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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing the birth

74 replies

Jellyjam13 · 12/01/2018 18:24

Aibu to be upset that my inlaws are planning to book a last minute holiday which will mean they miss the birth of the new grandchild and are not bothered about it whatso ever they can go away at any time but choose to do this and say dont care about missing it they can see the baby when they are back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyjam13 · 12/01/2018 18:40

They will b away about a month or so also have other children which we would really need the extra help with them as we dont have a lot of help were we are its not like its bn planned well in advance its bn planned at a time were they know whats going on amd they have already been promising to the children for them.to sleep over for that time also my husband is particularly upset that they are still deciding to go anyway

OP posts:
Hillbillyhotel · 12/01/2018 18:42

I would have loved this!

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 18:42

Just means you won't ever have to prioritise them doesn't it!?

Allthewaves · 12/01/2018 18:42

Sorry yabu.

MonumentalAlabaster · 12/01/2018 18:42

My DD3 came 2 weeks early and my DH wasn't even there - away on business on the other side of the world. My sister came into the labour with me and was brilliant (she's a GP and had had 3 births of her own).

Giving birth does not mean everything else stops for you.

PuppyMonkey · 12/01/2018 18:47

OP - do you mean they've promised to help look after your other children while you're giving birth and recovering, and now they're buggering off on holiday instead? Your last post is a big hard to understand.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/01/2018 18:52

I'm going to go against the grain and say.
I think it is a bit lousy of them. Not to be little miss contrary but because I genuinely think it is. There are 52 weeks in the year and they choose the week you're giving birth or due to give birth to go away.

HazelBite · 12/01/2018 18:53

Good Lord, you lucky thing, it will give you some breathing space after the birth, believe me there is nothing worse than loads of visitors wanting to pass a baby around!
They are doing a really nice thing, and I'm sure that they will bring the baby a super present with them when they return.

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2018 18:55

In laws. Always in the wrong. They're probably under the impression that they have lives beyond hovering quietly in the wings hoping you'll give them a job.

PuppyMonkey · 12/01/2018 18:55

Yes particularly unreasonable if they've previously said they'd have the other kids.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/01/2018 18:55

Are they your in laws, because my instincts tell me that if it were their daughter giving birth they'd be around. RIghtly or wrongly gps are always closer to their daughter children and more excited about their birth

NerrSnerr · 12/01/2018 18:57

RIghtly or wrongly gps are always closer to their daughter children and more excited about their birth

Not always at all. Definitely not in my case and I’m sure many others.

Bananarama12 · 12/01/2018 18:58

Why does their life have to revolve around you having a baby?? YABU

NinaNoSleep · 12/01/2018 19:00

My parents went abroad too, the day after by DS was born.

JemWash · 12/01/2018 19:02

So what. They can see the baby when they get back.
I never understand posts like this. I had twins in another country, just me and DH, we've never had family around or babysitters/childcare. It amazes me that people expect so much from relatives, expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

MissDuke · 12/01/2018 19:03

My dd was early and in neonatal for a period of time. It was a juggle with having two other children at home. My husband rang his mum to say they were allowed to visit in the unit at a certain time and she said her and fil were heading to their holiday home for a few days. I was a bit Hmm because dh was disappointed. But really I know they have to get on with their lives.

OP I don't think there is much you can do - I hope you can get others to help with childcare Flowers

JeremiahBackflip · 12/01/2018 19:16

My in laws were away, 3 week holiday booked after they knew the due date so they were still aeay when baby born 2wks late. They didn't answer the first call to let them know as it was "too early" (baby born 4.30am, DH phoned them around 7.30am). They knew i was being induced. Still not that bothered to find out if I'd had the baby.

Second child, not that bothered by it all either.

I was annoyed the first time round as they didn't even say when they would come over after baby was born. They had to be pushed into it a fortnight later (too soon after their holiday...)

Second child they visited at 3 months old.

It did hurt both times. I'd hoped they would be interested but they weren't really, not outwardly anyway. I wanted them to visit earlier for them because I thought they might have wanted to.

Anyway. OP YANBU for wanting them to see baby asap. But some folk just don't want to or see the need to and you can't make them different.

RowenasDiadem · 12/01/2018 20:02

It's a little sad that they don't feel the need to see their first grandchild as soon as he/she is born. I understand how this is upsetting to you.

My own mother decided to book a last minute holiday for the week I was due to give birth to my second child. Whilst that was her prerogative and she had a grandchild already, she had agreed to be our childcare for the birth! Our only other option would have been DH staying home with DD1 while I gave birth all alone with strangers. I was really hurt that my mum prioritised a holiday over us. DH would have been heartbroken to have missed his own child's birth.
Thankfully I went 6 days over and she was back in time.

LoveShouldBeALockedDoor · 12/01/2018 20:07

YABVU but I'm very very biased and would have loved nothing more than for my MIL to fuck off, especially during the birth of my first. She was sitting in the waiting room for hours so she could get a hold of my DD. I was strong enough the second time around to tell her to go home and relax - we would come to her when we were ready. Instead she tried to distrupt the plans I had made for my DD and decided to "help" by staying in our home and treating the place like a hotel.
I can remember when me and my DS finally left the hospital to be greeted with a load of mess and chaos because we wouldn't let her have her own way.
Be grateful OP. It could be worse, you could have a MIL like mine.

Gatehouse77 · 12/01/2018 20:09

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - it's up to them. All of mine were home births and we had no need for extra help. Older ones were either asleep or DH was with them. I am aware that I had very straightforward labours and delivery though.

If you know you need help then I would suggest you put that in place rather than fretting over your in-laws decision. You need to accept their choice and now make yours own based on the new information.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 12/01/2018 20:15

YABU if having another baby was contingent on parents in law helping with existing children.

And tbh while I would have been a little bit miffed, it would seem that the general consensus on MN is that only the maternal grandmother is allowed the new baby for at least a month and then must never expect anything other than to do the boring bits and housework (only partly joking!)

frenchknitting · 12/01/2018 20:17

I initially didn't care when my inlaws did this - but then DC was in neonatal and I think they deeply regretted it. I would come away from his bedside to find 10 frantic answerphone messages from them, and they were in a poor signal area so they never answered when we called back. It was the last thing I needed at the time, and also horrible for them.

When I had DC2 they made sure they were around to babysit, which I was greatful for, as I was in hospital for a week.

So, yes, they have the right to do what they like. But it would be nice if they stayed to help you out.

ArnoldBee · 12/01/2018 20:21

My parents missed my graduation and dc2s birth as they were on holiday- they don't actually go that often. I have to say that 5 years later my dad has brought up dc2 beautifully - he does all our childcare. Everyone else fell sway once the new born baby excitement had run it's course so i think they've done more than their bit!

altiara · 12/01/2018 20:25

Maybe they’ve read mumsnet and thought we’re not allowed near the baby for 2 weeks so we’ll go away then and be back in time for when visitors are allowed. Seriously there are loads of threads like this!

If they had definitely agreed to look after the other DC, did you/DH not remind them what they’d agreed to? Are you sure it wasn’t just a “we want to have DCs over for a sleepover at some point”?

Flisspaps · 12/01/2018 20:47

You could be 2 weeks late, they could be back before you have the baby - yes, you'd like help with your other DC but they're not your ILs responsibility.