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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call it quits with friend who is obsessed with dating (in 40s)

40 replies

AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 12:30

Many people might consider I have a bit of a dull life. I work from home, life as a single parent in my 40s revolves around my children - their homework, activities, health (some disability in the family) - and walking the dog. After years of drama as a survivor of sexual abuse, cutting off from my family, court cases, harassment etc. I am really happy with the non-dramatic life I have now.
However I find I am unlucky with friendships and I am beginning to ask myself why - am I too inflexible, not interesting or basically a loner?!
I tend to bond quickly with other single mums as there's a common thread there but then it all goes wrong.
A few years ago, I made friends with a single mum going through a tough enough time with kids the same age as mine. I gave her some support in terms of encouragement and babysitting now and again and we enjoyed chatting, having the odd meal or joint family excursion. But then she got v involved with Al Anon as her ex had been an alcoholic and really immersed in it...she was attending loads of meetings, events, speaking for them etc...and that might have been OK but i found myself being called upon to babysit during those times a lot (when I have my own kids to look after, obviously). Things got too much for me due to those recurrent requests with no reciprocation and also when my friend suggested I might have "alcoholic tendencies" and should get involved. Believe me - I had a drink or two a month and have no problems here! I wondered if my friend just wanted me to get involved because she wanted me around at the many meetings (it was her main social life by then) and it also seemed the group was putting pressure on her not to associate with others not in "the movement". Anyway the friendship broke down soon after, I drifted away from it and didn't reply to any more calls as I had had enough.
Now, several years later at my child's club I became friends with another single mum, supported and encouraged her as she dealt with obesity and health problems after leaving her partner who was also an addict (sex addict). But after several months the same pattern is emerging as my friend (in her 40s) is now obsessed - not this time with Al Anon - but dating. She wants to run past me every photo of every guy and she's not talking about her feelings, anything on that level, just "look at this hunk, I am meeting him tomorrow" etc. I have spelt out that I'm sorry but I am just not interested in dating but she has persisted in sending lots of pictures of men for me to give my opinion on (I don't) and it all seems very superficial and quite selfish as she hasn't asked anything about my life for weeks now really. So I see this friendship going the same way.

AIBU to cut these friends out and more to the point is there a way I can make better friends or stop this pattern repeating itself. I have made superficial friends - people to have a quick chat with - at clubs e.g. pottery/exercise class - but it's so hard to make a deeper connection, someone I can really share with without, it seems, just ending up being "used".

OP posts:
metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:32

I'd say "bonding quickly" with someone you have the barest thing in common with is probably a part of the problem. And getting over involved in their issues. And having no boundaries: such as "finding yourself called on to babysit"...you don't have to do it, so why do it?

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 12:36

Hi Metacrisis. OK, by bonding quickly I just meant getting on with. How do you suggest I find people I have more in common with? I am really looking for practical advice here. And being called on to babysit - I did say no, frequently!

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 12:37

Also: getting over involved in their issues. Not the case! I was careful not to do that. I was just supportive, in the ways I have said. I have never been in a relationship with an addict so I couldn't involve myself with that with either of them...I was just generally supportive and friendly to the extent i could be and felt willing to be. A friend in need, and all that.

OP posts:
LardLizard · 11/01/2018 12:39

Perhaps try n seek out people that don’t need so much help

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:40

Also: getting over involved in their issues. Not the case! I was careful not to do that

Well, you said support and encouragement and you know all about their intimate secrets and stuff, that sounds pretty over involved to me?

I think people can be really weird about friendships, they treat them like relationships and get way over entangled. Try and meet some people who you have actual things in common with, through hobby and interest groups, or volunteering or whatever. Keep it light and fun. It doesn't need to be all weird and relationship like to be a friendship.

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 13:20

Metacrisis - unfortunately I can tell from your posts here and other threads that you appear to write very unkind and extremely judgemental posts so I'm going to disengage from discussions with you now (just to prove I do have great boundaries lol).

LardLizard - where are those magical people who don't need any help from their friends?! I certainly haven't met any, ever! Helping out is part of friendship, actually my four year old has been taught that in school!

OP posts:
metacrisis · 11/01/2018 13:24

Well that is a lovely response to someone who tried to help you Hmm I gave the same advice a hundred other people will give. If you are that rude to people answering you nicely that would explain a lot

Nikephorus · 11/01/2018 13:39

Gee and there was me nodding along to Metacrisis' post Hmm
It's actually really good advice. If you make 'light and fun' friendships then some will naturally develop over time into deeper friendships where you can share your feelings more.

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 13:44

Have you ever helped someone out who you recently met and was in difficulty Nikephorus? Did you not consider them a friend?

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 11/01/2018 13:46

I think OP was asking for practical advice on how to make 'light and fun' friendships, and weed out the other type early on.
Which is a good question, it does get harder to make new friends as you get older.

AngelinaDelight, try joining some groups such as WI, or some that have a specific interest such as walking, or a hobby.

blueshoes · 11/01/2018 13:46

OP, you seem quite impatient and dismissive of posters who are giving good advice. If this attitude comes up in real life, the normal people will give you a wide berth and you end up with the needy ones.

