To ask my mother to leave?

[Bellamuerte]

Feeling a bit down this morning. My mother was passing and dropped in, so I told her how I was feeling. She has cried for half an hour about how upset SHE is that I am having these problems. No support for me, the person who is actually feeling this way. It's all about HER and how me having problems makes HER feel. She said I should bottle things up and not talk about them or ask for support because it's too upsetting for HER.

It reminds me of when I was a child being bullied at school. There was no support for me, the child who was actually being bullied. It was all about HER and how worried SHE was, and how upset it made HER feel that I was going through this. I was given no help and just told not to talk about it because it made HER feel upset. And when my parents got divorced, it was because my father was suffering from depression but instead of supporting him she cried about how his depression made HER feel and how SHE couldn't cope with it.

I have asked her to leave because she wasn't helping, she was just upsetting me even more. So she has stormed out. I don't know if I'm in the wrong or if I should be apologising to her?

Is she expects an apology, I would say to her “when I feel down like this I need support NOT you crying.

Oh Bella, how I feel for you. My mother is similar. Totally unable to see me as a separate person. It's all about her. There are lots of us on here in the same boat.

You have obviously been well trained all your life to put your mother first. The damage this does to a child is huge, and not something that can be shaken off easily when you become an adult.

However,you ARE an adult now and you get to set boundaries for yourself. Part of that is deciding how much crap you will take from people, and realising that you have a right to have your needs recognised and heard. You are not an extension of your mother, however much she may think you are. You stood up to your mother today and insisted on being heard. I know how scary that is with a mother like that. You have done nothing wrong. Let this be the start of drawing many more boundaries in your relationship with her.

I HIGHLY recommend some professional support with all this by the way. It won't be easy to start with. I spent several years in therapy and it changed my life

My mother is like that so now, I just don't tell her stuff, because I can't be her emotional support when I'm struggling myself.

I really relate to this :(

Yanbu, and you shouldn't have to apologise.

She seems like quite the narcissist. Don't apologise to her, she doesn't warrant one.

Another one who can relate to you. If you have the strength definitely tell her to go. If you can’t handle the kicking off just tune out. Stop talking let her run herself out and leave.

for you OP and so sorry you are having a tough time.

When I found out I had PCOS and was told I would be unlikely to have children without some kind of fertility treatment I told my parents and my sister. My mum burst into tears and sobbed because ‘she’d miss out being a grandmother like her friends’. In the end I have ended up with two lovely DC but I have never forgotten this and just don’t tell her anything about my life that she could make about her. It’s hard but if you can build your support network up elsewhere.

She said when I have a problem, it isn't just my problem - it's everyone's problem, and she gets upset because her child (i.e. me) has a problem. So I've gone from just having a problem, to also having a hysterical mother who is upset that I have a problem. It's no longer about me and my problem - it's now about how she feels about me having a problem. And I end up having to pretend I don't have a problem any more in order to pacify her, which doesn't help me at all.

Today I haven't pretended I don't have a problem any more. I just asked her to leave because she was making me feel worse. And now I feel mean because I've upset her and kicked her out of my house.

This could be my Mum.

I had bulimia for 5 years before I told her. The first words out of her mouth were “how could you do this to me?!” I’ll never forget that.

Distance - actual physical distance helped me - I moved 500 miles away and stayed away for 14 years. Can rely on her practically but not emotionally. It’s who she is and she’ll never change. That acceptance has made it easier to cope with.

She’s emotionally stunted. I think a lot of Mums who are like this are.

You have nothing to apologise for, you're not in the wrong at all. Your mother's not normal, sadly. You should be able to talk about feeling down, that's a good thing (talking about it). Well done for putting you first for a change, keep it up. Hope you feel better soon

Oh and YANBU

YANBU. I wouldn't tell her anything else about my life either.

Well done on getting her to leave!

Sounds like my mum to an extent.

We've been nc for about 18 months, what caused it was she asked how my psychiatry appointments were going. I told her, they said a lot of it has to do with my childhood. All the violent arguments I witnessed as a child, how I only have a few memories of my mum and dad that doesn't involve an argument etc.

She swore blind they never argued. They were never violent. The police never came. She never hit me. Never threatened me. Never threatened suicide. And so on.

Then it was all my dads fault. Her x partners fault. My step dads fault. Everyone except her- yet she was the clear instigater in 80% of this- it went on until I was 16 and moved out- I can remember!

