To check dds phone and do I challenge her on stupid lies?

[Upshitcreeknopaddle]

Following a previous incident I regular check dds phone. I don't want to go into massive of details but let's just say I have really good cause to do so. She is a young teen with a long journey so needs a phone but was putting herself in a position where she was lying about where she was and who she was with and hanging out with the really wrong crowd.

She is not aware that I check. She was a smart ass when she did know and locked everything down so I could get on nothing. I managed to find out her password.

My issue is she makes up stupid lies to her friends about me.

Some are really daft.
I. E - She made cakes and I wouldn't let her have any or she made cakes but I've ate all but two - I made scones not her and there were loads left
My Mum insists I am at school for 7.10am and will ring me to make sure.
My Mum is doing x just so she can piss me off. (I'm not doing a course)
My Mum won't let me have people over.
My Mum won't let me go to X toy shop (where messaging friend goes) cause she says I'm too old. My Mum calls me a baby if I do.

But some of it is more serious than that and she caused upset last year with some really quite awful lies but it's all bullshit.

I've challenged her before on this and she says her friends hate their Mum's and she wants to fit in but some of the lies she makes up could get me in trouble!

She's also lying to my face about hanging around with certain people when it's clear she is.

So would you keep quiet and keep checking, stop checking or challenge on what you have found and risk her hiding stuff more.

If you tell her or if she somewhat finds out you've been through her phone then she'll never trust you Or tell you the truth again.. most teens behave this way. My mum never knew half the truth of where I was or what I was doing ..

OP I wish you lots of luck. It’s such a difficult time for these teens. I hope cahms can give you lots of support and help

upshitcreek
I'd be concerned too about some of those lies. Do you know who she's seeing when she lies about where she is and turns up three hours late?
Is she telling the truth about the person 'she does't know' she's adding as 'boyfriend'?
It's normal for teenagers to want to distance themselves and make stuff up to fit in with their peers but these couple of things would worry me too. No advice really except to be receptive and non-judgmental rather than confrontational if you possibly can.

The person she added as her boyfriend was definitely not in the UK. I could see his profile.
When she turned up late she had said she was on her way home but actually she had gone shopping with a friend. Again I would have let her go if I had known. Instead she kept lying about the bus getting later and later and then she was on the bus but didn't turn up on it at home then admitted she was still in town. She knows fully well if she had said Mum can I go to town after school with Y I would have said sure and given her money if I had it for a treat.

upshitcreek
The person she added as her boyfriend was definitely not in the UK. I could see his profile.
When she turned up late she had said she was on her way home but actually she had gone shopping with a friend. Again I would have let her go if I had known. Instead she kept lying about the bus getting later and later and then she was on the bus but didn't turn up on it at home then admitted she was still in town. She knows fully well if she had said Mum can I go to town after school with Y I would have said sure and given her money if I had it for a treat.

Yanno, this is immensely reassuring. She is doing normal stuff, not hanging out with pimps or people on drugs. Relax.

But maybe gently give her the message that she doesn't need to lie to you because you won't judge or be angry if she tells you the truth. It will take a while, as she obviously doesn't trust you right now, and why should she.

Teenagers are weird - as you are finding out. As long as she's not up to things that will place her in unsafe environments just keep shtumm but keep checking her phone every now and then.

Like other pp's I think she is saying "My mum wont let me.....do this, that or the other" as a safety net. She obviously does not want to do the things her friends are asking (Teens get very uncomfortable or embarrassed by the most ridiculous things....) and is using her mum as an excuse.

The teenage years sure aint easy!

@Upshitcreeknopaddle I've no idea what is best but just wanted to send you a hug. It's so tough. My dd is going through CAMHS too.

Our dd knows we pay for her phone on the understanding we can check it any time we want. We do not check it often. She is 13. If she wants to check my phone any time, she can. I do respect her privacy but for me a phone is not the same as a diary etc.

You've mentioned some fairly innocent lies she's said but also some much more serious issues that are not in the opening post.

I think you can update CAMHS if things are worsening and ask for your appointment to be brought forward. You could ask CAMHS for advice on how to cope with things.

There is always a risk when you say you will check a phone, that hings will be hidden. But I think if you are not honest about checking it, then you can't easily actually speak to her about what you find.

Greensleeves "For me, the most frightening scenario is that they shut me out..." I totally agree. But I do think young people can shut their parents out for any reason, any perceived slight. I've definitely tried to keep communication open with my child but it is not easy.

As well as the whole CAMHS thing and the phone @Upshitcreeknopaddle can you find ways to connect with your dd aside from that?

I've found it tough but sometimes my dd does want to show me things, on line, usually that she finds hilarious (which are very boring) so I've got to try and be interested! And I do. Any interest in films, make up, clothes, I'm trying to make the connection.

There are books and websites about keeping kids safe on line, maybe someone will share some things that could help.

Lastly, I know that teens are all so different. My dd is quite young for 13, some others may be only 12 but streets ahead of my dd in some areas. As the parent you know your child best.

OP if you do want to check her phone you could always say you will do it in future, and not say you've done it already.

I know that is a lie, but I don't think you have to be brutally honest with her if you think it will damage the relationship. But in future I would try and be honest about things like this and model an expectation of honestly from her.

If she were to get into any kind of trouble or situation, being known as someone who lies a lot would make the whole thing a lot harder.

I think only you know the full picture and maybe you could get some advice where you can disclose any things that worry you, maybe from school if they have anyone employed for student welfare.

