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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money as a gift.

47 replies

Nicae · 10/01/2018 22:56

DH is soon to inherit a lot of money, not sure of exact amount as is all still with solicitors but it will be enough to clear our mortgage and leave us with substantial savings. When we found out this was going to happen we decided we'd have £1000 each to do exactly what we liked with (I was thinking jewellery - a real amazing treat to just go and buy something lovely).
Since then my sister who owns her property but earns a low wage and has very little left after mortgage and bills had a scare. She thought she was going have to make some repairs to her flat which would cost upwards of £5,000. It's money she doesn't have but as a family we would have helped her out with her slowly paying us back. It turned out that the repairs weren't needed but will be in 5-10 years time and DSis is going to try and save for them. It will be hard and she does like to shop (she's never been in debt, doesn't have a credit card just like to spend her money when she can).
So, my AIBU, I'd like to give her my 'fun' £1000 but on the proviso that she uses it to kick start her savings. She's a grown woman and I understand once I give her the money she could do what she likes with it really but AIBU to give it to her and tell her what I'd like it to be used for?

OP posts:
Hauntedlobster · 10/01/2018 22:57

YANBU but only do it if you will not grudge it further down the line or hold it over her. Could you go 50/50 and keep half?

BunsOfAnarchy · 10/01/2018 23:02

I personally would give my left arm to help either of my siblings at their time of need. I can trust them with my life savings if I had to.

You know your sister best. I have heard horror stories about siblings taking advantage but of you know she's reliable and will do something constructive then go for it. Like you said it's just fun money and not going to put you out if it does go tits up.

Original poster
Nicae · 10/01/2018 23:03

Oh no I won't mind if she uses it for what I'd like her to - that is saving for the repairs. I guess I might if she spent it all and then needed extra help later on though...

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 10/01/2018 23:06

I would offer to pay her th last £1000 of the cost of the repair work when the time comes. That gives her an incentive to start saving but also means she won’t accidentally spend it before then.

Firesuit · 10/01/2018 23:06

If her finances are stretched it will probably get spent on something more urgent before she manages to save up. Only hand it over when she's ready to go ahead with the repair.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 10/01/2018 23:07

You'll be told on here that no, you can't tell her what she has to spend it on. And I do agree with that.

But what you COULD do is (if you wanted to) give her your 'fun' money now but warn her that you won't be able to help out in the future, so you're doing it now while you can. That way if she DOES choose to fritter it away, she does it knowing there won't be more coming.

It's very generous of you, OP.

5foot5 · 10/01/2018 23:07

It will be hard and she does like to shop (she's never been in debt, doesn't have a credit card just like to spend her money when she can).

We'll obviously we don't know your sister but this remark made me wonder, how would to feel if you gave her this money ad then instead of saving it she splurged it on something nice instead? Wouldn't you feel resentful that you had forgone the chance to treat yourself only for her to do exactly that for herself?

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 10/01/2018 23:09

Why not have a fun week end away with her then tell her you are stashing a grand in an envelope to keep for her when the repair bill does come in?

Original poster
Nicae · 10/01/2018 23:16

Thank you, I really like the idea of saving the money for her myself but I think she'd be hurt I didn't trust her with it and I would see her point. I think I would be upset if she chose to spend it but she would know there was no more coming. It was really just the initial, I'm giving you this and then telling you what to do with it, that I wasn't sure was unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Pearly70 · 10/01/2018 23:18

Can't you start the savings account for her, maybe an ISA that can't be withdrawn easily?

milkysmum · 10/01/2018 23:23

Im.not sure I would give my sister a grand to put in a savings account- I would lend it her if the repairs needed doing now but not to put away for years!!

rogue8 · 10/01/2018 23:34

Seriously, wait until the money is in the bank before you have the discussion with your DH again. Don’t spend/promise money you haven’t actually received yet - especially when, technically, it isn’t yours, it’s your DH’s inheritance.

Original poster
Nicae · 10/01/2018 23:43

I've already spoken to my husband, not surprisingly I asked his opinion before I asked Mumsnet! You're right that it might well not come off and for that reason I won't be saying anything to my sister until we have the money in the bank. Actually I am inheriting a (relatively) small amount in my own right so it could come from there but I wouldn't do it at all if DH didn't like the idea.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 10/01/2018 23:52

Why are you inheriting and not your sister as well?

Why don't you keep the money for her and don't tell her.

When the time comes for the repairs, give or loan her the money.

Original poster
Nicae · 10/01/2018 23:57

I'm inheriting in my own right from the member of my husband's family that died - she didn't know my sister.
I could just not tell her but I don't want her to be more worried than needs to be in the interim.

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 08:40

I think it's a lovely thing you're considering - if it were me I'd probably encourage my sister to get her mindset towards saving for a rainy day. She's now aware of this issue and has time to save but who knows what could happen in the meantime? You and your DH should treat yourself now, and be prepared to step in with your sister if a) she actually needs it and B) has at least tried to help herself.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 08:45

Meh. If she owns her own home and "likes to shop" I wouldn't feel too soft hearted about her to be honest. She's not in a bad position at all, and saving around 7k over a 5 to 10 year period isn't a big deal if you have money left over to shop. Plus a lot of people take out a small loan. And the repairs can't be entirely necessary if they can wait that long.

Going against the grain here - I say buy a piece of jewellery for yourself!

Spartaca · 11/01/2018 08:47

I wouldn't.

constantchange · 11/01/2018 08:52

I would give it to her and let her treat herself. You're receiving a fair wad of $$$, will have your home paid off and substantial left, and she's struggling to make ends meet.

I personally think you're coming across as a bit tight to be honest.

FluffyWuffy100 · 11/01/2018 08:53

Why don’t you tell her you’ll match every £4 she saves with £1 up to a total of £4K (so you give her the £1k).

That’s a good incentive to save, albeit incredibly patronising.

CheeseyToast · 11/01/2018 09:11

Honestly I'd just want to give her £5k to get the work done. It doesn't sound as though £5k will be a drop in the water of money you're inheriting yet it would make a big difference to your sister's life.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 09:15

Shit sorry I just re read and saw you're actually inheriting shit loads of money.

In that case I actually think 1K is really tight, particularly since the money isnt money you earned, and PARTICULARLY since its not even inherited from your own family.

In your shoes, I would straight up give her the 5k.

Glumglowworm · 11/01/2018 09:19

Tell her you’d like to help with the cost of repairs and would give her the £1000 and ask her would she rather have it now and know you won’t be able to help in the future if it gets spent on other stuff, or would she prefer you to hang onto it and give it to her when she’s got the rest of the money saved so it won’t be spent on other things.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 09:21

And even more particularly as you've posted before bitching about your in laws 😉

cingolimama · 11/01/2018 09:22

Agree with pp, as you're going to be in a very comfortable financial position from this windfall, just give her (as a gift) the money to make the repairs now. You'll take a huge weight off her shoulders.

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