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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To check dds phone and do I challenge her on stupid lies?

51 replies

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 11/01/2018 23:29

Following a previous incident I regular check dds phone. I don't want to go into massive of details but let's just say I have really good cause to do so. She is a young teen with a long journey so needs a phone but was putting herself in a position where she was lying about where she was and who she was with and hanging out with the really wrong crowd.

She is not aware that I check. She was a smart ass when she did know and locked everything down so I could get on nothing. I managed to find out her password.

My issue is she makes up stupid lies to her friends about me.

Some are really daft.
I. E - She made cakes and I wouldn't let her have any or she made cakes but I've ate all but two - I made scones not her and there were loads left
My Mum insists I am at school for 7.10am and will ring me to make sure.
My Mum is doing x just so she can piss me off. (I'm not doing a course)
My Mum won't let me have people over.
My Mum won't let me go to X toy shop (where messaging friend goes) cause she says I'm too old. My Mum calls me a baby if I do.

But some of it is more serious than that and she caused upset last year with some really quite awful lies but it's all bullshit.

I've challenged her before on this and she says her friends hate their Mum's and she wants to fit in but some of the lies she makes up could get me in trouble!

She's also lying to my face about hanging around with certain people when it's clear she is.

So would you keep quiet and keep checking, stop checking or challenge on what you have found and risk her hiding stuff more.

OP posts:

pastabest · 11/01/2018 23:37

Well it's hardly wild and dangerous stuff is it?

I may be misunderstanding but most if it seems like using you as an excuse to get out of doing stuff she isn't happy doing or trying to fit in.

It's pretty normal for teenagers to think their parents are highly unreasonable and moan about them to friends.

I might be slightly hurt if it was untrue (actually scratch that I would probably laugh and not think much more of it) but that kind of messaging wouldn't be leading me to feel like I needed to be quite so intrusive anyway.

I'm all for phone spot checks too help teens keep themselves safe. But this just seems a bit like eavesdropping.

pastabest · 11/01/2018 23:40

Ah I missed the line where you said that she has said some stuff that has got you into trouble previously?

What kind of stuff?

blueskypink · 11/01/2018 23:44

most if it seems like using you as an excuse to get out of doing stuff she isn't happy doing or trying to fit in.

^^ This

some of the lies she makes up could get me in trouble!

What sort of things?

Bambamber · 11/01/2018 23:44

The lies you've listed above are really a non-issue and just sounds like a young immature teen playing hard done by to her mates, probably for attention or as you say, to fit in. Obviously more serious stuff that can get you in trouble is not on.

I don't think challenging her will help much as she doesn't sound very close to you so it won't encourage her to come to you and open up and you do risk her trying to hide more stuff from you.

Original poster

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 11/01/2018 23:44

No it's not Pasta. As I said though that's not the reason that I spot check her phone. I spot check because she has done things which could have left her in an unsafe position and resulted in me having to engage with outside support.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 11/01/2018 23:47

I don't check my teenagers' phones personally. They would see it as a huge breach of trust and would stop talking to me, which would frighten me a lot more than whatever nonsense I gained from snooping on them.

If she has been telling serious, destructive lies then I would be wondering why. Is your relationship generally good? Has anything happened to upset her?

CharizMa · 11/01/2018 23:48

Some of those lies are a shield for her.

She has kept friends at a distance. She doesn't have to invite them over because it's not allowed. She gets to school early because YOU insist. The thing with the cakes is egging the pudding. But I really wouldn't worry at all. She is clearly using u as a reason to be good/early/not have people round. Maybe she lacks the confidence to say ''no that doesn't work for me'' but like you say she's a young teen. I have a young teen girl as well and tbh I'd barely be bothered about this.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/01/2018 23:51

Pick your battles. Let a "stupid lie" (your words) go, and keep your powder dry for something that puts her safety at risk.

Sorry to sound critical, but there's a difference I think between checking her phone and invading her privacy, and you're at a real risk of stepping over that line. I would imagine she'd be very angry if she discovered what you're doing, so if you blow your own cover, I'd expect her to put more stringent codes on to keep you out. Which you don't want.

Ideally, I'd suggest you want to be more open about checking her phone. So she knows you're doing it. Your post makes me feel quite uncomfortable, although it depends on how young a young teen is.

CharizMa · 11/01/2018 23:52

I'd let her continue to use you as an excuse to ''hide behind'' for now. It clearly is a bit of a crutch. She feels conflicted, needing an excuse not to go to a toy shop etc...

I'd ignore the lies, like a pp says, I don't read my dd's messages because I'm sure three quarters of it is inane but she works hard and doesn't drink and she has a couple of good friends who are good people. I'd bring up with her how you found school hard cos there was pressure to be independent, pressure to pretend to be wilder than you were etc... Let her know that you understand that it's a fine line to walk. And it is!!

iggleypiggly · 11/01/2018 23:53

You have every right to check her phone. Mine know we can look at any time. We pay the bill and they are young and impressionable. It doesn’t affect our relationship with them in the slightest. I think they are more careful about what they say and share. If the lies are worse than what you posted here then I think you need to address the issue.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/01/2018 23:53

and I agree with every word CharizMa said.

