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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu-mother looking after dd

30 replies

Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:29

Hi

So my mum is going to be looking after DD sometimes.

Tonight I mentioned that we do shout at her or smack her and provide some thought around what to should DD misbehave.

Mum just called saying she is annoyed I would even suggest she would smack my child. I explained that I would say this to anyone looking after DD and that she had previously suggested that we give her a smack on the hand. Mum wasn’t shy is smacking me, so much so I can remember it quite clearly.

Aibu by mentioning this to my mother? Should I have just assumed she would never smack DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:30

Sorry this should say we do NOT smack

OP posts:
Callamia · 12/01/2018 19:31

There’s a vital ‘not’ missing here isn’t there?

Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:32

Ha ha yes, we do not smack or shout 😋

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Applesandpears23 · 12/01/2018 19:33

I had a similar conversation with my mother and received the rather confusinf response "of course I wouldn't smack her, she is much too young". So now I am left wondering if I need to repeat the conversation at intervals.

BigBaboonBum · 12/01/2018 19:33

Oh I was confused then! And some parents are in denial about how they raised us

Callamia · 12/01/2018 19:33

Phew...

I don’t know. Some of our parents did smack and shout (mine did), but I don’t think they’d do either with their grandchildren. I don’t think I’d have to tell them that either - they know what’s acceptable, and I think they usually felt bad on the occasions that they did use harsh discipline with us.

I don’t think I’d have a stand-off about it now, but it was fine for you to tell your mum how you do socialise your own child.

MikeUniformMike · 12/01/2018 19:34

I was a bit alarmed at how open you were about the shouting and smacking.

BendingSpoons · 12/01/2018 19:35

Did you think she might smack her? I'd never say that to my mum because there's no way my mum would smack. It might be worth phrasing it the other way round e.g. when DD misbehaves we do xyz, letting you know to help/so we can be consistent.

Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:36

I now feel that I am unable to have a conversation with her about how we raise our DD without running the risk of an angry response. I am already quite nervous about it however was willing to give it a go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:37

You mean cause I left out the vital ‘dont’

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Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:38

A bit late now to rephrase :(

Mum has suggested to me previously we should be giving her a smack on the hand and she certainly wasn’t shy in the 1980s of the slipper and belt!

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NerrSnerr · 12/01/2018 19:43

If you’re at all concerned that she might smack your daughter then she can’t look after her. Shouting is harder to judge because what constitutes shouting? And sometimes shouting may be required if doing something dangerous.

Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 19:45

Yes I did say we only shout if it is about something dangerous or potentially harmful

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notanurse2017 · 12/01/2018 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 19:48

As a dm I have been known to smack my dc in the past, I wouldn't smack my dgs as he isn't my dc. End of.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2018 19:51

I agree your mum should know your methods and absolutely stand firm on the No Smacking aspect.

But you can't micromanage how she deals with your DD when you're not there. She can't second guess herself over every reaction or wonder what you might do in each circumstance.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2018 19:51

Sorry- posted too soon.

Either you trust her to care for your DD or you don't.

ElphabaTheGreen · 12/01/2018 19:52

It's a tough one, because it does sound like you've discussed the issue before when she suggested smacking, at which time I presume your response was along the lines of 'when hell freezes over' rather than something more non-committal.

Did she think you were belabouring the point perhaps?

moita · 12/01/2018 19:52

I don't think you were wrong to raise it. Both myself and my DH were smacked as children but I 100% trust that neither my parents or my mil would smack my son.

llangennith · 12/01/2018 20:00

When DGD (now 14) was born my DD said she and her DH didn’t agree with smacking and she thought she’d better mention it to me as generally my generation smacked and indeed I had smacked my children. I agreed with her and was quite happy to be told.
I regret smacking my DC but it was what we did then.

Wyrdesista · 12/01/2018 20:05

As long as she keeps to her word everything is ok,do you trust her?

Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 20:09

I mentioned just casually as a btw, no big deal made of it or anything.

I suppose I am now just nervous to discuss childcare incase she takes exception to it and I feel I need to be able to do that to feel comfortable. I accept that she may do her own thing but things like smacking, sugar and shouting are big no-no for me

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ppeatfruit · 12/01/2018 20:09

IIWM I would talk to my dm about how you felt when she smacked you and (how it made you feel) and how you would never do it to your dcs. Also that you wouldn't expect her to do it.

My parents didn't smack us, in the 50s btw. they were unusual though.

echt · 12/01/2018 20:11

YANBU and your mum most definitely is. She's already suggested that your DD should be hit and has form for repeatedly hitting you with belt and slipper as a child. How much plainer could she be?

One could speculate as to her feelings of denial/guilt, but frankly, who cares? It's the behaviour that counts.

You've said what you don't want, so leave it now until she brings it up again, which judging form her miffed response, she will. Then will be the time to remind her what she has said and done in the past.

Original poster
Baubles22 · 12/01/2018 20:16

Yes I do trust her although she was an old school parent in the 1980s and I just feel /felt that maybe I need to drop a few things into the conversation (in a nice way) that we do not follow some of those practices!

She had previously assured me that she would follow my lead such as the no sugar however has taken offence at the smacking comment

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