The fact you want her to go out with friends and have a nice time is so great. She does seem to want to paint you as the baddie. I wonder if in her mind this is a way of excusing anything she wants to do, or making herself feel better (but about what I have no idea!)

I just put "checking teenagers phones" into Google and this is what I got...

www.teensafe.com/blog/monitor-childs-phone/

www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/family/would-you-check-your-childs-8552830

This was the one I think maybe most helpful...

www.empoweringparents.com/article/teens-and-privacy-should-i-spy-on-my-child-plus-the-4-tactics-kids-use-when-they-get-caught/

I especially like this bit...

"“Why Should I Tell My Child if I’m Spying?”
Many parents will ask, “Why should I tell him I’m going to do it? He’ll only hide it outside of the house.” But that’s not your problem as a parent. Your responsibility is to be up front and clear. If he hides it outside of the house, he hides it outside of the house—remember, after the first time you find something, he’s going to hide it outside the house anyway. That’s his choice. But you’re making the rules in your house and I think you should be very clear and open about that. Make sure there are no secrets and it’s all up front before you start checking your child’s room, backpack, and computer. It’s important that you keep your integrity as an honest person intact. You can say something like, “You’ve lost my trust and I’m going to start checking on you more often. I’m doing this because I love you, want you to be safe, and I’m just not going to let you do this in our home.”

Whatever you do, all the best.

Phew sorry that is long!

I’d be concerned too and want to reassure my dd that she is accepted and can be honest with you. The first set of lies seem more like white lies. The rest not so much so. And the frequency and ease with which she’s lying is alsl concerning. If she’s not careful, she’s setting herself up for a complete fantasy world, which once she’s more autonomous may massively back fire. I also don’t think you should tell her you’ve read anything up to now. It would be a conversation to talk about doing it in the future. Imagine if she continues in this same vein and she’s assaulted or even raped. The fear I’d have is one will believe her.

@Mummyoflittledragon "The fear I’d have is one will believe her." This is completely what I tell the kids, You know what happens to people who tell lies, they are not believed. I had a lifetime of my mum telling me the story of the little boy who cried wolf!

The lies about you I'd have no concern about tbh, in the days before phones teenagers would have given out about parents to their friends... Toyallynormal.

Think you need to stop looking at phone without telling her you're doing that.

Even the lies about her dad arent suggesting she's actually doing anything more worrying than making g up stupid stories portraying herself as hard done by, not too unusual I'd say.

Maybe she needs some help re this, I don't know, but I think you need to address how you're going to deal with her as an older teen,and reconsider your assumption that you're entitled to see all her texts etc

It's not at all totally normal to tell these lies. I'm appalled at people normalising this bad behavior. This child needs professional hep, not MNers saying its all normal. It totally is not.

I agree with weepingangel, this really is not normal at all. I speak from bitter experience. The lies and deception will only get worse if you can't find a way to get a handle on it.

A lot of these ‘lies’ I’d see in a very positive way - they are using you as a shield. I’d be far more worried if she put across to her friends that she didn’t care what her parents thought and were skipping school.

I do think she should be aware you look at her phone, or stop doing it. It’s your phone I presume ultimately and not hers, so she can’t lock you out. Please don’t challenge her, these are not safety concern issues which are the only reason I would breach a trust.

I’ve always been an introvert and when I didn’t want to do something when I was younger I’d usually say my mum/dad won’t let me. I wouldn’t even mention it. You don’t need to be liked by her friends after all.
When she said that she’s trying to fit in and just making it up because that’s how others act... listen to her. She’s probably telling the truth

I’ve always been an introvert and when I didn’t want to do something when I was younger I’d usually say my mum/dad won’t let me. I wouldn’t even mention it

You didn't notice that these lies have involved the school and the safeguarding team? this is a young teen, lying about where she is and who with, and telling dangerous lies.

This is not normal, or positive. Stop saying it is.

@weepingangel12 I obviously didn’t read that part. Wind your neck in

Excuse me? You missed the entire point of the thread, gave bad advice and then tell me to wind my neck in?
Get a grip. I think you meant "thanks for pointing out my error, sorry for giving out terrible advice"

@weepingangel12 lol, honestly just calm down. I missed something she said, it’s hardly the end of the world, I just gave some advice to try help.
Take deep breaths!

My SD puts stuff on Twitter about her Dad, and she doesn't know I'm on Twitter, it's lies but really stupid stuff that she has obviously made up to try and get a laugh. Don't worry about it too much, she's just trying to be popular and being "oh aren't all parents embarrassing/boring/a pain/silly/old".

I'm calm, but could you not LOL, this is OP's actual life you are talking about. Your advice was poor and you did not help.
Don't be a dick about peoples genuine problems. There are lots of lighthearted threads, but OP is struggling.

@weepingangel12 - I’m actually laughing at you. Not the post.

Lol

You are putting yourself in a weak position by checking her phone behind her back. If you feel as her parent that her behaviour warrants checking her phone (and it does sound like that), then that's what you should be doing. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't get a phone (or gets a brick with minimum credit).

How are your conversations with her? If they are heated and frustrating then trying reading how to talk to teens so they listen and listen so they talk. Clarify what she's saying but say nothing in judgement - this is very effective at getting them to open up. The other technique is that (imaginary) child of your (imaginary) friend who did x or y/what happened/how they sorted it out. Engineer long car journeys with you and her, conversing with zero eye contact.

You need to deantagonise the situation because it gets worse the older they get.

Reward her for good behaviour.