Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask my mother to leave?

37 replies

Bellamuerte · 11/01/2018 10:59

Feeling a bit down this morning. My mother was passing and dropped in, so I told her how I was feeling. She has cried for half an hour about how upset SHE is that I am having these problems. No support for me, the person who is actually feeling this way. It's all about HER and how me having problems makes HER feel. She said I should bottle things up and not talk about them or ask for support because it's too upsetting for HER.

It reminds me of when I was a child being bullied at school. There was no support for me, the child who was actually being bullied. It was all about HER and how worried SHE was, and how upset it made HER feel that I was going through this. I was given no help and just told not to talk about it because it made HER feel upset. And when my parents got divorced, it was because my father was suffering from depression but instead of supporting him she cried about how his depression made HER feel and how SHE couldn't cope with it.

I have asked her to leave because she wasn't helping, she was just upsetting me even more. So she has stormed out. I don't know if I'm in the wrong or if I should be apologising to her?

OP posts:

etap · 11/01/2018 13:11

In exactly the same situation. Wishing you well x

mrsreynolds · 11/01/2018 13:13

Oh hell yes
I get it op
My own mother is the same
My only advice is to back off and detach - easier said than done I know

WeaselsRising · 11/01/2018 13:19

Don't you dare apologise to her! My DM is sadly the same and I'm sick of apologising to her when she has upset me.

I had cancer and she was hysterical. It was all about her as she was the one with the DD with cancer. She told all her friends and just about everyone she met because she was just so upset.

Takeoutyourhen · 11/01/2018 13:20

My sympathies. I know only too well what this is like.
I grey rock my mother. There is no emotional support. She even said to me herself that she doesn't need to provide that as I'm married. So that's that.
I just don't tell her anything now, if she has knowledge about X Y or Z it will have come from someone else (flying monkeys).
She and your mother are narcissists.

theothersideoftheworld · 11/01/2018 13:23

When I had a miscarriage my friend asked me not to tell her if I got pregnant again as she found it so upsetting when I miscarried.

Some people are so self absorbed.

Annechristmas · 11/01/2018 13:28

YANBU and please don't apologise to her. My mother's the same. When I had an awful miscarriage (a+e, theatre to stop the bleeding, blood transfusion) she made it all about how awful it was for her and expected me to comfort her whilst showing no sympathy to me. That was the start of me realising how self centered she was.

I haven't seen her in nearly 7 years now since she caused a scene in a restaurant and stormed out because it was a meal for my birthday and she wasn't getting enough attention. She spoilt the evening and upset ds1 so, whereas in the past I'd have apologised, I decided to leave her to her trantrum. Life has been much easier since.

LemonysSnicket · 11/01/2018 13:35

Sounds like she’s unable to recognise that you have as rich an interior life as she does. Stunted at a teenage emotional level, unable to see that other people are also people ... rather than peripheries in HER universe.

No advice but

Lottapianos · 11/01/2018 13:40

'...unable to see that other people are also people ... rather than peripheries in HER universe'

That's a really good description Lemony. Feeling that you are the centre of the universe and no-one has ever suffered quite as much as you have is a normal developmental stage for a teenager, but some people never seem to grow out of it. It's a weird and confusing and incredibly hurtful experience to be parented by someone like that, because they just cannot give you so much of what you need

Estellanpip · 11/01/2018 13:47

I completely relate to this. It seems to be sadly, so so common with mothers who only see their children as extensions of themselves, or property almost.
Massive well done for asking your mother to leave.

nutnerk · 11/01/2018 13:54

OP and anyone who has posted similar stories should visit www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ you might find it cathartic.

OhCalamity · 11/01/2018 14:06

Yes, I've a DM who does that. Every crisis /illness is turned around so that she is the one that gets the attention because she is so stressed and worried over you.

And if you don't tell her and she finds out down the line you are forced into playing along that she's so hurt and stressed and worried that you never told her at the time.

I tell her fuck all now. So do my siblings. She thinks we are all leading incredibly boring healthy lives.

GranolaLover · 11/01/2018 19:16

Sorry OP,no advice but I know how you feel as my own late DM was rather like this. One incident sticks in my mind,20 years after it happened. My then husband had walked out on me and our ten year old DD. I had been seriously ill for several months prior to this and I think it had all got too much for him pathetic twat. Anyway,I phoned my DM the next day and tearfully told her what had happened. Her response? I wish you wouldn't tell me things like this as it only worries and upsets me'. I was then . I thought 'Thanks mum'.

Flip

1 2