AIBU to call it quits with friend who is obsessed with dating (in 40s)

[AngelinaDelight]

Many people might consider I have a bit of a dull life. I work from home, life as a single parent in my 40s revolves around my children - their homework, activities, health (some disability in the family) - and walking the dog. After years of drama as a survivor of sexual abuse, cutting off from my family, court cases, harassment etc. I am really happy with the non-dramatic life I have now.
However I find I am unlucky with friendships and I am beginning to ask myself why - am I too inflexible, not interesting or basically a loner?!
I tend to bond quickly with other single mums as there's a common thread there but then it all goes wrong.
A few years ago, I made friends with a single mum going through a tough enough time with kids the same age as mine. I gave her some support in terms of encouragement and babysitting now and again and we enjoyed chatting, having the odd meal or joint family excursion. But then she got v involved with Al Anon as her ex had been an alcoholic and really immersed in it...she was attending loads of meetings, events, speaking for them etc...and that might have been OK but i found myself being called upon to babysit during those times a lot (when I have my own kids to look after, obviously). Things got too much for me due to those recurrent requests with no reciprocation and also when my friend suggested I might have "alcoholic tendencies" and should get involved. Believe me - I had a drink or two a month and have no problems here! I wondered if my friend just wanted me to get involved because she wanted me around at the many meetings (it was her main social life by then) and it also seemed the group was putting pressure on her not to associate with others not in "the movement". Anyway the friendship broke down soon after, I drifted away from it and didn't reply to any more calls as I had had enough.
Now, several years later at my child's club I became friends with another single mum, supported and encouraged her as she dealt with obesity and health problems after leaving her partner who was also an addict (sex addict). But after several months the same pattern is emerging as my friend (in her 40s) is now obsessed - not this time with Al Anon - but dating. She wants to run past me every photo of every guy and she's not talking about her feelings, anything on that level, just "look at this hunk, I am meeting him tomorrow" etc. I have spelt out that I'm sorry but I am just not interested in dating but she has persisted in sending lots of pictures of men for me to give my opinion on (I don't) and it all seems very superficial and quite selfish as she hasn't asked anything about my life for weeks now really. So I see this friendship going the same way.

AIBU to cut these friends out and more to the point is there a way I can make better friends or stop this pattern repeating itself. I have made superficial friends - people to have a quick chat with - at clubs e.g. pottery/exercise class - but it's so hard to make a deeper connection, someone I can really share with without, it seems, just ending up being "used".

OP, please calm down and re-read the thread with a less defensive mindset. You are not being attacked, people are trying to offer good advice and you are reacting aggressively, which is leading to less sympathetic responses.

OP, I x-posted with you and a few others.

You asked if there's a way to make better friends and I can see quite a few of us have tried genuinely to help. I don't know if you're referring to me when you say PA / rude / bitches etc but I can assure you that I intended my post to be genuinely helpful and supportive. My answer comes from my own, similar experience (I also have a chronic health problem) in which joining a class has literally helped to change my life and has led to me getting to know quite a few really lovely women, with other good things growing from it too. Anyway, it worked for me.

Theres a difference between helping a friend, and only being able to relate at all to people who need a lot of help.

The "rude" comments you have dismissed are all people saying "if the first week you meet someone, they are telling you how they are about to be homeless and are dealing with an alcoholic ex and need you to do all their babysitting while they are out, oh and also pay this months rent", that is a red flag that this is someone whose idea of "friendship" is where they are always needy and need people to give them all their time and energy simply to exist.

I think you rather like being that rescuer and giver of advice though, dont you? Thats why you are so quick to start calling people bitches when they say "you are giving too much, too fast". Givers LOVE takers in the short term because everyone is getting what they want, but that isnt a friendship - a friendship is where you BOTH give and receive, where things ebb and flow as required, and where sometimes NEITHER of you need anything from the other apart from "liking each others company".

Have you ever helped someone out who you recently met and was in difficulty Nikephorus? Did you not consider them a friend?
I'd not consider them a friend merely because I'd helped them. I'd help a complete stranger that I didn't expect to ever see again - I wouldn't call them a friend.
You want to make friends with a deeper connection - I've said (as have others) that you start by creating casual friendships (through doing enjoyable activities or through volunteering or whatever) and you let them deepen gradually. You can't move from being a total stranger to being best lifelong friends with someone in 10 seconds flat (unless they have boundary issues). Friendships develop when you take an interest in people and their lives, whether that's listening to their relationship decisions or them listening to you complain about your neighbour's bad parking and your addiction to Mumsnet. Some of those friendships will get deeper, others won't. But you won't get enduring friendships just because you help people - you're more likely to end up being used by them because they don't see you as friend due to the lack of any friendly bond between you.

it all seems very superficial and quite selfish as she hasn't asked anything about my life for weeks now really.

Do you see your friend in person these days? Can you tell her you miss talking about things other than her dates?
If that's all she wants to think about, tho, that friendship has probably had it.

Thanks for the insights mumsnet, and thank God the real world is nothing like this group!

You don't have any friends, how would you know?

you've got a saviour complex you know. Either accept it and do that and don't complain about your friends asking too much, or get some help and move on. Cos right now you have caused a massive problem in your life and are not happy, but attack anyone who tries to tell you where youve gone wrong, even when you asked

You don't have any friends, how would you know?
Nearly spat my tea out!

What have I just read? Seriously OP are you reading the same responses as me. No one has been bitchy.

Weird.

the real world is nothing like this group

Just because someone does not say something to your face in RL, does not mean they are not thinking it and acting accordingly anyway.

MN helps you decode RL because people are prepared to tell you what they think. In RL, people make superficial noises and you don't hear from them again.

Im speechless

Wow, this thread turned very quickly. All I read were people trying to help the OP, which for some reason, OP read in a negative light.

I agree with Nikephorus that friendships get deeper over time, and they need give and take. The two friends that OP describes, don't sound like they ever gave, so OP is right to distance herself from them.
I think OP should take things more slowly, and don't offer so much of herself, so soon in the relationship.

I just read this and feel like Ive been through a cement mixer.
Holy God everyone, you were all really practical and objective.
i just want to say that MN is in the main, despite the odd hiccup, filled to the brim with very lovely people who do care.
My experience Angelinedelight is of kind people who lend an ear and give good advice and in no way getting a kick out of being bitches.
Mumsnet has been a life saver for me once or twice.

Angelina I do notice that you describe friendships/acquaintanceships you make at pottery class etc as 'superficial' because it's just light chit chat from week to week. It does seem that you hugely value the intensity of friendships that dive immediately into 'big talk' and deep connection, and also friendships that ask for commitment or help from you. But someone who is keen for that deep connection very quickly may be more open because they are at some kind of crisis in their lives. In the cases of these two women, the crises were so great that they have hugely changed their lives since you met them.

I wonder if you might make good friends via voluntary work. That way you are in a setting with people who like to give, but you won't rely on each other for the good side of helping, but instead will share the experience of giving while also having fun. They are also likely to be similarly busy people who have a few boundaries of their own! I wouldn't dismiss the lighter connections with people at pottery class either - maybe see if one of them would like to come to see a film, or something else undemanding and neutral, but stretching out into a friendship.

I made a very good friend at pottery class. During our weekly chit-chats, we discovered that we had a lot in common, and eventually started meeting up outside of class. Over time, we became very close friends.