Anyway she kicked off, crying about how I was making her feel, how she felt etc, my children where there, so I told her to go. And like I said nc now for about 18 months. I haven't stopped the children visiting, although they don't that often, because they got so upset that day. I sent a load of Christmas presents down to here with the boys on Christmas Day, so I'm not being the total evil child. But I just can't cope with it.

She asked me a question and I gave her an honest answer. She just didn't want to be part of the problem. There's been loads of issues over the years where she kicks off for nothing. Really I should have stepped back a long time ago.

So I don't think you were unreasonable. I think you were putting your feelings first, which we all need to at some point. If she can't listen to you and hold your hand, why have her there just to make you feel worse?

My mum’s like this too. First thing she said when she found out I had a serious illness and needed an operation ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’. By that time I was able to reply that it was because she’d never been any emotional support to me at any point in my earlier life. I was bullied for years but didn’t tell her after the first year as she didn’t do anything about it and I was given to understand it was my fault.

It’s been interesting as a mother to see how she was with me - if I ever got upset I had to hide it as it upset her. I’ve worked hard on this with my DC to allow a child to show their emotion without worrying about how the adult will be affected. I found myself feeling my child’s emotions were a criticism of me and therefore wanting to stifle them. I’d bet this is what my mum feels too but she would never discuss that (as all feelings safer when being repressed according to her and not upsetting anyone else). She would say she is very sensitive but I think it is a form of narcissism.

Mainly I don’t rely on her for emotional support. I have a great husband and a close sibling and some good friends. Every so often I forget and seek emotional support from her and then remember why I don’t.

So, YANBU, unfortunately there are a few mums like that out there, and for you and hope you feel better soon.

YANBU

My DM is not as bad but every time one of us has an issue it’s “oh I’m so worried about him/her” ad nauseam

It’s all about her

YANBU and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

My parents (DM in particular) are the same. I have MH problems...and if I'm unwell all they do is tell me what a terrible impact it is having on them due to worrying. I don't tell them anything, but being in hospital/not looking after kids is hard to hide.

I find a low contact superficial relationship works best, although they get frustrated that I never tell them anything. It's just not worth it!

My mum is like this. DSis and I are dealing with traumatic memories of childhood SA at the hands of our father and others. We repressed the memories for years and both of us have had PTSD for a long time. My mum hasn't coped well at all with this, obviously understandably in one sense, but she breaks down and cries if I ever talk about it. She asks me not to speak to her about it when she visits so I don't spoil her time with her DGDs. I get that it's hard for her, but I feel like she's looking for me to support het through this. As we're trying to piece together what happened, not being able to talk about it with her is very hard.

It's hard, OP, all you can do is not expect her to change. You should have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, it's a supportive thread for posters with toxic families.

And no DON'T apologise- you've done nothing wrong!

Yeah my mum is like this too.

Yanbu. If you arent sure where reasonable boundaries go, there are some very helpful Reddit support threads for people with toxic families;
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

Same here! Sorry to hear so many of you are going through similar things. It's tough

My mother’s exacrly the same OP. So I’ve stopped telling her anything because I don’t have the emotional strength to support her through it.

You did right kicking her out but it’ll now turn into a huge thing so you’ll have to be ready for that and the flying monkeys that come with it. Do not apologise to her. Either go low contact, tell her nothing in future or have it out with her if you have the energy.

'And I end up having to pretend I don't have a problem any more in order to pacify her, which doesn't help me at all. '

Not only does not it not help you, pretending and denying your feelings will seriously damage you over time

'My DM is not as bad but every time one of us has an issue it’s “oh I’m so worried about him/her” ad nauseam'

This is my MIL. Dear lord its very wearing.

Neither myself nor any of my siblings ever tell my dm anything anymore. She doesn’t mean it, she just can’t take any bad news. She’d get worked up and stressed and then not sleep for days, then get sick etc etc. Then we felt bad for being upset or sad about anything. After a while my younger siblings just came to me with any of their problems, leaving me to deal with them and myself. Her favourite line was always well I’m stressed now, I’ve been up all night. I remember when I had a miscarriage, I was so upset but she took it badly and got so stressed she ended up in hospital with them checking her heart. I felt awful for ever telling her

When I was diagnosed with the early stages of cervical cancer I didn't want to tell my mother as I knew how she'd react.

When I finally sent her a message about it (the night before I went into hospital) I asked that she didn't call me until after I was released as I was already very stressed and my blood pressure was through the roof.

Of course she called and spent hours on the phone - very upset - all because SHE had a daughter with cancer 🤨. And she wonders why we're not close...