Finding a good friend is like dating (oh, you dismissed your obsessive friend). You got to have many superficial friends before one develops into a deeper one, naturally. People without issues usually already have established friendships and are usually more circumspect before committing themselves to a new one. Hence, it takes time to find a match.

Alternatively move to a place which has more transient people who are also looking to find new friends.

I hope I don't get chewed up.

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 13:50

OK I'm off. I hadn't checked into Mumsnet for ages and I remember now why - it really is full of judgemental souls keen to knock people when they're feeling down.

The advice here amounts to:

  1. Make friends only with the light and fun
  2. Don't treat friendships like relationships
  3. Don't help out people in need and consider that friendship
  4. Join some clubs for the like-minded.

None of this advice is very useful or is off topic. Hardly anyone in their 40s least of all single mums is all about light and fun, you're looking for unicorns there dearies. We all have baggage by this age and, if not crises, preoccupations, worries etc. It's part of life. Friendships are as important to many, certainly me, as sexual relationships. They are on the same level in many ways and should be treated as such where appropriate. I am a kind person and naturally help people out in need and will continue doing so and considering such folk as friends. I already joined many clubs for the like minded as mentioned - that's not the issue!

Why bother? Mumsnet is a really poor reflection of women I think. People post stuff here that they'd only say IRL at their most bitchy and unkind.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 11/01/2018 13:53

yeah i thought @metacrisis
was a pretty helpful post actually!

Justbreathing · 11/01/2018 13:53

literally no one has been horrid to you!!

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 13:55

None of this advice is very useful or is off topic. Hardly anyone in their 40s least of all single mums is all about light and fun, you're looking for unicorns there dearies

It's totally on topic and useful. But i think youve answered your own question really, haven't you? You struggle with friendships because you have a weird view of them,and you are rude and bitchy.

SandAndSea · 11/01/2018 13:55

Hi OP! From your post, it read to me that the attraction between you was centred around having problems and helping them. There's nothing wrong with this at all but it can get muddly and is possibly not the best foundation on which to grow a reciprocal, lasting friendship. I think it might serve you better to find some more relaxed, happy relationships, which can then grow over time to being more mutually supportive. For example, you could join a group or club where you all share an interest. Health and fitness groups can be a good place to meet more positive people. Just some thoughts.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 13:56

#JeSuisMetacrisis

blueshoes · 11/01/2018 13:59

You cannot make light and fun friendships because you are a misery guts.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 11/01/2018 14:00

I don't know why you over-reacted like this. Maybe it's worth thinking about this. The answer might solve some of the problem you have posted about.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 11/01/2018 14:00

At 46 I have no friends and tho it's a bit lonely, my life has been complicated and I am not willing to open up to potential mates. If you are happy to seek out friends op then good luck, you've got a lot to offer and don't let you're experiences with 'fair weather friends' put you off in the future.

CoraPirbright · 11/01/2018 14:05

OP: I have this friendship problem
MN: ah, ok, well have you thought about useful points a, b and c?
OP: YOU ARE ALL BITCHES!!

MN: Confused

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 14:25

blueshoes thanks so much for proving my point! if you said that to someone IRL you'd find people had no time whatsoever for you and rightly so.

And others posting along those lines but in a more passive aggressive way

figrollsnotfatrolls thanks for your kind post. i think one of the problems I have making friends is there are such a lot of bitchy women out there who really don't care to help others as I do - see above LOL! I am prepared to wait as I would with any relationship until i find people who are kind and know that life isn't all unicorns and exercise classes (I have a serious physical disability). It's better to be alone if the friends on offer are anything like the "bitches" (to use Cora's term - not mine!) who posted on here!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 11/01/2018 14:32

Actually OP, you have proved your own point!

Whether or not you see this as success, you have gained insight into why you it is so hard for you to form lasting normal connections. MN got you there in less than 2 hours. That is what makes this site great.

PS presumably none of what you wrote on this board you would say in RL to someone's face either. If you did, then again it proves the point. If you don't, then you cannot hang me on the same petard you are hoisted on.

Original poster
AngelinaDelight · 11/01/2018 14:39

blueshoes in a sense you are right with that last post

i don't make friends with bitches (not language I use, but the language of others used on this thread - but I mean the unkind, uncompassionate, rude and all else that you and meta consider to be 'fun and light') so I don't make friends easily!

Thanks for the insights mumsnet, and thank God the real world is nothing like this group!

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 11/01/2018 14:46

OP
away from how this has ended up.

Have you thought about how you engage with your friend. I wouldnt be too fussed if a friend showed me photo's of dates and wanted my reaction, it might seem superficial to you, but perhaps she is nervous and needs second opinions? that's sort of what friends do. But if it doesnt float your boat then I would distance myself from it, there is no point in being friends with someone that you don't really bond with.

maybe think about what you want from a friendship, lots of friends can up being exhausting, and one can end up feeling used. It's hard to make friends as we get older in my opinion. But I think a mutual hobby is really the best place.

But I do think you've been quite quick to read into the responses that maybe havent helped you. there is a lot of stuff on here and in RL that you just have to shrug your shoulders about and not worry. if you're getting too wound up by (for example your friend and the dating thing) and she doesnt even know it, then you're going to end up feeling used and upset.

anyway, good luck, I know how hard it can be

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