do but heart breaking if he chooses them.
Is this really what he wants for his dd?can he not see this lump is happy to leach off you and probably is taking your dad wages too.
You could try showing him the responses on here to see that he is being entirely unfair and encouraging this lump to sit on his backside all day.
If he found single accommodation at the YMCA or salvation army,where she couldn't actually go,then everyone would be happier?be worth a try.
I really feel for you OP,but be very careful before you lose your home especially with your own dc to care for.Flowers

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 13:20

Yes my DH is disappointed about him, Im sure if he worked, payed his way and helped out, i wouldn't be so angry about him. My older DD had her BF live with us for a while until they saved some money, they were here for two months, and I hardly saw them because they worked all hours to get the overtime to save the money, they moved into their own home are both happily married now. They did everything we asked of them, and more. I hoped we could of given my DH, DD the same opportunity, but we are not getting the same return!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 13/01/2018 13:21

Your dd wages too....

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 13:30

I will be making sure that anything i do my DCs are happy with it. If they are not we will discuss it and try to come to a compromise.

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