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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing the birth

74 replies

Jellyjam13 · 12/01/2018 18:24

Aibu to be upset that my inlaws are planning to book a last minute holiday which will mean they miss the birth of the new grandchild and are not bothered about it whatso ever they can go away at any time but choose to do this and say dont care about missing it they can see the baby when they are back!

OP posts:

WombOfOnesOwn · 12/01/2018 21:23

I'm just chiming in as part of the chorus saying that I would have given my eyeteeth for this. If I had the money, maybe I'd send my PIL and my own DM and DF for a nice, long holiday right around my due date. It'd take so much stress off!

I know it's nice to have help, but mothers-in-law are often worse help than you'd think. Mine thought it was great to help DH and would hold DS, and would even bring a dish, but was not particularly helpful for any of my own needs (nor did she ask, perhaps out of embarrassment). Myself, I'd like to be well past the "won't you excuse me, I think I'm passing a huge clot" phase of postpartum before anyone of the older generation shows up in my home!

Sisinisawa · 12/01/2018 21:26

My in laws did this. At the time I was really upset.
Three years on I'd forgotten till I read this thread.
Op I understand you're hurt but don't dwell on it.

blackteasplease · 12/01/2018 21:29

Sounds a good thing!

goose1964 · 12/01/2018 21:35

I missed the birth of my 3rd grandson despite being home as they live hundreds of miles away and DiL had a C-section so we waited until she was on her feet. We have them staying ATM and zIve just shared a pudding with him.I don't think them being away is a problem as I assume you will be able to phone them with the news,if of course baby comes on time

SockQueen · 12/01/2018 22:26

My parents were away when DS was born - gone to watch my sister, who lived abroad, run a marathon. To be fair, it was 2 weeks after my due date so everyone thought he would have arrived by then, and they were more upset than I was to miss his actual arrival! But they saw him when they came back, when he was 5 days old, and all was fine.

JediStoleMyBike · 12/01/2018 22:37

Unless they've offered to take care of the other kids then it's also a little unreasonable just to expect it. I mean, I would offer as a PIL but you can't just assume they are of the same mind really.

givemesteel · 12/01/2018 22:55

Bit of a drip feed OP, I think they are being unreasonable if they had agreed to look after other dc and now they've left you in the lurch with childcare during the birth, which your second post suggests?

Original poster

Jellyjam13 · 13/01/2018 07:34

Ok thanks for the responses just to clear up some stuff im not upset as i expect the world n everyones lifes to stop because i am having a baby no,
Its the fact that its been said that they dont care, if they are away fair enough but not need to say they donr care about missing it, which maybe was just the wrong term to use but did come across as hurtful, also we rely on them for nothing and dont expect that they should be here to look after our children, they approached us and our kids to say they will sleep over with them during the time and being very insitant with organising plans , they have been telling the kids how much fun they will have when they go there. But im not insisting tgey cancel or making an issue with them for going i am accepting of this, i just think its a bit upsetting on the manner they have took with the situation personally i wouldnt have went to them first but they came to us with all these offers to help tge other thing that iss a bit upsetting is that we would love them to be here to be one of the first to meet our son but thats just because they mean a lot to us not because wer selfish

OP posts:

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 13/01/2018 07:43

I would have bloody loved it if my ex’s parents had done this instead of invading my home, told me all the stuff I did badly and then one scary day sneaked into the bedroom where week old DD and I were having a nap and taken her out for a fucking walk without mentioning it! Blood still runs cold when I think about waking up and her not being next to me

So yeah wave the inlaws off on holiday to have a lovely time and you concentrate on bonding with your beautiful new baby

Tink2007 · 13/01/2018 07:44

Oh god I would have loved this with my first instead of my MIL saying she would be waiting in the car park the whole time 😬

MsHopey · 13/01/2018 07:47

I had the day of my 1st baby's c section booked. It happened to be on my mom's birthday, she went away for a week because it was her birthday.
I was a bit to be honest, but my little one is 6 months old now and I don't really think about it, just when I see threads like this.
It's not the end of the world if you have a good support system at home xx

MsHopey · 13/01/2018 07:48

Urgh, sorry for the kisses. That's embarrassing. Texting OH at the same time, that's my only excuse

smeerf · 13/01/2018 07:49

If the in laws promised to take care of the other children during the birth, and then suddenly changed plans and booked a month long holiday away then the OP is not being unreasonable.