Original poster

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 11/01/2018 23:55

Sorry x post. Don't want to go into full details.
We used to be very close until she hit teens.
She's lied about things relating to her Dad stabbing furniture and doors which resulting in me being called in by the head. (he doesn't even live with us nor do we see him)

She's lied that she isn't allowed friends and no one can see the house (again called into head)

She's lied about where she is saying she was on her way home from school and turned up three hours later.

She's added people she doesn't know and talked to them even adding one as her boyfriend.

She sets up email addresses and social media on friends phones.

She got herself in a load of crap involved with another quite dominating teen in school last year which resulted in safeguarding at school being involved.

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/01/2018 00:00

As others have said, many of those “lies” are just a teens way of safely drawing boundaries with their friends.

LemonysSnicket · 12/01/2018 00:02

TBF some of the lies sound like a way of getting out of things so that she doesn’t get socially hurt.eg, not allowed people round - she probably doesn’t want them round but can’t excuse it herself as would seem like a bitch.
I did the same when I was young.
Some are weird.

Original poster

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 12/01/2018 00:03

In regards to the boundaries thing.
That is true in some cases I think.
But actually in other cases she will say my Mum says I have to be at x play by y times (lie) so I will just tell her that I am at z place and go where you want without her knowing when I wouldn't have objected to her going to that place anyway.

OP posts:

lostinspaceyetagain · 12/01/2018 00:08

Have you asked the school for a referral to counselling or CAMHs?

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 00:09

I know this won't be a popular opinion and I don't mean to be critical, but I think you need to renegotiate your boundaries with her and try ad establish a new kind of trust, now that she is older.

If you sat her down and explained that now she is a teenager and needs a bit more responsibility and independence, you won't be checking her phone without her permission or invading her privacy, you will be trusting her to manage that side of her life by herself. And in exchange for that extension of trust, you would like her to try really hard to be honest and straightforward with you and others, and to talk to you like adults do, when she has a problem or needs support.

It works in my family. But I know others feel differently.

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 00:11

I can remember lying for the sake of it to my mum (and about her) because I resented the intrusive and possessive way she behaved. I needed to carve out a space for myself which she couldn't control.

I'm not saying you are intrusive, OP. But I thought my experience might be helpful

iggleypiggly · 12/01/2018 00:12

greensleeves teenage children are not responsible enough to manage their online world without some input and help. Maybe if you did check your children’s phones you would be shocked. The children who’s parents have no input on their social media or checking how they are behaving online are the worst.

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 00:14

igglypiggly my children talk to me, a lot. They both came to me about the recent Logan Paul video, for example. I'm not completely detached or disinterested and I'm not naive. I just respect their privacy and trust them as young people who need their own space.

iggleypiggly · 12/01/2018 00:18

My children have space and a level of privacy. They show me the horrendous bullying in group messages. Ask fm hideous website, girls that have sent nudes that have been spread around, it’s a scary world. I’m glad your children are responsible enough to manage the big wide world without parental input. I don’t snoop or pry but they know I can access if I require therefore their online behaviour is far better than their peers.

Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 00:18

Agree with others.

It sounds like she's using you as an excuse to get out of things. Is she a quieter girl then her friends? So maybe using these lies as a way of fitting in, without doing certain things or going to particular places.

Please don't tell her you've looked at her phone. She will not trust you again. Just try and build up the relationship between you both, so that she doesn't need to tell these lies. For example, you said she Told her friends she's told you she was going x place because you wouldn't let her go to y place. You said you would have allowed her.

So let her trust you and she will tell you she wants to go there.

Original poster

Upshitcreeknopaddle · 12/01/2018 00:20

Yes waiting for camhs.
Greensleeves I have honestly tried that. I thought my kid was a lovely girl who had a good understanding of Internet safety and how to keep herself safe.
What I actually found last year was she couldn't keep herself safe at all!

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 00:21

I agree it's a scary world out there and the whole issue of kids online is so new, none of us really knows whether we are handling it right or not. I'm not going to say that I'm definitely right and you're wrong. We're all doing what we think is best. For me, the most frightening scenario is that they shut me out, that they stop talking to me and trusting me because there's an "us and them" dynamic between us and they feel they have to cover their tracks because I'm spying on them. That seems like inviting disaster to me.

iggleypiggly · 12/01/2018 00:25

But you are their parent... they are young, immature and impressionable. I think you would be mortified if you saw exactly what goes on and the situations these children get into. From day 1 of having phones the rules are clear, no phones in room over night, we can access at any time (rarely happens) we have absolute trust and they tell me so much, I end up being a sounding board for them and their friends. They are children, I am an adult. They need protecting.

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