Can your parents help? I agree with other posters that it's usually the mother's parents that are most involved at the birth.

LittleWitch · 13/01/2018 07:54

Oh god, I'm going to find myself the subject of a thread on here aren't I? DS1 and DDiL are expecting their first baby in a few weeks. DH and I have a holiday booked (booked before we knew about the pregnancy) and, assuming all goes to plan, will arrive back a day or two before the due date. Obviously if she has the baby a little early, we won't be here.

It never occurred to me that I should have cancelled my holiday in order to hover at the delivery room door, so now I'll expect to be the MiL from hell .

No other DC to need minding however, so maybe we'll get away with it.

Bluedoglead · 13/01/2018 07:54

My partner wasn’t even there when I had my son he was on deployment and my boy had to come out early.

I can’t see why it’s such a big deal you’re not going to have your in laws in the delivery room are you?

It sounds a bit like you’re annoyed they won’t be there to help with the others and that’s understandable but a bit unfair.

They have itbernchikdren and grandchildren they want to see and it’ll give you some time to recover etc before they are wanting to see the baby.

Good luck.

DwangelaForever · 13/01/2018 08:03

Maybe they want to give you space. I wish my in father in law would have done this, he came to the hospital as the nurse got me out of bed for the first time after my c section, cue a river of blood streaming down my leg and all over the hospital floor 😶

Original poster

Jellyjam13 · 13/01/2018 08:08

Thanks for replies guys

OP posts:

Sarahh2014 · 13/01/2018 08:09

My MIL did this.I was a bit at first when she told me then thought well I don't like you anyway so win win

MrsDilber · 13/01/2018 08:18

Yabu if it's for childcare reasons. They have their own lives to live, a month away means it's a significant deal to them. They shouldn't put off their month long trip to look after your kids.

Angrybird123 · 13/01/2018 08:28

Why are so many people not reading beyond the OP when they post? She's said that the issue is the promised childcare for the older DCs not that she expects them kneeling outside the delivery room with offerings of gold, frankincense and myrhh!! Basically ILs have offered / promised something and included the older dcs in the plans and are now changing them without consultation. On that basis OP YANBU.

Rowgtfc72 · 13/01/2018 08:32

Fil and mil went to Egypt three weeks before sil baby was born(first grandchild). They did this so they would be back for the birth. Unfortunately baby arrived three weeks early and they were gutted when the news was broken to them.
Equally unfortunately, I went into labour three weeks early five days after this, and they missed the second grandchild too.
Don't think gutted covered it!

Leigha3 · 13/01/2018 14:26

Due dates are really unpredictable, bit much to expect anyone besides the father ofc to put things on hold for you til you've given birth. They may have found a really good deal and felt like you'd appreciate not being overwhelmed immediately with family.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2018 15:54

Having seen your update re them previously offering childcare, I am inclined to change my mind and say yanbu to be put out by this. However there’s not much that can be done now.

Original poster

Jellyjam13 · 13/01/2018 16:29

Yes whats done is done and its fine in the grand scheme of things its just rather that they hadnt offered and made a big deal of things that they wanted to do as i wouldnt have actually asked them as my parents did want to have the kids an are of course reliable although the help is obviously appreciated but to drop it all a week or so prior is kinda what am so unhappy about. Lots of different angles but its not that we need them their help would b amazing but it isnt about us NEEDING the childcare its the whole kinda way they built it up n took over n then just duped all the premade plans which was infact their idea. Anyhow we have all sorted and was gr8 to have other peoples opinions although maybe my explanation of the situation wasnt so clear .

OP posts:

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